knowing your boundaries :: knowing yourself

Editor's Note: during the month of June, members of my Story Sessions community will be posting about what it means to pursue dreams, engage in self-care and practice active boundaries. They had free reign on what they wrote, and the topics come from my 30 Days of Prompts. I'm so excited about the wisdom these ladies will share with you, and I know you'll be inspired.

xoxo,

Elora Nicole   

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What do you believe about yourself? 

What messages and treatments are you willing to accept from people?  Because when you figure that out, you will be well on your way to knowing your boundaries.

As a general rule, you are under no obligation to anyone.  You don't owe anyone anything.

Now, of course, if you apply this in a selfish way, you'll be an ass.  But practicing this in a healthy way can bring you freedom.

You have to know yourself to know whether you are being selfish or healthy.  Yes, boundaries are the fences and gates to protect your land.  But they are also shields that protect from attacks.

Is it selfish of me to not ask my mom many questions about her life, job, or marriage?  Maybe.  But if I do, I know I'm walking onto soil littered with landmines and I don't know when I'll step on a live one.  I have to be ok with being perceived as selfish or uncaring because I am trying to heal.  But limiting my contact doesn't mean I don't try to honor and respect her.  I find safe and healthy ways to communicate.  Only you can decide if your decisions are truly coming from a place of selfishness or healthiness.

What do you feel you owe people?  What are you willing to give up for them?  

I watched this scene from Kitchen Nightmares and saw this girl putting up with abusive language, and apologizing for 'causing' it.  Boundary issues!!!  I would guess she probably feels she owes everyone a listening ear and a deference to authority above herself, which isn't healthy.

We instinctively know when things are being done to us that are wrong.  We just don't always know what to do about it, or that we can do something about it.  Knowing your boundaries empowers you.

I keep seeing the face of that girl - crying and apologizing.  Why?  Because she doesn't want to lose her job?  Or is it deeper than that?  Did her tears stem from her identity and the harm being done to it?  Her tears were indicative that something was wrong.  She needs to listen to them and stand up for herself.  She has every right to walk out and not allow herself to be talked to like that.

But on the flip side, we can't avoid everything.  Which is why it's important to know, what are you willing to put up with?  Because if you protect yourself from everything unpleasant and harmful, you may only be barricading yourself.

Boundaries are healthy.  But you have to know what they are, why you have them, and live with the awareness that people and life are messy.

If I'm not willing to have any unpleasantness in my life, I'm not going to be a very nice person to be around.  Boundaries don't mean doing what I always want to do.  But they give me a way to ask 'is this healthy'.  Sometimes truth needs to be said, and it's hard and scary.  But shaking nerves doesn't necessarily equal unhealthy.

Knowing your boundaries means you can ask if you are responding out of fear.  If you are, why?  What do you fear?  Why are you giving in?  What do you feel you owe this person that is more important than your well-being?

If you know who you are, then you can decide when to sacrifice for someone without being a doormat.  If you know that someone's attitude towards you doesn't determine your worth, then you can better withstand the careless words people fling at you, and you will know when the line has been crossed and you need to leave.

Years ago I would have been that waitress, crying and apologizing, because it was my job to not make my authorities angry.

But now I know all of that rage and hysteria absolutely says more about the angry person than the belittled one.  Setting boundaries is still a nerve-wracking experience for me.  But being able to identify what I need and why is an important step in being able to claim them.

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Caris Adel is passionate about loving people, defending the oppressed, and being a voice for justice.  She’s been married for 11 years, and with 5 kids, somehow finds the time to write about affirming the humanity at  www.carisadel.com .