How to make yourself loathsome and unwanted on Twitter in five easy steps. A guide for writers.

It’s Monday, and I’m going to complain. Not about it being Monday (I’ve reached the point in my life where I realise it’s always going to come after Sunday), but because Monday is the traditional day for moaning, and I have a pre-selected topic to whinge about.

Twitter. Ah yes, my beloved Twitter. A year ago I was tweeting about how I couldn’t figure out what was going on (‘Anything you can tweet, I can tweet . . . dumber’), but 365 days on and I’m a sold soul. It’s lovely. Not only can I meet thousands of people I would otherwise never know, but after several decades of life I’ve come to realise that 140 characters is about the right length for most conversations I really wish to have.

But the cliché says that familiarity breeds contempt, and it’s true that there are a few contemptible things with which I’ve become too familiar as an author who’s let Twitter into my life. And in the full spirit of sharing nonsense for no reason – the very heart and foundation of social media – I’m going to share these with the world.

Here they are, then: five Twitter habits that can help make you loathsome and unwanted in the Twittersphere.

Habit #1: Force us all to wade through your garage sale

(a.k.a. retweeting the entire contents of your timeline)

When I see a retweet by someone I know, I immediately think, ‘Aha, so-and-so finds something interesting enough to share,’ and perk up a touch. But, like the boy who cried ‘wolf’, simply retweeting everything you see makes all the villagers want to string you up and mercilessly whip you within an inch of your life (that’s how the children’s story went, right?). It’s the Twitter equivalent of a garage sale: most of what’s on display is as undesirable as that porcelain dolphin statue your gran got you a year ago. Nobody want’s to see that. If you want people to pay attention to your retweets, make them matter. Be selective. And throw in a thought of your own every so often.

Habit #2: Hoard the other children’s blocks, then bite them when they try to play with you

(a.k.a. not retweeting anything, or ‘favouriting’ rather than retweeting)

I suppose the name ‘Social media’ ought to be our first clue here, but Twitter is meant to be interactive. A place for sharing: like good children, playing nicely with each other’s blocks. So, while it’s annoying when someone hits the retweet button with reckless abandon and shares what ought not be shared, it’s also annoying when people don’t retweet at all. These are like the naughty children at the nursery, who hide all the blocks in their corner and punch anyone who tries to take them. These children have their play time taken away.

If something is interesting, or amusing, or meaningful, or delightfully absurd – pass it along. But, and here we come to another annoyance, don’t just ‘favourite’ it. It’s fine if you want to mark something you like, to be able to find it again later. But if it’s that interesting, share it with a retweet! Just favouriting the things you enjoy, is like walking into a room and saying ‘I know something fantastically interesting!’ then sitting down and popping in your headphones. It makes the rest of us want to throw things at you. And steal your iPod.

Do the authors of those interesting, amusing, noteworthy tweets a boost and share them with others. It will make them feel all jolly inside, and others might find those tweets as interesting as you did.

Habit #3: Jump up and down in the middle of the room, screaming

(a.k.a. animated avatars)

Listen, it’s going to be intrusive enough with your every thought about the weather, your cat and transcendental-meaning-that-can-entirely-change-my-life bursting right onto my screen at no moment’s notice, without it having to be accompanied by an icon of you digitally waving or spinning about in 3D.

Just say no to this sinister temptation. Or, if you like, go ahead an use an animated avatar, and watch your follower count fall.

Habit #4: Tweeting nothing but ‘memorable’ quotations

It appears to be a persistent Twitter rage to pass along pithy quotations to one’s followers. Well and good: quotations have their place, and it’s nice, now and then, to read one that makes you think, or that stirs up a laugh. But there seem to be myriads of users who tweet nothing but quotes, as if on binge of perpetually broadcasting that they have nothing of their own to say, but got a copy of the Yale Book of Quotations last week at a bargain price and are not afraid to use it.

This doesn’t breed the over-familiarity and contempt of the boy-who-cried-wolf scenario; it’s more like trying to talk with a group of friends, with one who just keeps quoting all the best lines from the film he saw last weekend. Be honest: you hate that friend. You and your other friends stop inviting him out to the pub with you, and when he shows up anyway, you all suddenly remember that you’ve left something burning on the cooker at home, or have suddenly developed intestinal problems.

Please, by all means, give us a quotation - now and then. But then get back to the really important stuff, like tweeting the temperature of your coffee or the solution to the global financial crisis that you worked out last night in the tub.

Habit #5: Tweet your 6,550 essential tips on becoming a published writer

Let’s face it, if you have the time to tweet forty times a day with your expert advice on becoming a bestselling published author, you’re probably not a bestselling published author. And if your target audience really needed to know that ‘A title helps your reader know what your book contains’, or that ‘plot is essential to a strong story’ (and, lest you suspect otherwise, these are two genuine bits of ‘advice’ I’ve spotted on the timeline), then they’re never going to be published authors either, no matter how often you bloviate your expertise.

I admit, I interact chiefly with the literary side of twitter: authors, readers, writers, devotees. And there’s going to be some of this going about (and, like anything else, it’s generally the case that a little bit is nice), but let’s take a moment to realise, collectively, that in excess it is just eye-gougingly annoying. And in an environment where even the phrase ‘Snippets of advice can never authentically communicate the passion and drive which stand at the heart of all powerful and expressive writings’ is too long to share in a tweet, there’s likely a better use of your time.