“Cold Hearts” 2: Brainstorming the Fix

So now there’s rough draft and it’s lousy but that’s okay because the rough draft is just the place I start. But now I have to ask myself some hard questions. Like “What the fuck is going on here? Why doesn’t she just give him the damn diamond? Is she an idiot?” Below are my notes on rereading twice during the next two weeks.

Okay, this is a mess, so let’s run the basic conflict box:

Who’s the protagonist? Courtney

What’s her goal? To get out of the shop alive.

Who’s the antagonist? Colin

What’s his goal? To steal the diamond.

The problem here is that Courtney can get out of the shop alive by giving Colin the diamond. Colin’s a thief, not a killer, although Courtney can be forgiven for not knowing that. No, she’d know that. So Courtney’s goal is to stop Colin from stealing the diamonds, but she has no motivation for that goal.

Note to self: Get goal.

Then there are the beats:

Beat 1: Close up shop and get rid of Colin to go home

Beat 2: Colin’s inside the shop: Save Henry (and herself)

Beat 3: Use Nick as a shield while distracting Colin so Henry can escape

Beat 4: Lock herself in the vault to stop Colin

Man, that goal problem really shows up there. It’s not that it’s not feasible that her goal would shift like that during a robbery, it’s that it’s not good for the scene. Because it shifts, the scene’s escalation is sloppy:

Escalation of goal:

1. Wants to go home.

2. Wants to keep herself and Henry alive and go home.

3. Wants to keep herself and Henry alive and foil Colin and go home.

I’m not buying any of that.

Escalation of tension

1. Tired, no danger.

2. Colin has a gun, must protect herself and Henry

3. Then what? How does it get worse than that? Inside job, so she’ll be suspected? Henry will be suspected? Must foil robbery? Because otherwise, she should just give him the rock.

4. Then locks another thief in the vault with her.

Crap, no escalation. Worse, the pace is too fast, but it doesn’t escalate, so the worst of both worlds.

Plus I’m really screwing up Courtney’s character. She’s too over the top, frenetic, all smart mouth, no depth. Granted she’s in trouble and in conflict (YAY, got that right), but if a guy points a gun at her, she’s going to think about her kid, not just smart off.

Then there’s Nick, coming in as Bill. I’ll buy she’d be suspicious of him, but it’s not playing on the page. It’s too fast, I’m not setting it up.

And all that stuff about men seems clunky and stupid. She knows all men aren’t bastards. Makes her sound dumb, bitter, mean.

Also, how does Nick get into the vault? How did he not get hit with the door? Why didn’t Colin grab the door? Makes no sense.

I had things to do so I stopped thinking about it for a couple of days. The Girls like time to think. But eventually I went back, looked at the scene again, and made these notes:

Courtney wants to stop the robbery. Why?

Colin wants to commit the robbery. Obvious motive.

1. She tries to keep him out.

2. She keeps him from shooting Henry.

3. She tells him about the safe under the counter to distract him.

4. She lies to him about fiance.

5. She tells him the vault is locked.

6. She locks herself inside.

It’s all kind of throw-it-against-the-wall stuff. Delaying until Henry can get out?

WHY DOES SHE CARE? Previous attempt to make her look bad?

Jordan thinks she’s dumb; tries to pin his own failings on her?

Colin hits a nerve?

It’s Valentine’s Day. People have been putting a price tag on love?

Oh, please. Theme mongering with a heavy spread of ick.

Bill/Nick: Complication. Introduces love interest. Should be something there. I don’t want her reacting to how pretty he is because she’s mad and won’t care. But there has to be something there for her to notice, even subconsciously. Also, he’s not that damn interesting. Make him interesting.

Okay, pull back. What’s her motive for the whole novella? Establish a new life? Take back her power?

Tired of being helpless in the hands of fate. Establish her turf.

Prescott left her and she couldn’t stop him. Jordan patronizes her and she can’t stop him. Colin is threatening her; last straw?

Then later with Nick, she makes the decision.

This is the day that is different. How?

Her actions today start the story. How?

Plus, she’s angry. (All my heroines are angry.) She’s got a lot of rage and nowhere to put it until Colin shows up. Free-floating rage. So unattractive.

Okay, she’s suspicious of both guys, which is common sense, not paranoia. Her boss is duplicitous; smart not to trust him. She’s alone (sent Henry away), she has to save herself, not just from Colin but from the consequences of the robbery. Plus she’s tired of people thinking she’s dumb (yes, I know, that’s my problem, too) so she has to show she’s smart?

Argh.

So I left it again for awhile. The rest of my life keeps interrupting my writing. Must do something about that. And then I did the first rewrite; tune in tomorrow . . .