The Path of Self-Improvement
What’s the right path for you? Where are you going—in terms of your self-improvement and personal growth? And how are you going to get there? Is there only one way, or many?
This is kind of how I think about psychotherapy, as a chance for each of us to chart our own course. To do this we need to take into consideration where we’ve been, what resources we have, what additional resources we need, where we want to go, and to what degree can we trust ourselves. Then the question is, “What’s the best way for each of us to get where we want to go?”
I was recently helping a client chart his course and he accused me of being “discordant.” When I asked what he meant he said, “You espouse ideas about how pretty much everything is subjective, everyone has to figure things out for themselves, but then you go on and tell me the best way to live my life as if you know what’s best for me.”
Guilty as charged
Basically my client’s criticism is valid. I am quite emphatic about how I think we should live our lives if we want to create certain results. And, I don’t often enough remind people that I’m always talking about my view of the world and what works for me—as well as so many of the people I’ve worked with. I really should preface more of my sentences with statements like, “I have helped myself by . . . ” Or, “If you want your romantic relationship to be easy, Hannah and I have learned that what works for us is . . . ”
So, let me set the record straight. I don’t think that there is one way or one path that is right for everyone. I think that part of growing up and taking responsibility for our lives is deciding for ourselves what practices to pursue, what workshops to attend, and what teachers to study. We each need to lay the bricks that create our paths.
I have another client who has recently made a remarkable and positive transition in his life. When I asked him what was most helpful, he said, “All the different pieces have come together for me—therapy, homeopathy, my Buddhist practice, my 5-rhythms movement practice, and the Reology retreats I’ve attended with you guys.”
And what I realized as he rattled off these different methods is that each one built upon the others. The similarities in his different practices reinforced what he was learning, while the differences in the practices required him to explore himself more deeply and find his own resolution. As a result, he has charted a course that works for him.
This is what I want for all of us; to chart our own courses—that lead us toward health—emotional, mental, physical and spiritual.
One caveat
I want to say that one of my most deeply held beliefs is that no matter what path we choose—learning to use ReSpeak is essential. Why? Because whatever path you choose, if you talk to yourself and other people using ordinary language, you will speak (at times) as if you are a victim, because that’s the structure of ordinary language.
When we say things like:
She makes me so angry.
They ruined my day.
He makes me feel unsafe.
She makes me feel disrespected.
We are speaking as victims. We are talking as if other people are responsible for how we feel. Reology proposes that we are each responsible for how we feel. Other people don’t make us angry, we make ourselves angry. Other people don’t ruin our day, we do this to ourselves. People don’t really make us feel unsafe (except in extreme situations like a robbery or a physical assault), we make ourselves feel unsafe. People don’t disrespect us, we disrespect ourselves.
People are going about their lives doing what they do. I won’t go as far as to say that they are doing the best they can (here’s a blog I wrote about that subject). Instead, I will say that—from my perspective—their behaviors are a reflection of them, not me. The further I travel on my path, the less I personalize other people’s behaviors.
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