Things People Should Applaud But Never Do

When Mitt Romney said "In America, we celebrate success, we don't apologize for it." he got 19.1 seconds of thunderous applause.

When Barack Obama said "'Feel a cold coming on? Take two tax cuts, roll back some regulations, and call us in the morning!'" he got 22.7 seconds of continuous applause.

They are called applause lines, and every good public speaker uses them. Okay, physicists don't use them, but if they did, they'd fill more than a dozen seats in an auditorium designed to hold a small city. Why do they use them? Because the longer we clap, the less work they have to do. Whenever a comedian announces that he just had a baby, he is getting paid for the next twelve seconds and all he has to do is stand there and bask. It's the public speaker version of taking a long bathroom break while on the clock. Now, talking a long luxurious drought of water? That's the equivalent of hanging out at the water cooler.

But there are some things that people should applaud but never do. Bizarre Bermuda Triangles of public speaking that we can map out only by the wreckage left behind.

I've Never Had Alcohol
Announcing your sobriety for cheap applause is so common in standup that its almost become cliché. Want 15 seconds of free clapping? Just tell them you haven't had a drink in two years. It doesn't even have to be true, people just love applauding this one. (Somewhat ironic considering that every comedy club since 1933 requires a two-drink minimum to ensure that the patrons are too drunk to notice the sticky layer of despair covering the floor.)
However, announce that you've never had alcohol before, and people will stare at you like you just brought out a bobble head doll and proclaimed your intention to marry it.
This one can be particularly maddening if you realize that in both cases the same basic thing has been said. In both cases no alcohol has been consumed for the last two years, it's just that in one case one has gone above and beyond those two years, assuming the speaker is older then two years, which is a fairly safe assumption as assumptions go.
So why do people clap for one but not the other? Perhaps they feel like they are being judged, or perhaps it throws into sharp relief untidy parts of their own lives they'd rather not pay to be reminded of, or perhaps they feel like they now have so little in common with the person speaking that all they can do is just stare at him like an alien made of rice pudding.

I Just Converted To...
Let's face it, when something makes you happy, you want to share it with other people, and we are usually happy when other people are made happy, even if it is something we don't enjoy ourselves, we can be happy for them. Announce that you love visiting old castles? Applause. Announce that you just met the girl of your dreams and you are so so so in love? Huge applause. Announce that you just converted to a new religion that makes you happy? Dead Silence.


There are some others I thought of. People will applaud “I just got over a long battle with cancer” but not I just got over a long and painful relationship/divorced. People will applaud I quit smoking a year ago but won't applaud I've never smoked. Although I suspect that's similar to the alcohol one.

Anyway, I'd like to hear what you guys have to say, so let me know why you think people don't applaud certain things, or let me know if you've discovered things of your own in the Bermuda Triangle of applause.