knowing your boundaries :: when I'm not you

Editor's Note: during the month of June, members of my Story Sessions community will be posting about what it means to pursue dreams, engage in self-care and practice active boundaries. They had free reign on what they wrote, and the topics come from my 30 Days of Prompts. I'm so excited about the wisdom these ladies will share with you, and I know you'll be inspired.

xoxo,

Elora Nicole

//

“What do you need right now?”

The counselor looks at me with her eyebrows raised as I started and stopped, trying to find words to a question I’d never considered. 

“I don’t….know.” Was all I could manage. 

“Okay, what do you want right now?” 

“I don’t…I don’t really know.” My cheeks turned red with frustration. This was getting ridiculous! What woman didn’t know the answer to these simple questions. How had I gotten this way? 

***

I grew up in a close knit Italian family and when I say close—I mean close—one where the needs of the family often came before the needs of anyone else.

I once heard my mom exclaim that “boundaries” were  nothing but American puritanical nonsense.

And she meant it. 

In a way it was safe. 

You automatically had a tribe to belong to, and you knew, intrinsically, that there would always be someone around. The problem was that the environment itself facilitated the idea that worrying about self was selfish, and so we all but disappeared into this giant blob called “family,” our boundaries all jelly-like, fluctuating to meet the needs of the entire organism.  

I believed that was the way it was supposed to be, that everyone lived like that. Once I left home, instead of my family, it became my husband. I structured my life around his, perpetuating the jiggly boundaries I’d learned. My husband came from a similar family and was happy to do the same, and just like that we disappeared into each other. 

When life was chaotic, I could cope well. But downtime scared me, because being alone felt like staring into an empty carton. Codependent was an understatement. 

This was self-annihilation. 

***

The first time I heard that word I gasped in shock. 

But as it’s meaning sunk in, I could see it in the very fabric of my life. In my friendships, my family, my marriage.  I’d become shapeless, letting others in and out of me at well. And oh—I put on a great show. I’d convince others I was this strong and fiery woman, but inside I was formless.  I involved myself in other’s lives because I didn’t have my own. Justice, compassion, rescuing—these became my drug of choice…anything to get the focus off of me. These were my means to hide away. 

The first thing I had to learn was how to differentiate myself from others. I had to find my skin—literally. And then I began to learn who I was, what I loved, and what I didn’t. I felt a lot like Julia Roberts in The Runaway Bride. I needed to learn what kind of eggs I liked. 

It was painful at first, because with solid boundaries, I ended up bumping into people. I had to learn what was my responsibility and what was theirs…and most importantly, that the only one I could control was… me. 

This was especially painful in my marriage. We’d been two halves, trying to make a whole, but God’s math doesn’t work like that. It’s 1+1=1. That’s the mystery of it, and the purpose—two whole people bumping into each other and learning (through a lot of patience and vulnerability) to keep choosing each other anyway. 

From there, it’s been this awkwardly terrifying journey of figuring out what I want, and what God’s placed inside of me—learning to be vulnerable in a way that’s healthy and good. I jokingly call this “my year of uncomfortable” because everything feels like wearing clothes that don’t quite fit right. But it has been worth it.   

And some days, if I’m honest, I want to go back to those jiggly boundaries, because *this* thing is hard work.  

But I have this sneaking suspicion that’s the point. 

It’s usually the hard thing that’s most worth it.

//

Alex is a writer, photographer, and wife to her husband of 8 years. She is passionate about seeing people walk in their true identities and giftings, and is herself on her own journey to this. She believes in the power of people’s stories, in living authentically, and most importantly in having fun while doing it. She writes at www.journey-to-beauty.com.