Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Wreck- ing Ball

1. Nicky Burkett is a disturbed young man who destroys everyone who crosses his path. Which is why the other 3rd-graders call him . . . Wrecking Ball.

2. For years, the City Museum's annual Soirée has been the social event of the season. But all that changes when renegade socialite Lydia Thomas includes seventeen pounds of C4 explosives in the Piñata.

3. Wrecking ball swing. Wrecking ball SMASH! Wrecking ball swing again. Not like to swing. Swing am boring. But then, SMASH!!! Smash am good. Wrecking ball happy.

4. The annual formal dance for the Wrecker's Union becomes the site of a heinous murder when its president is found chained upside down and inside out to the 2007 prototype in the parking lot.

5. Tired of her so-called friend's zany, annoying antics, Ethel sets out to destroy Lucy--once and for all.

6. All is well in Acme Labs until scientists discover the new self-bouncing rubber-ball pet toy they made is indestructible, unstoppable, and loose in the halls.


Original Version

Agent X:

I read in your listing on Publishers Marketplace that you specialize in mysteries. You may be interested in my novel WRECKING BALL. I would like to invite you to review the manuscript and consider representing me.

Every year, third-grade teacher Julia Morris gives each of her students a business card printed with the following message: "Call me if you need help and you have nowhere else to turn. [By which I mean, if you've exhausted all legal, psychiatric, and criminal means of solving your pathetic little problems.]" Julia's fellow teachers have dubbed her "Saint Julia" because of her pathological need to rescue every lost soul she meets. [She's teaching third-graders. Don't you have to be at least ten before you can be declared a lost soul?] Over the years, Julia has helped her students through innumerable crises. Unfortunately, Julia's attempts to help one troubled student, Nicky Burkett, only seemed to accelerate his descent into a life of petty crime and drug abuse.  [Which is why Nicky has dubbed her "Wrecking Ball."]  Nicky grows into a disturbed young man seemingly intent on destroying himself and everyone who crosses his path, thereby earning him the nickname "Wrecking Ball." [Or perhaps he gets the nickname because he weighs 340 pounds, and resembles a wrecking ball.] [Maybe he became a disturbed young man because everyone called him Wrecking Ball. Didja ever think of that?]

Eleven years after leaving Julia's class, Nicky shows up on Julia's doorstep begging for sanctuary. [Luckily, he still has her business card after eleven years, and she hasn't moved.] He claims that someone is trying to kill him, but refuses to identify who. [If you're 20 years old and a killer is after you, I don't think it would occur to you that your 3rd-grade teacher is the answer to your problems, especially when her previous attempts to help you accelerated your descent into a life of petty crime and drug abuse.] Still plagued with guilt for having failed Nicky when he was her student, Julia promises to do everything in her power to keep him safe. Nevertheless, [she fails him even more miserably this time, as] within forty-eight hours he is dead. The police declare Nicky's death an accidental overdose, but Julia is convinced he was murdered. [Did he spend that 48 hours in her house? If so, what did he supposedly OD on? And if not, what was she doing to keep him safe?]

Julia sets out to find Nicky's killer. To aid in her investigation, she draws upon her vast network of former students, whose specialties include forensic science, computers, and surveillance. [Evil Editor senses a series. Next book, Julia calls upon former students who are now a trapeze artist, a backhoe operator, and a lifeguard. She doesn't really need the lifeguard to solve the case, but a little eye candy never hurts.] Julia's sleuthing uncovers several key suspects. Was it the grieving father who blames Nicky for his daughter's death? Or the wannabe crime lord whom Nicky swindled? Or was it someone closer to Julia--someone whose life Nicky wrecked years earlier as a troubled third grader? [I'd eliminate the crime lord. If a crime lord is after you, you're more likely to seek protection from Saint Roscoe than Saint Julia.] [I don't think it was any of them. It's a trick question. The actual killer was Mr. Green in the lounge with the rope.] [Here's the trouble with Clue. It shouldn't require a bunch of interrogations of suspects to determine whether a murder was committed with a rope, a revolver, or a knife. Just look at the corpse, idiots.]

WRECKING BALL is an amateur-sleuth mystery complete at 80,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon request. I've enclosed an SASE for your reply. Thank you.

Sincerely,


Notes

One could argue that it would be better if Julia taught at the high school. I can see a third-grade teacher staying in touch with a student as long as he's at the same school, but once he moves on to the junior high and the high school, they're not as likely to have contact. Plus, her vast network of former students are more likely to remember her if she taught them in the past ten years rather than 20 or 30 years ago.

The first plot paragraph makes the book sound more like literary fiction than a mystery. If you start the query with Nicky showing up at Julia's door holding her business card in his hand, you have a better hook. In fact, starting the book there isn't a bad idea, either.


Selected Comments

Cheryl Mills said...If I could find my third-grade teacher, I'd hug her neck. Ms. Mulroy, are you out there? I don't think it matters how long ago you had a great teacher, you never forget them. Especially if you're a wrecking ball, and this was the one and only person who believed in you.

But yeah, I think third grade is a bit early for a descent into petty crime and drug abuse. Sixth grade, at least.


Anonymous said...This sounds like an interesting premise. I was a little wary about the teacher's saintly goodness (urgh!) but if the feel of the novel is more like one of those quaint English village/Miss Marple mysteries than scary inner city gang war stuff, it sounds promising.


River Falls said...Third grade sounds kind of...silly. (Makes me wonder if the author chose third grade because something traumatic happened to him/her that same year.) High school or even middle school would be more believable.


Nessie said...the thing with high school is that there are TOO many students. Thus I vote for sixth. Unfortunately I remember all to well that there were lost souls in elementary school as early as 11 ...


pacatrue said...I'm worried that the third graders can't keep hold of a business card through more than one recess.


bunnygirl said...Based on the query alone, I'm skeptical of the premise of a third grade teacher being that significant in a person's life. And I'm baffled how a third-grader could ruin someone else's life unless they set a house on fire or something.

If it were my story, I'd probably go with a middle school teacher. There are few things on earth more wantonly cruel than thirteen year-olds, and a kind teacher can have a huge impact on this age group.

But perhaps it all makes sense in the context of the novel.


Anonymous said...My fourth-grade teacher became my stepmother a few years later. Now, 25 years after that, she is attending weddings of her other 4th grade students (not my year), even all the way across the country. Some teachers do have that kind of influence on their students, especially teachers that stay in one school or district for 30+ years.


Minion #1555 said...I have to agree with His Evilness. Third grade is a little hard to remember. I had an awsome third grade teacher, but when I saw her again in high school talking to her was just plain awkward.