The Strange and Accidental Death's of Mr Snuggles.
People have asked me, while on Goodreads, what sort of things do I write.
Simply put, things like this...
THE STRANGE
ACCIDENTAL
DEATH’S
AND REBIRTH’S
OF
Mr SNUGGLES
Dedicated to Mr Snuggles
Mr Snuggles II,
Mr Snuggles III
Mr Snuggles IV
Mr Snuggles V
Mr Snuggles VI
and soon
Mr Snuggles VII
When Mr Pete Whitlow came to live with his relation, by legal action, Mr E.M. Faustus, he was already aware that beneath the gruff, aggressive and sexualised manner of Mr E.M. Faustus there lay a heart of gruffness, aggression and sexual rapscallioninity unlike anything he had ever encountered.
Yet despite their differences, of which there were too many to number, he loved Faustus like a brother. In return, Faustus loved him like a second cousin, once removed, the kind you don’t really like, but see at weddings and funerals so have to be nice to them, and occasionally would send birthday cards to, providing his Mum rang him, to remind him and sent him the card to sign an post.
They worked well together. Fautus proved to be the brains and muscles while Pete was around, made exceptional coffee and upon occasions, when required, could decapitate vampires, werewolves and an occasional naughty person with one good old yank on his bonce.
But they had to be naughtily psychotic to bring that side out in Pete.
So Faustus and Pete rubbed along well enough together. And their home life became complete when firstly they birthed a child, via adoption, and then found the joys of Lilly Mae. Though in Pete’s case it mainly revolved around taking the dogs for extremely long walks. And not getting his throat bitten out around full moon. And remembering to put the toilet seat down.
The only fly in the ointment was Faustus’ irrational use and abuse of Mr Snuggles. Pete’s pride and joy. A Teddy Bear of the finest order.
Mr Faustus seemed to take an instant dislike to Mr Snuggles. Due, primarily to what he saw as ‘the judgemental way the little bastard looks at me.’
It was in the second week of their living together that Mr Faustus had to break the news to Pete that Mr Snuggles had met with an unfortunate accident.
The accident occurred whilst Pete had been asked to go to the local shopping parade and collect a parcel of sweetmeats for Mr Faustus. During that period, Mr Faustus had decided to poison a stump that lay in their garden, just beginning to jut new spring growth. Knowing the propensity of Elder to spread, if not controlled, Mr Faustus decided to mix a small, poisonous concoction to prevent both its spread, and life. A concoction that consisted primarily of petrol mixed with certain explosive chemicals.
All mixed in that universal kitchen appliance, the liquidizer.
It seemed though that Pete’s dogs had been playing a game of ‘tug’ with Mr Snuffles. Well, one must have let go, which surprised the other to such an extent that he threw said Mr Snuggles high into the air. Mr Snuggles, heedless of his course, was ill prepared for his landing in the liquidizer.. Mr Faustus failed to notice the bear through the glass walls of the beaker and popped on the lid and turned it on. Quickly reducing it to shredded pulp.
After lighting a cigarette he wandered outside and unceremoniously dumped the contents on the Elder stump.
It was his surprise at seeing the severed head of Mr Snuggles looking up at him that caused the cigarette to fall from his mouth and onto the mixture, which duly ignited, rendering Mr Snuggles remains to ash by the time Pete had returned.
When he broke the news to Pete, Mr Faustus became so overwhelmed with grief that he temporarily lost his mind, and was oft to be found giggling in corners.
Not all was lost however, as a dejected Pete wandered about the market place of the weekend, he found a stall that sold Children’s Playthings. There, amidst various toys of pink and green, of girls and boys, lay a brand new, uncremated Mr Snuggles. Seeing it as an omen, Pete immediately purchased the bear and skipped home to show Mr Faustus the bear that had returned to his warm and loving family. A reincarnation, if you will.
