Summer Query Extravaganza #4
To become my next participant you need only comment on the queries that come before you and contact me on twitter to volunteer for this valuable opportunity. There are no spots left, but I may do this again next month so keep commenting and ask me nicely on twitter! Chocolate bribes wouldn't hurt either.
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
Here we go with query #4:
Kindra Odion and her twin sister, Kaye, are the last living descendants of the War God, Eoin. This makes me wonder if they are human. As a side note, having two K names as close characters can lead to confusion as the reader's eye tends to pass over the names and only see the first letter. Since their father's suspicious death eight summers ago, Kindra has trained to become her tribe’s first woman warrior and her sister has trained to become a priestess. This could be tightened. Cut both 'has' and the second 'become.' Although Kindra completes the whipping ceremony to make a blood-bond with the tribe, Eoin fails to give her a warrior name. She’s determined to earn her name in battle, but her plans change when the enemy Obsidian tribe claims Kaye as restitution for the last war. To Kindra’s surprise and horror, the new chief allows them to take her sister.
When Kindra tries to follow her sistercomma she's stopped at the command of her chief, violently. If you give the details, you don't have to use violently. When Kindar tries to follow her sister, she's beaten senseless at the chief's order. Bloodthirst, aren't I? The rumors widespread at her father’s death are whispered in her ear once more. A little awkward. The widespread rumors from her father's death return. They say it was the new chief who murdered her father. It was the new chief who sold her sister to the enemy. It was the new chief—not the War God—who refused to grant her a warrior name. Kindra didn’t believe the rumors in the past, but she begins to doubt the chief. I think you need to name him. He's important enough to the query. Giving his name shows he's important from the start. And conversely, you don't really need the name of her sister.
When the Obsidian chief provides evidence that the rumors are true comma it threatens to place the tribe in his control. swing the tribe to his control? And I assume you mean her tribe. As the last Odion warrior, Kindra’s the only one who can depose the chief and save her tribe, but it will mean giving up the quest to rescue her sister, and the hope of ever becoming a named warrior.
THE NAMELESS WARRIOR is an Adult Fantasy similar to The White Mare by Jules Watson or The Light Bearer by Donna Gillespie, complete at 123,000 words. The word count is pretty high, and I don't get any fantasy vibe from the query. What are the fantasy elements? Does she have super war powers? Can the tribe fly? Do they wrestle great horned owls on a land made out of cheese? If query and genre don't seem to match it means there is something wrong with one or the other.
As I was going to Saint Ives, I meet a girl with many tribes. Tribes, chiefs, gods, who was going to Saint Ives? What I'm trying to say (stupidly) is in a fast read through, these could easily get mixed up and cause confusion. Giving her chief a name would help.
The biggest problem I have is this doesn't have anything to support fantasy. I was thinking it was historical fiction or something along those lines. As a historical fiction or thriller, it reads pretty nicely. Stakes, conflict, a villain, everything you need. As a fantasy, I'm scratching my head.
Edit: The author tells me the twin sister has wings. But the author doesn't know how to work this into the query. My first sentence suggestion would be: As the last living descendants of the war god, Eoin, Kindra Odion got his skills and her twin sister got his wings.
Other thoughts?
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
Here we go with query #4:
Kindra Odion and her twin sister, Kaye, are the last living descendants of the War God, Eoin. This makes me wonder if they are human. As a side note, having two K names as close characters can lead to confusion as the reader's eye tends to pass over the names and only see the first letter. Since their father's suspicious death eight summers ago, Kindra has trained to become her tribe’s first woman warrior and her sister has trained to become a priestess. This could be tightened. Cut both 'has' and the second 'become.' Although Kindra completes the whipping ceremony to make a blood-bond with the tribe, Eoin fails to give her a warrior name. She’s determined to earn her name in battle, but her plans change when the enemy Obsidian tribe claims Kaye as restitution for the last war. To Kindra’s surprise and horror, the new chief allows them to take her sister.
When Kindra tries to follow her sistercomma she's stopped at the command of her chief, violently. If you give the details, you don't have to use violently. When Kindar tries to follow her sister, she's beaten senseless at the chief's order. Bloodthirst, aren't I? The rumors widespread at her father’s death are whispered in her ear once more. A little awkward. The widespread rumors from her father's death return. They say it was the new chief who murdered her father. It was the new chief who sold her sister to the enemy. It was the new chief—not the War God—who refused to grant her a warrior name. Kindra didn’t believe the rumors in the past, but she begins to doubt the chief. I think you need to name him. He's important enough to the query. Giving his name shows he's important from the start. And conversely, you don't really need the name of her sister.
When the Obsidian chief provides evidence that the rumors are true comma it threatens to place the tribe in his control. swing the tribe to his control? And I assume you mean her tribe. As the last Odion warrior, Kindra’s the only one who can depose the chief and save her tribe, but it will mean giving up the quest to rescue her sister, and the hope of ever becoming a named warrior.
THE NAMELESS WARRIOR is an Adult Fantasy similar to The White Mare by Jules Watson or The Light Bearer by Donna Gillespie, complete at 123,000 words. The word count is pretty high, and I don't get any fantasy vibe from the query. What are the fantasy elements? Does she have super war powers? Can the tribe fly? Do they wrestle great horned owls on a land made out of cheese? If query and genre don't seem to match it means there is something wrong with one or the other.
As I was going to Saint Ives, I meet a girl with many tribes. Tribes, chiefs, gods, who was going to Saint Ives? What I'm trying to say (stupidly) is in a fast read through, these could easily get mixed up and cause confusion. Giving her chief a name would help.
The biggest problem I have is this doesn't have anything to support fantasy. I was thinking it was historical fiction or something along those lines. As a historical fiction or thriller, it reads pretty nicely. Stakes, conflict, a villain, everything you need. As a fantasy, I'm scratching my head.
Edit: The author tells me the twin sister has wings. But the author doesn't know how to work this into the query. My first sentence suggestion would be: As the last living descendants of the war god, Eoin, Kindra Odion got his skills and her twin sister got his wings.
Other thoughts?
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