Edit Fest – In a Hard Place

I think I’ve probably reached that point in the journey of a struggling writer that might be one of the hardest to deal with. In the beginning, writing was all about fun – with wild ideas of getting published someday (and making money from it), a lot of output with not much to show for it, a sense that all of it is pretty much a silly unachievable dream and for the most part making a game of everything. Then somebody that I didn’t know very well took an interest in my writing – several people, actually – and I got my first story sale at semi-pro rates. Suddenly, I felt like I had a real chance.

It wasn’t long before the first small press novel contract came along, then another and another, and more story sales. Suddenly it wasn’t funny or silly anymore. I was published. I had sales … not enough to throw a party, but enough to justify my efforts somewhat. The semi-pro sales have added up, I’ve had a few maybes from pro-rate venues (although no yeses yet), and some of the fun has become work: careful editing, promotion, the whole submission process, and more.

But I kind of feel like I’m teetering on a point. My confidence is building, but not enough to support me on its own, and not enough to convince me that I’m not deluding myself, that I can hope for something more. For all the people I know who have encouraged me, I’ve had more than as many kick me in the face – metaphorically speaking. I have no agent, no big publisher contract and no pro-rate sale…nothing solid that can allow me to say “look – here’s proof.” Maybe all I’ll ever be is a wanna-be and that’s a tough notion to swallow. It’s hard to push for the surface when one day you feel like a fighter and the next you feel like a fake.

Submission blitz update – another rejection, this one from the podcast I was hesitant to submit to. The good news is that this time their critique was directed at the story and not a personal attack. However, while I’m pleased it wasn’t a form letter or an insult, I’m disappointed by the fact that I didn’t merit a proofread, with an obvious typo in the middle of a very short letter. Also, based on the comments, I doubt I’ll ever have anything of mine they’ll find acceptable. The few negatives they listed suggest my type of story just isn’t their cup of tea. I may try them again the next time I blitz – we’ll see.