THE FERN FAMILY NEWSLETTER

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THE FERN FAMILY NEWSLETTER

Well, it’s been an exciting year for the Fern family, and let me tell you, we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs! My wife Isabella sends her love, as would the children, if they could tear themselves away from their video-gaming machines!

Firstly we have the big news. As you may have heard in some of the frankly disreputable national press, Isabella has been working on setting up a church here in the Cotswolds. She’s been very upset about the whole endeavour, but like me she knows that our good family and friends believe nothing of the accusations, and as we all know the poisonings were a dreadful mistake on the part of our Spanish maid, Maribella, and then upon her incarceration, the devious work of our elderly gardener, Mr. Smith. We pray that justice is duly served, and are working at getting on with our lives. We know that the fourteen unfortunate members of the congregation are enjoying the fruits of Heaven now (with the exception of Mr. Gregory, whom Isabella suspects may have been a homosexual).

In happier news, you may have heard of my promotion! Yes, the firm have recognised my hard work, and I have voyaged from lowly assistant regional district provisional supervisor to the heady realms of senior assistant regional district provisional supervisor! The modest salary increase is helping pay toward Isabella’s legal fees (as is my son Brian’s lemonade stand, and my daughter Gemma’s new 52-hour a week job at the Primark textile workshop). So we are proud to announce that we are now an executive family! Look out, Donald Trump!

Onto less important matters. Gemma got all ‘A’s on her report card this term, but it didn’t stop her from knocking over one of the drinking glasses, or from bursting into tears when we had a good laugh about it! She has a lot of growing up to do. According to her diary, Sam Walker didn’t ask her to the school dinner-dance, but took her best friend Liz Downham instead. We have always told Gemma that she shouldn’t set her sights so high.

Brian’s had a tough year, what with the school psychologists hassling him, but he’s dealing with it like a man, and we won’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to. He’s been reading a lot on biology, and his creative urges led to him ‘experimenting’ on Gemma’s cat. Boys will be boys! Unfortunately, Gemma’s increasingly selfish attitude led her into hysterics, and we had to take her to Dr. Singh to be calmed. We have grounded her for a month. Sometimes I wish our children had the ‘can-do’ spirit of the Waltons!