Sadly, whilst holding the identical outward appearance of The first Mr Snuggles, Mr Snuggles II seemed prone to suicidal fits of depression.
Within two days Pete discovered Mr Snuggles II slowly revolving in the toilet bowl, his feet banging against the toilet seat. Mr Faustus attempted to explain to Pete that this was normal in reincarnated soft toys. That it would be best to let the bear work through it.
But the warning came too late.
Within two days of drying upon the line, Mr Snuggles II had somehow contrived to fashion the washing line into a rudimentary noose and hang himself, directly over the barbecue. Which when lit, for an impromptu sandwich of steak and onions, by Mr Faustus, caused the bear to join the first Mr Snuggles in the ash bin.
Not to be deterred, Pete decided to purchase a third Mr Snuggles, of which the market vendor assured him, he could obtain a ready supply.
Sadly Mr Snuggles III died in equal strange circumstances. Upon this occasion the result of the attentions of an over sexed rabbit that had been force fed Viagra before being accidently locked in a bread bin, who threw the well rodgered remnants on Mr Snuggles III out (after three days), straight into the waiting jaws of a carelessly placed document shredder.
Mr Snuggles IV met his end after falling from the office window, whilst on one of his occasional visits to Pete’s place of employ. Mr Faustus Consulting Investigational agency. He fell into a large boiling pot of pitch, Navvies were using to resurface the street outside the office. His presence was not noticed until too late, but which time he had become bonded to the roads very surface.
His face could still be seen gazing up from the byway.
Mr Snuggles V simply vanished one day. It was the day Faustus has spent several hours with drain rods in the back garden, trying to clear a rather difficult blockage in the sewer pipes. So, as he pointed out to Pete, he could not be held responsible for the loss of the cherished bear, having not been in the house.
The death of Mr Snuggles VI was resultant of a small accident. Initially a small accident.
Pete was receiving instruction from Mr Faustus as to the correct manner of the appropriate way to use an electrically powered circular saw. A simple task of cutting a length of board. Concentrating so hard upon achieving a straight cut, Pete failed to notice that he had placed Mr Snuggles VI upon the timber before him.
As Mr Faustus pointed out, Pete must have done this, for he had never been seen to touch the bear, in any of his incarnations. Therefore he could not be held responsible.
When the circular saw caught Mr Snuggles VI midriff, it quickly caught upon a surprisingly large metal rod that was inserted lengthways from rectal passage, as it were, into brain pan.
The best description of said metal rod that Pete was able to come up with later, after the fire brigade had left, was nail.
The striking of the metal blade against the surface of the metal ‘nail’ caused a series of small sparks. These sparks caused the interior of Mr Snuggles VI, the stuffing, to ignite. It appears that at some point in the recent past that Mr Snuggles VI had consumed a large amount of what, the fire investigators referred to as lighter fluid. Consequently Mr Snuggles VI immediately became a burning mound.
Acting swiftly, Pete scooped up Mr Snuggles VI and threw him into a nearby bucket, which contained a liquid that was labelled as ‘water’. Much to his consternation, it was at this point Pete discovered it was petrol for the self-propelling lawnmower.
The Chief Fire Officer later referred to Pete, hurling the bucket of petrol, from the workshop, and into the shrubbery, as ‘Biggest F#####g Molotov Cocktail’ he had ever seen.
To further compound the difficulty, it appears that some miscreant had hidden a large quantity of plastic explosives, buried in a shallow pit beneath the Azaleas. Under Police Interrogation Mr Faustus later stated that one of his prior lady friends may have secreted said explosives there with the thoughts of an attempt upon his life.
Mr Snuggle however was not as lucky as Mr Faustus.
Mr Snuggle was distributed over three streets. His nose was later discovered in a window box eight doors down the street.
Now, Mr Snuggles VII was permanently in residence, unless in Pete’s bed, within an airtight safe, built into the wall of Pete’s room. He had rejected Faustus’ suggestions that air holes were drilled.
