Working At Home and the Art of Saying No

Monday I said to my husband: That’s it. I’m getting back on a 9-5, 5 day a week schedule.

This was funny, mainly because I don’t think I’ve ever successfully maintained that schedule for more than a day, so ‘back on’ is something of a…dirty lie from the pit of hell. I’m not good with schedules. I’m sort of disorganized, I like to keep my options open. People sometimes ask me how many hours I write a week…and I rarely know the answer.

Because…well, because. Because I don’t keep track. Because I’m very fluid with my time.

This though often leads to me working evenings, and weekends so that I feel like I’m caught up. So NO MORE, I decided.

Monday came, and I did great!

Then I got invited out to go to lunch and shoe shopping on Tuesday. Also, Tuesday (it’s Tuesday as I write this) I had a book coming out, so I was already anticipating that my actual ‘word count’ work would be low because…well, because. I get distracted when I have books come out. And I flail. A lot. I flail a lot.

So already, before Tuesday even hit I had temptations to ditch the schedule.

So much of the problem is me, and I know this. I’m not not good at drawing a hard line and saying: I am WORKING because…well, I’m not scheduled for an eight hour shift at Starbucks. So when I say no to things I feel like everyone is thinking: But you could. IF YOU LOVED ME ENOUGH. (okay, maybe not that last part. But that I COULD)

And the things is, I could. Butt he problem with that is…well, it quickly devolves into seven nights a week of work where I feel restless and edgy all day because the THE WORDS are looming yet ahead of me. So I never have that feeling of: yayyyy done. Instead I have: not getting it done not getting it done finally getting it done sleep.

Add kids to all this and, well…yes, I CAN come look at that. Why yes, I COULD come and spread the jelly for you because you think I do it better than daddy (cuz, awww).

This is what happens to me as a work at home parent. I know that stay at home parents experience similar. The idea that, because they don’t have a ‘boss man’ putting their name on a schedule they’re completely flexible and FREEEE. Yeah, no.

But again, in my case at least, my real problem isn’t necessarily that everyone around me needs to learn that I have a fixed schedule (though…that would be nice) the real problem is that *I* need to learn to say no. I’m bad at saying no. Like really bad. I don’t like to disappoint anyone, and I agree to things often to my detriment. I have good intentions, but  often my perpetual need to say yes sees me either being drive crazy, or forgetting a million important things because…I’ve agreed to DO too many things!

I love that when I need it to be, my schedule is flexible. That when I want to pile in the car and go to the animal park and write while my husband drives, I can do that. When my son has a class party, I can do. I’m not chained to my office, and things shift, and I LOVE that. But the flexible nature of the job is often hard for me because I DO put that ‘people pleasing’ ‘yes man’ pressure on myself.

So I’m searching for the balance. Will I find it in this hard line, 9-5 schedule? (Which I have trumpeted to family and friends…) I don’t know.

One thing I do know about balance and schedules is that re-adjusting is something that has to happen. Often. Balance, once achieved, is not necessarily kept.

In the meantime…I said no to lunch and shoe shopping. It was hard. I didn’t want to. But I respected my OWN schedule, which is definitely something that has to happen before I ask anyone else to do it.

How about you? Is saying no easy for you? Or are you afraid of disappointing people like I am?