Rolling with the punches

This is the update post. The I’m still alive and functioning post. But this is far from the I have things figured out post.

 

I’m back in Seattle, couchsurfing with friends and trying to cobble together a summer. Every day feels like walking through clouds. There are moments of clarity or presence or joy, but much of the time is spent feeling adrift. Like I’m elsewhere. Or like I should be elsewhere.

My initial response is to reach out, to plan in advance, to try and carve out something solid. But this time…this time I’m just letting myself fall.

 

Not out of masochism. No, this is out of preservation. Right now, I know that nothing is going to last: I can feel it in my gut. So I’m done planning out the next few weeks, done trying to find places to stay past right now because right now is all I have. I’m done telling myself there was a reason you were sent back here because that builds expectation. I know that my greatest lesson is learning to let go of expectations, to just exist and not put pressure on things that may or may not be.

Be.

Here.

Now.

 

It’s terrifying. It’s every lesson I’ve read about in action. And for that, I’m grateful. Because there’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I sit with the lesson and live it.

Sometimes giving up power is the greatest act of strength.