“Cold Hearts” 5: The Third Draft

So this is where we are now. It is by no means finished, nor are all of the problems fixed. The hero still isn’t on the page enough to be Courtney’s opposite number, for example. There are plot holes big enough to drive a truck through. The antagonist drifts which is never a good thing. If I ever write this novella, it’ll go through many more rewrites. But this is a good place to leave it until I get the rest of the novella done. It’s strong enough to serve as a starting point, and then as I write the story and new things crop up, I can tweak this to make it better. At the end, when I have the last scene in final, truck draft form, I’ll come back to this and do a final rewrite. But for right now, I don’t have to get it perfect, I just have to get it to the point where it’ll support the rest of the story.

This is the end of the “Jenny Revises a First Scene First Draft” series. I sincerely hope it was valuable. If it was, let me know and we’ll do it again sometime if my beta readers can stand it.

And now, here’s Courtney:



Cold Hearts, Scene One, Third Rewrite.

Courtney Maxwell was putting the Orion watches in their black velvet cases when she realized her hands were shaking. Well, that was what rage did to you. And frustration. And fear and loathing and—

“Red, this is your song,” Henry, the security guard, said as Laura Nyro started “Wedding Bell Blues” on the shop stereo.

“I’m never getting married again,” Courtney said and slammed the lid down on the last watch box. “I hate all men. Except for you.”

“Jordan being a bastard?” Henry said, his deep voice deeper with sympathy.

“He said one more mistake and I’m fired.” Courtney put her palms flat on the glass case in front of her and looked down at the array of diamonds below.

“You don’t make mistakes,” Henry said.

“Jordan makes mistakes and blames them on me,” Courtney said. “But trying telling Jordan that.”

On the store stereo, Laura sang to Bill that she’d been on his side when he’d been losing. That would be good, to have somebody on her side against Jordan. Actually, not losing would be good for a change, too.

She looked up and met Henry’s eyes. “I’m going to lose this job.”

“No,” Henry said. “I will not let that happen.”

Courtney smiled in spite of herself. She had Henry on her side. Sixty-eight-year-old, big-as-a-bear, recovering-from-a-heart-attack Henry. That really was something.

“Don’t let the bastards get you down,” Henry said, holding out his hand. “Come on. Cut a rug.”

She laughed and went around the corner of the display case, and let him dance her across the polished floor of the jewelry store, even though his dancing was closer to lumbering-in-time, and she sang with him that she was the one who’d come running when he was lonely, letting him spin her around, finally belting out “Come on and marry me, Bill!” with him, loudly and off key, feeling much better about life in general. Life had its Jordans, but it also had its Henrys. And Laura Nyro on the stereo.

“Okay, you were right,” she said.

“I’m always right, Red,” he said, and then they both heard somebody knocking on the massive wood door. She turned to look and there was a guy there, smiling and waving at them through the small bullet-proof window, broad-faced and curly haired, the boy-next-door made flesh.

Henry had put his hand on his gun, but he relaxed when the guy smiled and waved again.

“See, you sing it and it happens,” Henry said to her. “Positive thinking. This might be the guy.”

“There is no guy,” Courtney said. “Especially one that shows up after closing.”

On the stereo, Nyro moved on to “Stoney End,” which was much more appropriate.

“Sorry, we’re closed,” Courtney called to the guy and went back to the counter to put the Orions in the small safe. Junk, she thought as she stacked the boxes, no matter what Jordan said. “It takes a certain level of taste to appreciate these, Courtney,” he’d said. “These are ten thousand dollar watches.” Fuck you, Jordan, shoddy craftsmanship is junk no matter what they cost.

Jordan didn’t like Laura Nyro, either, which told you everything you needed to know about Jordan.

The guy knocked again. She shook her head at him in the universal We’re closed, go away sign, but he didn’t leave.

“Persistent,” Henry said. “Good smile. Maybe his name’s Bill. That would be a sign. Go for it.”

“I’m not letting him in. He comes in here, something goes wrong, and Jordan fires me for breaking the rules. I’m not losing this job just because some guy can’t read a ‘Closed’ sign.”

“We don’t have a ‘Closed’ sign,” Henry said, “and Jordan’s a dope.”

The guy knocked again, and Courtney said, “No!” and glared at him.

He opened the door and came in.

“What the hell?” Courtney said.

Henry had his hand on his gun, his face grim. “I locked that door.”

“Really sorry about this,” the guy said as he slammed the door behind him. Then he reached into his coat and pulled out a gun.

“That’s it,” Henry said, and lifted his gun.

“No!” Courtney lunged between them, spreading her arms out, terrified. “No, you will not shoot Henry, he’s a grandfather! And I’m a single mother!”

The guy looked at her in disbelief. “Do I look like I’m interested in the demographics here?”

