Five steps to build loving relationships in your church

Does your church need some remodeling? I don't mean the building, but the people. Here are some of Paul's instructions on how to renovate the relationships among your church family members.
1. Tear down before you try to build
The first part of any construction project is demolishing and tearing down, and inasmuch as our lives as Christ-followers is a work in progress, we too must tear down before we can build back up. In Ephesians 2 Paul reminds the church that in Christ God has demolished every barrier sin has put between God and humans as well as every barrier we humans have wrongfully built up between each other (e.g. race, gender, social status, etc.). Christ has brought peace to the world by tearing down these barriers. How could he bring peace to your life or your church’s life when you refuse to tear down hostile barriers? Before Paul discusses specific behaviors he first gives the basic instruction in Ephesians 4:20-24 to put off our former ways of living in order to make room to put on Christ's new righteous way of living.
2. Be honest, but not angry
The first specific behavior Paul mentions in Ephesians 4 is lying. He says, “each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Eph 4:25). We must stop lying to each other and start speaking truthfully. I doubt many churches are filled with people speaking lies to each other, but falsehood takes hold in other ways. Like Israel’s response to the prophet Malachi, we might ask “When? When have we lied to each other?” We lie to each other when we refuse to be vulnerable and let others bear our burdens. We especially lie to each other when we pretend we have no burdens to bear or when we tell ourselves it is good not to be a burden to others. We lie to each other when we fail to confess our sins. We lie to each other when we fail to say out loud, “Jesus loves you” and “God forgives you.” We lie to each other when we wrongly think and act as if our behavior will neither help nor hurt our church, which Paul reminds us is just one body with many members—including you and me.
Of course, one reason people refuse to speak truthfully to each other is that tensions can rise and give way to anger. Paul knows this tendency and immediately says, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Eph 4:26-27). Anger whispers in our ear that we have been wronged and deserve an apology. Anger ensures that we forget how to forgive each other. Anger spreads like wildfire as we badmouth each other to anyone and everyone who will hear us. And, according to Paul, the devil does not need much to gain a foothold. It just takes him one evening. That’s it. Fallen people in a fallen world have a tendency to get angry at each other, and Paul knows that. He assumes there will be anger among church members, so his instruction is to not sin in our anger and not to let it fester for very long—not even one single day.
3. Do not steal, but be generous
The next thing Paul says is, “Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need” (Eph 4:28). Like lying, once again we may ask ourselves, “When? When have we been stealing?” If worship is about what we bring rather than what we can get, perhaps we have several thieves in our churches. Thieves take what is not theirs. Thieves never bring anything of their own to share at the table. While our churches hopefully do not have people lifting church property or embezzling church funds, might we have thieves in our midst? Do we have people who do not even bring themselves to us in worship or anything else for that matter? Do we have people who come to worship with us, but bring nothing of their own, whether its nothing in their hearts, no joy, no energy, no singing, no compassion, no kindness, no forgiveness, and (okay, I’ll mention it) no financial gifts. Even worse, do we have people who are wrongfully taking what is not theirs? Are there people who wrongfully intimidate or quench others who wish to bring joy, energy, song, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, and encouragement to our church bodies?
Paul tells thieves to stop stealing, but not to stop there. In God’s economy it is not enough merely to take care of yourself and leave everyone else alone. Instead of stealing, former thieves must do something useful with themselves for the purpose of sharing with those in need. What does your community need? Does it need encouragement? Do something useful with yourself for the purpose of encouraging those who need encouragement. Does it need joy? Does it need forgiveness? Does it need compassion? You get the point. Instead of being a den of thieves, our churches are to be generous bodies that work hard to share with those in need around them. Christ claims that we will find him in the least among us—the very people in need.
4. Stop trash-talking, so you can build others up with what you say
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Paul was not concerned here with ensuring that all of us avoid using colorful words that might make our grandmothers blush. What really matters here is rotten, unwholesome, bad speech; the kind of talk that wipes smiles right of people’s faces. The kind of talk that mimics what everyone else outside the church likes to say, putting our trust in pleasure, money, politics, and so on. The kind of talk that might as well begin with phrases such as, “there is no God”; “God does not love you”; “there is no salvation”; “there is no grace”; and that most dubious of all extra-biblical sayings, “God helps those who help themselves.”
Just like stealing, it is not enough merely to avoid saying unwholesome things. Paul reminds us that speech is a gift God shares with us for the benefit of the listener, not ourselves. We must purposely look for ways to build up others with what we say and how we say it. Paul links our approach to speech with how well or how poorly we grieve the Holy Spirit. Paul links our approach to speech with how much bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, and malice (wishing ill on others) influence our individual lives and our life together as churches. Paul links our approach to speech with our expressions of kindness, compassion, and forgiveness to one another.
If you want kind, compassionate, and forgiving churches, it all starts with what comes out of people’s mouths. But it does not end there either.
5. Follow God’s example with your actions
“Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Eph 5:1-2). There are many reasons why it was fitting that God sent his Son to take on our human nature and live among us, and one of them is to provide us an example so we can do as God does, not just as he says. Jesus was morally upright, morally pure, and humble instead of greedy. As his people, we are called to put on Christ and do the same by following his example. We must be careful how we live and be filled with the Holy Spirit, which will overflow out of us by way of our uncontrollable desire to speak “to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Eph 5:19-20). Spirit-filled people are joyful people. Spirit-filled people are thankful people. Spirit-filled people come together to form Spirit-filled churches. Let there be no doubt, Spirit-filled churches will be marked by loving relationships.