How to deal with a difficult parent. (Blog marathon post 10)

Last evening I got this mail in
my inbox:



Dear Preeti,







I am a regular reader of your
blog and I have read  two of your books too. I



really enjoy your writing style.
But more than the style, what completely



impresses me is your great
insight about life. I love all those positive



things you write - be it about
time management, living life to the fullest



or showing your love to those
who matter.







I have been wanting to write to
you for a very long time. But I hesitated,



because we have never met or
spoken before. But now I saw that you are on a



blog marathon. So I felt this
was the right time to mail you, because you



would be obviously in the look
out for fresh topics.  I was wondering if



you could take some time out and
blog about the issue I have in my life...











I lost my Dad in an accident
when I was 4 years old and my sister was 6



years of age. We come from a
middle class family hailing from Kerala. My



mom had a government job. My mom
was a typical Indian wife who cooked and



cleaned, and had no idea
 about what happened in the outside world. After



we lost our Dad, no one came to
help us out in any way. So my mom struggled



a lot to raise me and my sister.
And I love my mom a lot for all that she



has done for us. That said, my
mom is a very unreasonable woman. Even



though she is a very caring
person, she never gives me any peace of mind.



She nags and fights with me over
every little thing in the world. I do care



a lot about her, and try hard to
keep her happy. But at  the end of it, she



still picks on something and
blames me about it. Iam tired of trying to



keep her happy all the time.







Then, I met a wonderful woman -
an attractive, fun, intelligent and genuine



person. We used to work together
in Bangalore, fell in love and got



married. After marriage, I moved
to the Middle East, because I got a better



job offer. And I took my mom and
wife with me. And ever since we got



married, things have got worse.
My mom and wife are always at logger heads.



Initially, my wife was very
understanding and supportive. She used to



silently deal with my mom, and
she was actually sympathetic towards my mom.



Infact, she used to even mediate
the fights between me and my mom. But



after a while, my wife could
take no longer.







Now the scene in my house is
very chaotic. There is not a single day I can



remain peaceful in my life. I do
know that most of the time it is my mom



who is at fault. But she is
beyond any reasoning or logic. Since my wife is



an intelligent woman, I tell her
to be more understanding. But my wife says



that Iam being very cruel to
her, by closing my eyes to my mom's rudeness.



Now things have reached a point
where my mom and wife can't stand each



other. My wife is an independent
woman who likes to live her life on her



own terms. And my mom is of the
old school and believes in controlling both



me and my wife. She doesn't let
us enjoy any couple time. She creates a big



hue and cry when I take my wife
out. I do know that we are entitled to



couple time. And I don't blame
my wife for wanting it. But since my mom is



reacting very strongly against
it, I find it very hard to take my wife out.







I don't know how to balance this
situation. My mom is old and lonely in her



life. She is overtly dependent
on me for everything. And she doesn't want



to live away from me. I can't
afford to provide her a different home with



all amenities in the Middle
East. I will have to send her back to Kerala.



But I know that she won't be
able to cope with that at all. And even I



don't have the heart to do it. I
love my mom very dearly.







But I love my wife also very
much. She is adamant that she doesn't want to



live with my mom anymore. I know
its unfair to tell my wife to tolerate my



unreasonable mom. My wife is a
really lovely person, and my mom has hurt



her many times.  But my mom
has lived all her life and sacrificed all her



happiness for me and my sister.
I want them both, and I want them both to



be happy.







Whenever you are looking for
something to blog about, can u pls blog about



my situation? I would really
like to hear your feedback about it. I  do



feel that you have a great way
of dealing with difficulties in life. And I



feel that since you are both a
wife and a mother, you would understand the



perspective of both my wife and
mom. My wife is an independent thinking,



open-minded woman of today. But
my mom is a narrow-minded, conservative,



dependent person. Feel free to
share this mail on your blog, but pls don't



disclose my full name.. If
someone has a



similar experience, it would be
great to read their experience in your



comment box.







Thank-you so much for reading
it. I am really looking forward to your



suggestions and tips.



Warm Regards













After reading the mail, I felt I
had to publish it in my blog.



Here is my take on this
situation.



Dear Reader who has requested to
be anonymous,



Firstly I understand your pain
and frustration, and deep sense of duty towards your mother. Your mother raised
you and your sister, after your father passed away, and you feel extremely
duty-bound towards her, because of this. As a son you have been really dutiful
and you have brought her along with you to the Middle East. Your wife has tried
her best to be understanding and sweet towards your mother, but both of you are
now at your wits end, because of your mother's unreasonable behaviour.



By going on giving in to your
mother's demands, you have inadvertently set yourself up for the 'victim'
role.  I am sorry to say this so frankly--but your mother is definitely
bullying you. You are unable to say a firm NO to her. There are constant fights
between your mother and you and you have said that your wife used to even
mediate between you two. I must say your wife is a remarkably understanding
woman.





Perhaps your mother is
subconsciously projecting her  frustrations on to you? It must definitely
not have been easy for her to raise you and your sister by herself. She must be
having a lot of suppressed pain and emotions, which she does not know how to
deal with. It comes out in her interactions with you, as you are the closest to
her. (we are usually our true selves only to the ones closest to us)





You have not mentioned what your
sister does. Is she earning? Can you not send your mother to your sister's
place for 6 months of the year, and then keep her with you , for the remaining
six?



You also have not mentioned
whether your mother has any siblings or not. Can your mother not spend a month
or two with a sibling?



I understand your mother is old.
But by letting her being overtly dependent on you, to the point of it affecting
your marriage--that is just not done. No matter how much she has sacrificed for
you and your sister, rudeness is just not acceptable---especially towards your
children, who love you!



As much as we love our parents,
we have to realize  that we are really not responsible for our adult
parent's happiness. What you are trying to do is parent your mother (By trying
to be everything for her)--and that is simply not possible. Quit trying to make
her happy all the time. You cannot do that. She has to take responsibility for
her happiness--ALLOW her to do so. (Right now, from what I gather, the moment
she wants you to 'fix something', whether, real or imagined, you rush and
oblige.Stop doing that.) Do not allow her to pick on you.



You will definitely have to put
your foot down and tell your mother that you have to take your wife out. She
might resist in the beginning. Be firm but kind towards your mother. Be patient
towards her. Don't fight with her. Just smile and say "Yeah mama--I will be
back at so-and-so time and we are going to so-and-so place." She is bound
to throw a huge tantrum probably. Be prepared for it. But whatever disapproval
she expresses, don't react or retort. Just smile. (This is easy to say but very
very hard to follow, I know..because this is what I try to do)



Your wife is a woman who fell in
love with you--and you too love her a lot and appreciate her so much. Keep that
love alive. Guard it. Do not allow negativity to cloud that. It is precious.
Tell your wife how much you appreciate her. Hold her hand. Take her for drives
(if you own a car). tell her how beautiful she looks, and how much you admire
her intelligence.



Tell your mother that you love
her a lot, but you will not tolerate negativity, fault-finding and rudeness.
And sending her to Kerala for 6 months or 3 months or whatever time-frame you
choose, is really not being cruel, provided she is in a safe and comfortable
place. So don't feel guilty about it.



I do hope my words have helped.

May your home be filled with
love and peace. 

 Sending you positive
vibes.

Love

Preeti



I do invite all of you, to comment
with your take on the situation. Do share your thoughts. If you want to remain anonymous, you can. (All it takes is a valid e-mail id for commenting on this
blog. Name need not be disclosed)







Sharing is empowering.







Do offer your thoughts, and
perhaps they will help this person who has reached out and is asking for help.







I look forward to your comments





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