Onset of Darkness at the End of the Day

So, I'm well into writing my next Clara story but needed a break so I thought I'd divert myself by writing a straight-up parody - of Twilight. I was quite pleased with how it turned out so I'm going to publish it for fun, it might even be ready tomorrow I'm not sure. Here's the opening extract. (excuse GR for wreaking havoc with the formatting)

Onset of Darkness at the End of the Day

by Clara Brooks

Life sucks.

No, I’m serious. I’m not even joking. Oh my days, life really sucks. Really, really, really really sucks. Total, maximum suckage. I’m saying that if you got a vacuum cleaner and put it on maximum strength for, like, twenty minutes, it wouldn’t come close to creating the amount of suck that there is right now in my life. Look, my life is just so terrible I’m going to give you an example. I was eating dinner with my my mum and my stepdad - just before I moved away - and they’d served up mashed potatoes and peas and sausages, and it was just horrible, and so I told my mum;

“This is really horrible mum. This has to be the worst dinner I have ever eaten in my entire life and I’m not even joking. God, my life sucks. I totally said I didn’t want mashed potatoes again tonight. We had them last month.” My mother totally doesn’t understand me. Why would she serve mashed potatoes when I told her specifically that I hated them. And don’t get me started on the amount of times she's given me peas. Gross.

“For the Lord Almighty’s sake Irma Goose, not this again. Just eat them will you? There are children starving in Ethiopia you know who would die for that mashed potato and you’re complaining about this wonderful God given gift of food you have on the plate in front of you.”

“Please, Mary, don’t take the Lord’s name in vain in front of the child, we’re trying to raise her as a good Christian. It’s not going to reflect well on us if she starts saying that at school, is it?” My idiot stepdad intervened.

“Oh do shut up Joseph. Now Irma, think of the poor little Ethiopians who aren’t blessed to live in such a wonderful God-blessed country as you and eat up your potatoes like a good girl.”

And this is what I said, because this is - the point I’m trying to make with this interesting anecdote - how much my life sucks. “I’d rather be a starving Ethiopian than have to eat your mashed potatoes ever again mum. And do you know why mum? Because they suck and my life sucks. Everything about my life sucks. I bet those poor starving Ethiopians don’t have parents who decided to get divorced. They’ve got absolutely no idea how terrible my life is They don’t know what it’s like to have divorced parents” And do you know how she replied to my heartfelt burst of emotion?

“You’re being a little overdramatic dear.” Typical. Just typical. You put all of your feelings, all of your emotions out there and that’s the typical response you get from parents. She’s the one walking away, not me.. Why should I have to suffer for it? By the grace of God, she filed for divorce which I’m sure is something that Jesus would never do. Just because my Dad was caught in a compromising situation with a cheerleader. Sure, it might have been a little wrong and I hate him from the bottom of my heart for doing it, but at least he asked for mum’s forgiveness in front of God, and honestly, if God can forgive him for doing it then why can’t she? “Cheer up dear, you’re going to live with your Dad in Spoons, which is a beautiful little town, and I’m sure you’ll meet a really nice handsome young man there and you can have so much fun going to Sunday school together and listening to that noisy rock music you like so much, Stellar Kart isn’t it?

“Spoons. I’m quite sure that Spoons is the dullest place on the entire planet.”