knowing your muse :: giving up was never an option

Editor's Note: during the month of June, members of my Story Sessions community will be posting about what it means to pursue dreams, engage in self-care and practice active boundaries. They had free reign on what they wrote, and the topics come from my 30 Days of Prompts. I'm so excited about the wisdom these ladies will share with you, and I know you'll be inspired.

xoxo,

Elora Nicole

 // 

I lost 20,000 words last month.

I suppose that's what I get for not finding a proper back-up situation. After the initial shock wore off, I took a deep breath and resolved to carry on. As I started to sift through what had happened, I found myself feeling happy for the fresh start. It's always better the second time, right? Isn't that a thing?

I shared this story as played out and the emotions that ran through me on Facebook in real time. Shortly after I posted the blog about it, a friend commented to say that she was inspired because, if it had happened to her, she probably would have given up.

I didn't know what to say. Give up? That's far more devastating. I can put more words on paper. One at a time, they will build up. I have a deep trust in that process. It would be much more difficult to not do it. Losing those words sucked, but I have more. It's what I do.

The War of Art was a pivotal book for me. I read it on an airplane (it's a short book) in 2010 and as I did, I made a promise to myself: I would pursue my dreams. Whatever that means. I am an artist. Whatever that means. I would follow my muse wherever she decided to lead me. 

And, OH, the places I have been! I got to speak at conference once to a group of kid's ministry professionals about how to teach children creative nonviolence in the face of oppression. I got to talk about leaning deeply into an education that includes learning how to love our enemies. I started a crazy life coaching practice called The Shalom Sessions and my questions have inspired people to do such impossible feats as quit their jobs to write full time, be the mermaid they were meant to be, and gather the courage from the strength inside themselves to leave the muck of depression. In the span of nine months, I launched a blog, wrote my first digital book shortly after I found out what a digital was, and gave birth in my living room on purpose. My muse has carried me off to such wild places as Austin TX, Portland OR, and Washington DC. She has strange sense of humor + adventure.

But I can dig it.

In making that promise to myself and to God, I discovered that my dreams aren't the pipe variety.

I want to do this for the rest of my life. And I believe business can be a holy thing. In mingling marketing and shalom, I found something bigger than myself.

I don't know that it works this way for everyone. I think that's okay. But, for me, the reason I didn't fold it all up when those words disappeared was because, well, this is my job. 

And so, there were only ever two options: make the best of it or make the worst of it. If I had chosen the latter, I would not have felt guilty for doing so. I would have eaten my sad cake and been comforted. I would have cried for as long as I needed to. And then, I would have resolved to put more words on the page. And back the daggone thing up this time!

Giving up would have hurt so much more. Because these dreams aren't going to go away. I could stuff them down, but that's not how I want to live. I want to follow my muse. I want her to thrill and terrify and comfort and exhaust me every day. She has me on a wild goose chase, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I've worked really hard to get to this point where I am confident that my work is work. It was an intentional endeavor. Because for a long time, I felt silly, like I was pretending. Finally, I decided to just go for it. If I believed I was real boy, eventually I would become one. That's how the story goes, right?

If you struggle with deep doubt and insecurity but you really want to turn your dreams into real live, breathing, squirming things, this post is for you.

There is magnificent freedom in knowing that you can lose 100,000 and it won't even slow you down. You were meant to shine. And your muse desperately wants to show you how to get you where you want to go. Let her drive.

 //

When Brandy Walker was in kindergarten, she used to get in trouble for daydreaming. Now she works as a professional daydreamer. She writes to change the world. She performs poetic presentations at conferences and colleges in hopes of spreading shalom as far as it will go. She's a mom, a laugher, and an irresponsible optimist. She shares the stories on her heart at http://brandyglows.com and is the founding editor of The Bomb Shelter (http://thebombshelter.us). She helps ambitious women dare to dream even bigger with the Shalom Sessions.