The List of One

Vincent Truman

As I’m approaching the beginning of the rehearsal process for “Killing Angela”, my sixth full-length play to be produced, I’ve tried to take some time and ruminate over the lessons I’ve learned during previous productions and the goals I have for this and future productions. A few times, I have snuck away into some obscure corner of my world, pad of paper and favorite pen at the ready, determined to rip through a list of lessons and goals, creating an immensely slick flowchart for personal and artistic success. My list is as follows:

1. Stay in the pocket.

And that’s it.

When I think of my last production, “Venus Envy”, my conclusion is that it was a good, small little script beaten to shreds by the fact I could not stay in the pocket. And what pulled me out of the pocket each time was a desire to be liked and respected. What I missed completely is that, by evacuating the pocket to make nice-nice, I was doing it with artists who neither liked nor respected me or the piece to begin with, so it was a losing battle. In full-circle fashion, my compromises led to the work itself being compromised. I do not blame any of the artists as much as I blame myself for being suckered into playing games instead of attending to the work.

For instance, there was a rumor I wanted to have a three-way with one of the artists and her girlfriend. Utter bullshit. But, because I didn’t call anyone on it at the time, choosing instead to take the high road, the rumor was never quashed. So when, months later, I saw said artist and said girlfriend, the latter backed away from a friendly hug and extended her hand for an awkward handshake, as if I was some predator. What I should have done was confronted them both at the time and had done with it. Instead, it plagued my mind for longer than it deserved (which, in my estimation, would be more than ten seconds).

In another instance, one of the artists asked me, if she were single, would I go out with her. I shrugged up a harmless “yes”, but that was a mistake. Instead, I should have said, “That’s an inappropriate question to ask your director, especially out of earshot of your husband.” But, again, I tried for the Like and Respect Thing, and, again, that question alone proved there was little like or respect to be had.

And of course, during the rehearsal process, the most popular topic of conversation was how many auditions and other shows folks were involved in. I suppose this is a big actor trait (and one of the main reasons I refuse to call myself an actor), and I admit it grated. Again, I said nothing, letting conversations spill and rumble at will. What I should have done is stop that shit cold and say, “When you go on dates, do you talk to your date about how many dates you have lined up? Shut the fuck up and focus on the material you have in front of you.”

I would be remiss if I didn’t include myself in the grievances, as nothing happens in a vaccuum. At the time, I was a handful of months out from my divorce and was acutely aware of my missing partner during this time. I missed having someone in my corner. So I lost great amounts of my spine in order to try and get some someones in my corner.

I won’t make any of these mistakes again going forward, either in my professional or personal life. The List of One will sustain.

1. Stay in the pocket.