What I Plan To Say In Case I Run Into Any Celebrities When I am in Southern California Next Month

Jim Carrey

So, I guess there’s not going to be any more Lemony Snicket movies, then, eh? No, I’m not blaming you. It wasn’t your fault. Not really. I mean, maybe a little.

Robin Williams

Nanoo-nanoo.

Bar Rafaeli

Did you ever see that one episode of “Seinfeld,” where they talked about that list of people you could sleep with and your spouse couldn’t hold it against you?

Justin Bieber

My kids don’t know who you are, and I’d like to keep it that way as long as possible, bucco.

Eric Bana

I really, really liked you as the Hulk. Much better than anyone else who’s played the character.

Christoph Weitz

So, you’re in charge of security for this little theater in Paris, where Hitler and Goebbels are going to be, and you don’t notice the huge big pile of highly flammable film stock behind the screen?

Edward Norton

Just between you and me, I thought you were the best of the recent Hulks. I thought you really captured the spirit of scientific inquiry.

Brooklyn Decker

Did you ever see that one episode of “Seinfeld,” where they talked about that list of people you could sleep with and your spouse couldn’t hold it against you?

Kevin Bacon

You don’t know me, but I once met Charlton Heston at this Republican fund-raiser, and he was in “Midway” with Robert Wagner, who was in “Wild Things” with you. Great flick, by the way.

Quentin Tarantino

Really? Hans Landa doesn’t notice that huge big pile of flammable film stock in a huge pile behind the screen?

Adam Sandler

All I’m saying is, do one more movie like “Punch-Drunk Love,” and I’ll forgive you if you do a “Waterboy” sequel.

Brad Pitt

Okay, I figure you would know this one. There’s a Chanel Number Five, right? So what happened to Chanel Number Four?

Tom Hanks

All I’m saying is that there’s no way that a Nazi colonel in charge of security for Hitler visiting Paris would miss a great big huge pile of flammable film behind the screen. He’d have to be an idiot.

Mark Ruffalo

No doubt, man. Best Hulk ever. You nailed it. Congratulations.

Kate Upton

Hi. Um. well. Hi. I just think that… wow, this is awkward. Hi.