If You See Me Sweating Like Sweet Onions, Here’s Why…

I’m not much of a dress-up girl. I mean, I like a cute outfit as much as the next person. But my kind of cute comes in the form of a classy top, stylin’ necklace, jeans and wedges.

Which is not appropriate for a black tie event.

Which is where I’m supposed to be going this weekend. The K-LOVE Fan Awards. I say supposed to because I’ve hit a slight snafu with my attire.

So, I have a long dress. It’s gathered in the right places for maximum hiding of the baby bump that contains nary a child. Please read that last sentence carefully and completely, lest we start some sort of internet rumor mill.

I do not need that happening. No, because I have enough drama happening over this crazy dress situation.

My drama is that I just tried on my outfit in its entirety. And you can…

Hold on for just one moment while I gather myself.

You can…

See…

My…

SPANX!

And I’m guessing if you can see one is wearing Spanx, it sort of defeats the whole game we play since the invention of said wonder wear.

I’m all like, cellulite, what’s that?

All the while dreaming of getting back to my room where I can get this unrealistically tight mess off me. And put on my exercise pants. And sport my cellulite with pride. And reinstate my desire to actually breathe.

But oh my glory heavens, the dress reveals all my secrets. It has a slight slit. That I didn’t notice before. A slit that goes up to my knee. And my Spanx knockoff ends just below the knee.

I can hear you now. You’re all like, they make Spanx in different lengths.

That’s awesome if you don’t have some funky fear of the unmentionables department where you find said Spanx knockoffs.

When I have to buy this * stuff * I go to the Target and totally case out the whole situation to make sure no peoples are coming. And my Target is busy. So this is no easy task.

Then from across the aisle, I eye the item I need.

Hold my breath.

Dash over.

Sweat like sweet onions in a collard field whilst furiously trying to find my size.

Grab it and run back to the safety of my cart stashed in the shoe department. And hide said unmentionable underneath everything else in my cart.

But that’s not even the worst, worst part.

I grew up in the day of the Kmart blue light special where they announced if what you’re buying is on sale. So. EVERY. TIME. I. CHECK. OUT. WITH. * STUFF * I have blue light special ANXIETY.

And y’all know Target doesn’t have the blue light. But still. They do price check sometimes. “Hello Target shoppers. Unmentionables are being purchased right now on aisle 2 and we need a price check.” I would melt into a puddle of pure death by shame.

Kill me now.

Part of me just wants to safety pin that dumb dress slit and call it a day. But I’m presenting an award on the big stage and getting to meet the Duck Dynasty people.

Which in reflecting on the whole situation might be the perfect people to meet whilst wearing a dress with a safety pin. Or I guess I could color said Spanx with a camouflage design and call it a redneck fashion statement.

Just thought I’d update y’all on the world according to Lysa on this fine Friday.

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