Q&A: How can I get my partner to help?

I know my son needs to run around outside more in order to get to sleep earlier. I would like my husband to be the one to do it when he gets home from works so I can get dinner cooked and have some space after a long day of parenting and before the evening routine. How can I get my husband to understand that I need him to help me?



This is a big question. One that A LOT of people ask themselves (and me) on a regular basis. I wish I had a magic answer, and I kind of do, but it’s not what most women want to hear. But, I’ll save that for later.

For now, chew on this…

A wise woman once said to me,

“E = D”

I said, “what does that mean?”

and she said, “Expectations = Disappointment”

She was saying this specifically with regards to her partner. She realized early on in their marriage, but after 10 years of being together, that every time she had an expectation of how something “should” be with regards to him and his behavior she would almost always end up feeling disappointed. The expectation was the problem. When she let go of having expectations, she felt way less disappointed.

Yes, it’s logically reasonable for you to want things to be different then they are. It’s logically reasonable for you to feel like he should pick up the slack and do things the way you suggest. And, he’s clearly not choosing to do that. I can imagine that it feels CRAZY MAKING! You have a sense of what your son needs and you want some help from your husband in giving it to him. And, that’s just not what’s happening. I am so sorry. I definitely feel for you.

If you are really asking me and you really want things to shift around the house, take a LONG-TERM approach.

Keep up the self-care. It sounds like you are doing a really good job with that. Keep it up. Add in more. Do what you need to do to feel like your life is really awesome and you are living in gratitude for all that is.

Start communicating a minimum of 5 things you are appreciating about your husband every day. Appreciate how he is parenting. Focus on what is working.

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Give him more of what he is wanting and trust that in doing so you will get more of what you are wanting. In my experience most married women would like their husbands to be more helpful around the house and in the parenting realm AND most married men would like more physical affection and sex with their wives. (Check out a blog post here about how to reignite that loving feeling.) I have seen amazing and astounding turn arounds when women offer their partners more of what they are wanting in the relationship. Dads suddenly start becoming way more attentive and invested in their roles.

It’s not always what women want to hear but it is true. Men need sex to feel good and balanced. Women need help and emotional attunement to feel good and balanced. It’s physiological and evolutionary. Use love and care to your advantage.

Ask for more of what you want when you are in a really positive brain state, “I LOVE watching you play with our son outside!” “Thank you for being such an amazing dad!” “I love that we are working together as a team, it feels so good.” Instead of “I really need you to help me here,” or “I can’t do this all on my own.” The tone of the latter statements is a repellent because it suggests that they are doing it wrong.

Find a way to ask for what you need when you are in a state of gratitude. Invite him to be your hero! Most men love to help women when they feel like they can be the hero.

Give all of that a shot and see what happens. My guess is that he does want to help you a lot more than you sense and he just wasn’t feeling well as you pointed out in your note. Let everyone get back on track, load yourself up on self-care, load him up on the appreciations and see what starts to unfold.