Three Rules of Good Gossip
Gossip is a way of connecting with others and preserving social order, say the anthropologists and evolutionary psychologists who study this stuff. It’s a way of conveying information, developing alliances, strengthening friendships. But it can also be a devastating way to spread false rumor, demean another’s character, hurt someone you don’t like.
There is a fine line between helpful gossip and the kind that is hurtful. So, if you are going to talk about others – and you know that you are — follow a few of these rules to maintain your own integrity and do no harm.
Get curious, not judgmental. At one time or another we all exhibit bad behavior. Or we screw it up, make a mistake, make a poor choice. When we do, it’ likely others won’t understand because they won’t know our background or the events leading up to the circumstance. Remember this when you hear a gossipy tidbit about someone. Before you judge, get curious and compassionate. If you learn something you don’t like, fine, you don’t have to be buddies with the individual, but you don’t have to be judgmental either.
Don’t yield secrets. If someone shares with you in confidence, keep the news quiet. This has more to do with your character – the person you want to be – than the juicy news another has shared. Don’t breach confidences. If you do, you are proving yourself to be untrustworthy and unreliable. Not only does that feel icky, it also makes you a prime target for water cooler gossip.
Focus on the info that can help. Don’t repeat a bunch of sordid personal stuff about another’s character. Often it’s not true anyhow, because rarely do we have the whole story. But, if there is something you know that can keep others from getting hurt that gossip may be worth sharing. In this case, stick to the facts of your experience – she didn’t follow through with me, she lied about an incident, she never paid me back – as a warning to others. That is when psychologists say gossip is both helpful and effective for preserving social order.