Courtney backed up until she was against Henry, keeping her arms out. “Don’t shoot Henry. I mean it. You drop that gun right now, mister.”

The guy sighed. “Henry, put your gun on the floor and kick it to me, and I won’t shoot you.”

“Hell, no,” Henry said, calm as ever.

“Henry, give him the damn gun,” Courtney said, glaring at the intruder. “I am not explaining your bullet-ridden body to Junie, and I’m sure as hell not leaving Leroy an orphan.”

“It’s my gun,” Henry said.

Courtney closed her eyes, exasperation cutting through her fear. “Henry, kick that damn gun over to this asshole, or I will never speak to you again, I will never bring Leroy over to play Minecraft again, and I will tell Junie that it was your own damn fault you died. Assuming I make it through this.”

Henry hesitated, and the guy said, “Henry, kick it over here or I shoot the single mother.”

Henry put the gun on the floor and kicked across, and the jackass picked it up and put it in his jacket.

Courtney put her arms down. “You’re going to hell,” she told the jackass.

“No doubt about it.” The guy reached in his jacket and pulled out white cable ties. “Now tie Henry’s hands behind his back so he doesn’t change his mind.”

“Henry’s got a heart condition,” Courtney said, putting as much outrage as possible in her voice.

“I do not,” Henry said, disgusted.

“Henry, you just had a damn bypass.”

“So, it’s fixed,” Henry said. “I’m not weak.”

“That’s not helping,” Courtney snapped.

She took the ties, glaring at the jackass, and then went behind Henry. “Do you have a plan?” she whispered to him as she tied his hands as loosely as possible.

“Back door,” Henry whispered out of the side of his mouth. “You run for it.”

“No whispering,” the jackass said.

“No, he’ll want the safe unlocked which means me.” Courtney gave a final tug, keeping all her fingers inside the cables so they stayed loose. “You go.” And don’t have a heart attack on the way out. She looked over Henry’s shoulder and called to the jackass. “Now what?”

He waved the gun toward the back of the shop. “Now we go to the vault.”

“Vault?” Courtney said. How does he know about the vault? “You mean the safe? Of course. But I think Henry should sit down–” She guided Henry backwards, around the counter and toward the stool by the storeroom door and escape. “—because of his bad heart–”

“My heart’s just fine,” Henry said.

“Shut up, Henry,” Courtney said, and sat him down on the stool. She reached under the counter there and hit the panic button, and then jumped when somebody knocked on the door.

“We gotta get a ‘Closed’ sign,” Henry said.

“You expecting somebody?” the jackass said.

Yes, the cops, now that I’ve pushed the button, but not that fast.

Courtney squinted through the window. Whoever this one was, he was tall and male. “Yes. That’s my fiancé. I’d leave if I were you. He knows krav maga.”

“Get rid of him,” the jackass said, “or he’ll know bullet wounds.”

“Right.” Courtney waved the guy at the door away, calling out, “I have to work late. You go on without me.” Get out of here, whoever you are, before you get caught in the crossfire with the cops.

The guy at the door knocked again.

“You go on,” she yelled again and waved him away with more enthusiasm.

The guy turned the knob and walked in.

Courtney looked at the jackass. “You didn’t lock the door?”

“Yes, I did,” he said, looking as annoyed as she was, and then the new guy was beside her, tall, skinny, wild dark hair and sharp, dark eyes.

“Hi, honey,” he said, putting his arm around her. “I’m home.”

Courtney stared up at him speechless.

“So you’re the boyfriend,” the jackass said. “Your relationship just hit a bump.”

“I’ve been thinking the same thing,” the new guy said. “We’ve been going along here, everything fine . . .” He leaned closer to the jackass. “. . . the sex is great!”

“Excuse me.” Courtney tried to get out from under his arm, but he had a grip like a python.

“But we’re kind of stuck, you know, so I came on down tonight because I think it’s time we took it to the next level and tied the knot–” He beamed down at Courtney without stopping his speech. “. . . so how about it, honey, let’s pick out a diamond and make it official . . . ” He looked back at Colin, leaning in again, lowering his voice. “. . . that’ll make her mother happy, you would not believe that woman–”

“Shut. Up.” The jackass raised his gun higher, and the new guy stopped.

“Oh. Wow.” He looked down at her again. “Honey, I think you’re being robbed.”

“Yes,” Courtney said. I’m stuck in a store after hours with a heart patient, an armed robber, and a lunatic.

“You okay, baby?” the new guy said to her.

A heart patient, an armed robber, and a lunatic walk into a bar . . .

“Red?” Henry said, sounding concerned.

“I’m having an odd evening,” Courtney said.

“Try mine,” the jackass said. “Okay, what’s-your-name—”

“Bill,” the new guy said.