Accidents of any form could occur at almost any time.
Simply put, things like this...
THE STRANGE
ACCIDENTAL
DEATH’S
AND REBIRTH’S
OF
Mr SNUGGLES
Dedicated to Mr Snuggles
Mr Snuggles II,
Mr Snuggles III
Mr Snuggles IV
Mr Snuggles V
Mr Snuggles VI
and soon
Mr Snuggles VII
When Mr Pete Whitlow came to live with his relation, by legal action, Mr E.M. Faustus, he was already aware that beneath the gruff, aggressive and sexualised manner of Mr E.M. Faustus there lay a heart of gruffness, aggression and sexual rapscallioninity unlike anything he had ever encountered.
Yet despite their differences, of which there were too many to number, he loved Faustus like a brother. In return, Faustus loved him like a second cousin, once removed, the kind you don’t really like, but see at weddings and funerals so have to be nice to them, and occasionally would send birthday cards to, providing his Mum rang him, to remind him and sent him the card to sign an post.
They worked well together. Fautus proved to be the brains and muscles while Pete was around, made exceptional coffee and upon occasions, when required, could decapitate vampires, werewolves and an occasional naughty person with one good old yank on his bonce.
But they had to be naughtily psychotic to bring that side out in Pete.
So Faustus and Pete rubbed along well enough together. And their home life became complete when firstly they birthed a child, via adoption, and then found the joys of Lilly Mae. Though in Pete’s case it mainly revolved around taking the dogs for extremely long walks. And not getting his throat bitten out around full moon. And remembering to put the toilet seat down.
The only fly in the ointment was Faustus’ irrational use and abuse of Mr Snuggles. Pete’s pride and joy. A Teddy Bear of the finest order.
Mr Faustus seemed to take an instant dislike to Mr Snuggles. Due, primarily to what he saw as ‘the judgemental way the little bastard looks at me.’
It was in the second week of their living together that Mr Faustus had to break the news to Pete that Mr Snuggles had met with an unfortunate accident.
The accident occurred whilst Pete had been asked to go to the local shopping parade and collect a parcel of sweetmeats for Mr Faustus. During that period, Mr Faustus had decided to poison a stump that lay in their garden, just beginning to jut new spring growth. Knowing the propensity of Elder to spread, if not controlled, Mr Faustus decided to mix a small, poisonous concoction to prevent both its spread, and life. A concoction that consisted primarily of petrol mixed with certain explosive chemicals.
All mixed in that universal kitchen appliance, the liquidizer.
It seemed though that Pete’s dogs had been playing a game of ‘tug’ with Mr Snuffles. Well, one must have let go, which surprised the other to such an extent that he threw said Mr Snuggles high into the air. Mr Snuggles, heedless of his course, was ill prepared for his landing in the liquidizer.. Mr Faustus failed to notice the bear through the glass walls of the beaker and popped on the lid and turned it on. Quickly reducing it to shredded pulp.
After lighting a cigarette he wandered outside and unceremoniously dumped the contents on the Elder stump.
It was his surprise at seeing the severed head of Mr Snuggles looking up at him that caused the cigarette to fall from his mouth and onto the mixture, which duly ignited, rendering Mr Snuggles remains to ash by the time Pete had returned.
When he broke the news to Pete, Mr Faustus became so overwhelmed with grief that he temporarily lost his mind, and was oft to be found giggling in corners.
Not all was lost however, as a dejected Pete wandered about the market place of the weekend, he found a stall that sold Children’s Playthings. There, amidst various toys of pink and green, of girls and boys, lay a brand new, uncremated Mr Snuggles. Seeing it as an omen, Pete immediately purchased the bear and skipped home to show Mr Faustus the bear that had returned to his warm and loving family. A reincarnation, if you will.
Sadly, whilst holding the identical outward appearance of The first Mr Snuggles, Mr Snuggles II seemed prone to suicidal fits of depression.
