In the presence of the ODD monster

My son has oppositional defiant disorder.  It is exactly what it sounds like.  It is a disorder.  It doesn’t exist within the boundaries of logic.  There is no cure, no shot, no pill.  He has been going to counseling, after two years of trying to find someone.  The counseling has helped.  He has been growing up a bit and that is a very positive thing for him.  Kids with ODD are often described as “stuck” in a stage of development other children outgrow as the terrible twos come and go.

I do, as well, parent a two year old daughter.  I deal with her meltdowns every day. 

As my son has grown, I have grown less accustomed to his temper tantrums.  He had one today, though.  He had one, and then I had one.

There is nothing cute about Mommy’s meltdowns.  Crying, reasoning, begging, praying…nothing does any good in the jaws of the beast.  I am not a child abuser, so I have to ask myself why this particular boy and I can come so close to nasty, horrible things at times.  Things that I fear would involve interventions.  I know he doesn’t hate me.  I know he loves me.  He knows I love him.  We have both come so far on our journey as parent and child.  WHY does the beast still have to interfere in our life together?

He is singing in the bathtub, even as I type.  He has no idea I am crying at the computer, wishing there were some magic solution that would undo every wrong thing I’ve ever done in my parenting, something that would bullet-proof my kids from harm at my own hands.  I fear I haven’t always been the best parent I could possibly be.  I fear that being human isn’t always good enough.  I fear that even a SuperMom could not conquer the beast that is ODD.  I fear that the beast may someday win.  I don’t know what that would mean for my child, but I fear prison, I fear what choices he would make in his anger, especially as he grows into a man.  If it is hard for me to control myself, how will he?

The other kids are playing in the backyard.  Everyone is cooling off.  We will all be okay here in a bit.  

Until the monster attacks again.