“Ha!” Henry said.

Shut up and escape, Henry.

The jackass nodded. “Fine. Take off your jacket, Bill. Slowly.”

“Absolutely,” Bill said, finally letting go of her. He shrugged off his jacket, stepping in front of her as he pulled it off his arms and held it out to the jackass. “Here you go. No problem.”

“Drop it,” the jackass said, and Bill dropped the jacket while Courtney tried to see around him.

She glared at Henry and jerked her head toward the storeroom, hoping Bill was enough of a screen that the jackass couldn’t see her.

Henry sighed and stood up, silently.

“Okay,” the jackass said, taking cable ties out of his pocket. “Let’s do this again. Tie up Bill.”

Bill looked down at her and grinned. “We’ve never done this before, honey.”

“And we never will again,” Courtney said and reached around him to take the ties.

This time she tied them tightly. Bill might be a great shield, but he was also nuts. Plus he’d opened a locked door which meant he was a crazy person with an agenda. It didn’t matter. Whatever the hell was going on, she had to get Henry out the door before his heart imploded again. And then give the jackass whatever he wanted and pray he didn’t shoot her. Maybe if she kept Bill in front of her . . .

“The vault,” the jackass said, and Courtney thought, If he knows there’s a vault, there’s no point in denying it, it’ll only annoy him.

“Right,” she said and moved toward the other side of the store, drawing the jackass away from Henry and the storeroom and escape.

“Hold it,” the jackass said, and she turned and bumped her nose on Bill’s shirt front. “Bill, you’re not going with us.”

Bill ignored him to smile down at her, his face all planes and angles in the reflected light from the diamond case. “Can’t leave my woman alone with a gun.”

“If I shoot you, she’ll be alone forever,” the jackass said.

Bill kept his eyes on Courtney’s face, steady and sure. “If you shoot me, you’ll go down for murder. Doesn’t seem like your style.”

“This was supposed to be a simple job,” the jackass said, but he sounded philosophical about it. “Okay, protect your woman, Bill, but do not get in my way.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Bill said. “Go open the vault, honey.”

More men telling her what to do. And then Jordan would fire her. The stereo fell silent and then Nyro began to sing again. “Gonna Take A Miracle” this time.

“Laura Nyro,” Bill said. “Gotta love her.”

“Who’s Laura Nyro?” the jackass said.

“Greatest singer/songwriter ever,” Courtney said, raising her voice to make sure Henry heard. “You probably heard her big hit, ‘Get the Hell Out of Here Now’?”

“No,” the jackass said. “The vault. Please.”

“You can do it, honey.” Bill pushed his body against hers to move her, and she turned and walked back to the vault, stealing a glance at the storeroom door.

Henry was gone.

She took a deep breath and relaxed. “I don’t even know why you’re robbing us,” she said to the jackass to keep him distracted. “There are a lot bigger jewelry stores. We’re just a little hole in the wall. We can’t even afford a ‘Closed’ sign.”

“Really?” the jackass said. “What a shame. Still, might as well look as long as I’m here.”

Courtney reached the curtain to the vault room, pulled it aside, and bent down to the handle, feeling Bill move around behind her, exposing her to the jackass as she flipped the latch. So much for Bill the Hero, protecting her. His name probably wasn’t even Bill.

“Open it,” the jackass said, his voice sharp, and Courtney said, “Fine.”

She straightened, pushed the vault door open and then stumbled as Bill shoved her inside, hearing the jackass yell and the door slam as she caught herself from falling, and then she looked around and saw Bill, standing inside the vault with her, flipping the lock.

“No!” she said, but it was too late.

She stared at him in disbelief. He’d locked the damn door. She’d tied his hands and there he was with both of them free, inside the vault with her, and the best case scenario was that one bad guy was about to meet the slowest cops in the city while she was trapped in a vault with another bad guy. Until Monday.

“Why?” she said to him. “Why, why, why?”

“You didn’t want to get robbed, did you?” Bill said.

“I didn’t care,” Courtney said. “I just didn’t want Henry to have a heart attack. And now he could be out there with an armed jackass, and we’re trapped in here. And I tied your hands, how the hell did you get out of that?”

“Swiss Army knife,” Bill said. “Be prepared. Look, Henry went out through the storeroom and we’re safe. When the cops come, they’ll let us out–”

“No,” Courtney said. “The only person who can let us out is the manager, Jordan. He’ll be back on Monday.”

“Oh,” Bill said, looking around. “This place have a bathroom?”

“Oh, god,” Courtney said, and let herself slide down the vault wall to the floor.

“I mean, I’m okay, I went before I came in, but you–”

“Shut up, Bill.”

“My name’s not Bill.”

“Of course it’s not,” Courtney said and closed her eyes and tried to think.