Within two days Pete discovered Mr Snuggles II slowly revolving in the toilet bowl, his feet banging against the toilet seat. Mr Faustus attempted to explain to Pete that this was normal in reincarnated soft toys. That it would be best to let the bear work through it.
But the warning came too late.
Within two days of drying upon the line, Mr Snuggles II had somehow contrived to fashion the washing line into a rudimentary noose and hang himself, directly over the barbecue. Which when lit, for an impromptu sandwich of steak and onions, by Mr Faustus, caused the bear to join the first Mr Snuggles in the ash bin.
Not to be deterred, Pete decided to purchase a third Mr Snuggles, of which the market vendor assured him, he could obtain a ready supply.
Sadly Mr Snuggles III died in equal strange circumstances. Upon this occasion the result of the attentions of an over sexed rabbit that had been force fed Viagra before being accidently locked in a bread bin, who threw the well rodgered remnants on Mr Snuggles III out (after three days), straight into the waiting jaws of a carelessly placed document shredder.
Mr Snuggles IV met his end after falling from the office window, whilst on one of his occasional visits to Pete’s place of employ. Mr Faustus Consulting Investigational agency. He fell into a large boiling pot of pitch, Navvies were using to resurface the street outside the office. His presence was not noticed until too late, but which time he had become bonded to the roads very surface.
His face could still be seen gazing up from the byway.
Mr Snuggles V simply vanished one day. It was the day Faustus has spent several hours with drain rods in the back garden, trying to clear a rather difficult blockage in the sewer pipes. So, as he pointed out to Pete, he could not be held responsible for the loss of the cherished bear, having not been in the house.
The death of Mr Snuggles VI was resultant of a small accident. Initially a small accident.
Pete was receiving instruction from Mr Faustus as to the correct manner of the appropriate way to use an electrically powered circular saw. A simple task of cutting a length of board. Concentrating so hard upon achieving a straight cut, Pete failed to notice that he had placed Mr Snuggles VI upon the timber before him.
As Mr Faustus pointed out, Pete must have done this, for he had never been seen to touch the bear, in any of his incarnations. Therefore he could not be held responsible.
When the circular saw caught Mr Snuggles VI midriff, it quickly caught upon a surprisingly large metal rod that was inserted lengthways from rectal passage, as it were, into brain pan.
The best description of said metal rod that Pete was able to come up with later, after the fire brigade had left, was nail.
The striking of the metal blade against the surface of the metal ‘nail’ caused a series of small sparks. These sparks caused the interior of Mr Snuggles VI, the stuffing, to ignite. It appears that at some point in the recent past that Mr Snuggles VI had consumed a large amount of what, the fire investigators referred to as lighter fluid. Consequently Mr Snuggles VI immediately became a burning mound.
Acting swiftly, Pete scooped up Mr Snuggles VI and threw him into a nearby bucket, which contained a liquid that was labelled as ‘water’. Much to his consternation, it was at this point Pete discovered it was petrol for the self-propelling lawnmower.
The Chief Fire Officer later referred to Pete, hurling the bucket of petrol, from the workshop, and into the shrubbery, as ‘Biggest F#####g Molotov Cocktail’ he had ever seen.
To further compound the difficulty, it appears that some miscreant had hidden a large quantity of plastic explosives, buried in a shallow pit beneath the Azaleas. Under Police Interrogation Mr Faustus later stated that one of his prior lady friends may have secreted said explosives there with the thoughts of an attempt upon his life.
Mr Snuggle however was not as lucky as Mr Faustus.
Mr Snuggle was distributed over three streets. His nose was later discovered in a window box eight doors down the street.
Now, Mr Snuggles VII was permanently in residence, unless in Pete’s bed, within an airtight safe, built into the wall of Pete’s room. He had rejected Faustus’ suggestions that air holes were drilled.
Accidents of any form could occur at almost any time.
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