Bodybuilding Product Packaging and Ad Copy Funtime:FUBAR by Fusion Bodybuilding

I’ve written about this before but I think it’s still got some life in it. Some of the best creative writing comes from the people at bodybuilding supplement companies. I think this is an elite group of writers. And I want in.

Sarcasm? NO!

Seriously.

Okay so I just got some FUBAR from Fusion Bodybuilding. I’ll get into the actual product later, but in this case the best part about it is the writing on the packaging. There are so many things. From the bright orange colour of the label and pills right to the actual product, it’s exciting and hilarious.

Where to start? Directions: see “dosing schedule.” Uhuh. Whatever. What does the “dosing schedule” say? “Every Workout”–all in this doctor-y kind of pseudopharmaceutical little table. I love this shit. But we’re just getting started. We are given “The Science Behind Fubar” as well: it shows a “Hoffman Reflex Scale” that measures–according to these guys–”spinal excitability.” Bam. What a gem. There might be some reference to this term buried in a scholarly article about reflexes and so on, but nevertheless it took some badass writing chops to utilize it.

The two graphs it provides seem to point to experiments done with electrical stimulation on one axis and M-wave as the dependent variable. The main difference between them is the slope of the line on the FUBAR experiment. And to them, a change in the slope of this line literally means you get an “energy” increase of . . . . 812 percent.

Part of the business is using gigantic numbers. And I love how they pull it off. If you actually look at the graph though, (assuming this experiment actually happened), the effect isn’t incredibly huge–a modest increase in the m-wave output for the same amount of current applied. I’m not sure how much of a difference peaking output at 20mA instead of 35mA would make in the gym, but the creative use of slope here is the most amusing aspect. And as for “spinal excitability?” Who knows.  But based on the slope of that line, they deduce that this is “the strongest pre-workout complex on the market.”

Just like you can’t lift without lying to yourself and reapeatedly telling yourself how fucking strong you are (no, seriously, that’s what you have to do . . . it makes a huge difference), so you can’t sell to bodybuilders without pointing out what you wish were true in the most glib manner possible.

The funny thing about the mental game of weight lifting is that it may start out as a potential lie, but you eventually make it true. Does it work for sales as well? Hmmm.

“Note: Fusion Bodybuilding supplements are the strongest formulas available. Fubar is no different and outperforms all other pre-workout supplements. “

It sounds like a registered scientician or pharmist wrote that. It must be true. Or maybe the government made them put that on there because it was just too much! Maybe people were getting hurt because they didn’t know this!

Also it comes with the standard warning that you really should never exceed the recommended dosage, because man, that would be dangerous! That’s the usual boilerplate for these supplements, and I’m glad these guys slipped it in nicely. But I think I could come up with better ways to both scare/sell/encourage people to take more than the label says. It’s these little things that make the trade of writing this copy so interesting.

So what about the product itself?

Okay for serious now . . . not that I wasn’t being serious before. I sincerely enjoy reading this stuff and being hired to be the one to write it would be a dream job. Hey bodybuilding guys, you could totally use a scientifically literate fitness junkie who is also an author to write your stuff. Think about it.

Yes, it all comes down to caffeine. That’s mostly it. It’s the one thing that does exactly what the claim says. Normally I just use plain caffeine pills before workouts . . . within reason. Of course you have to cycle off for a few weeks every so often for it to continue working. For all you biology majors:

No matter what pill it comes in, caffeine always does the same thing.

FUBAR is real caffeine (100mg) along with “natural” sources of caffeine in the form of a couple extracts–green tea and yerba mate. With this also comes 100mg of N-Acetyl Tyrosine and a little standardized cacao. The N-Acetyl tyrosine is interesting, since I’ve never used that form of it before.

So standard supplement-land dogma says that plain caffeine is bad because it causes the dreaded “spike,” and we know that everything pointy is to be avoided. Only evenly-released/digested/whatever is good, right? So these “natural” caffeine sources apparently release differently. And I think I can tell.

It’s true, it’s not as much of a manic episode with this stuff. I didn’t get the feeling I normally get from my caffeine pills. I’m just not sure whether or not this is good or bad–I was only doing shoulders and arms, and not my big lifts. Despite the tyrosine, I don’t have the same wired sensation.

It was a good workout and I’ll have to play around with when exactly I take it and maybe trying 2 of them. Did I TRAIN INSANE? Not so much this time, but given the cost of this compared to the ultimate pre-workout upper Ripped Freak, it could be a viable alternative. I definitely prefer this to pre-workout drink mixes loaded with 20 billion things that don’t matter. There are very few things proven to get you jacked up enough to notice a difference, and adding anything else is just stupid. So I like this.

I think they could have ditched the cacao for some cayenne, but that’s just me. I haven’t seen much about theobromine.

If this were an actual review and anyone cared what I thought: I’d give it 3.5 bean-shaped cats out of a possible 5 bean-shaped-cats. I think it has potential.

Anyway. Please go lift something now.