NOTHING TO HIDE 2020

“We don’t have anything really big on him, yet. He once wrote a disparaging letter to the US Ambassador to Japan.”
“Kardashian?”“No, the one before, Roos.”“Roos? Never heard of her. You can’t find any more recent dirt than that?”“It’s tough. He went offline in 2014. Made a big fuss about individualism and something called the Magna Carta and privacy.”“Those are terror code words.”“I know. The crawler flagged those suckers pronto.”“Wait. back up. Did you say offline?”“Yeah. Completely.”“Gmail?”“Nope.”“iPhone?”“Nope?”“XHamster?”“Not even that.”“Man. What does he do with his time?”“I did an analog.”“And?”“He reads a lot now.”“Jesus. Books?”“Yeah. Sometimes one a week.”“My God. What’s he into? Let me guess, freak-show shit?”“Totally. De Tocquerville, Vonnegut and Strunk and White. All dead.”“Reading the dead is a misdemeanor. We need something to put him away for good.“There was something. But I wanted to clear it with a super, before I was sure.”“Go on, I’m listening.”“Well, the year before he went offline. He posted the word lifegasm and I think he meant it ironically.”“My God. Irony.”“An Act of Terrorism in all 50 states and Homeland Territories since Democratic Martial Law was declared and...”“I know.”“...back-dated to any instance since the year 2000.”“Well done, we’ve got the bastard. Fire the drone under authority of Suspicion of Engaging in Unpatriotic Verbage.”“Already have, sir!”