Categorising Negative Reviews
Having now been the victim recipient of a number of negative reviews (as well as a swag of good ones, thank the FSM!) I’m beginning to see a pattern emerging. There are some people who just don’t like your book, they find genuine weaknesses in its premise or execution and feel it is their civic duty to warn other people not to waste their money. With these readers, I have no problem at all. I admit I am a flawed human being and perfection is not achievable by one such as I. My only hope is that I can learn from the mistakes these reviewers reveal.
However, other negative reviews seem to be more about the reader than about the book. I believe I can categorise these self-revelatory negative reviews into four basic types. In case you are considering writing one of these, hopefully not for any of my books, you might like to consider which type you are crafting and what it actually says about you.
Here is my list:
The Admission of Stupidity
This one goes, roughly, “I couldn’t understand a word of it. I read about three paragraphs of it before I gave up in disgust. This just didn’t make any sense at all.”
Basically, the reviewer is saying, “I am a moron. I normally only read children’s books and the sports sections of tabloid newspapers. I got this book from a torrent site and thought I’d give it a go, but it was too hard for me. This makes me angry because the author ought to know how stupid I am and only write books that I can understand.”
L’Art Pour l’Art
This one goes, “I don’t normally read science fiction but a friend recommended this book so I gave it a go. Sadly, it reminded me of all the reasons I don’t read this genre. The author’s fixation with action at the expense of deep character development left me rather bored and I found the lack of poetry in the language gave the whole work a sterile, almost utilitarian feel.”
What they really mean is, “I am an Oscar Wilde wannabe who normally only reads Man Booker Prize winners, but I have condescended to read this genre rubbish because sometimes I have an insatiable craving for something that actually excites and entertains me. However, having sated this ugly, primitive urge, I can now return to my normal pose of aloof elitism.”
The Fundamentalist Jihad
Here’s an interesting one. It goes, “I read this book and really enjoyed it. It was pacey and exciting and everything you’d want from a sci-fi thriller. However, this author clearly hates Christians, so I’m giving it one star.”
What they really mean to say is, “I am a deeply insecure person and my delicate ego is propped up only by my desperate belief that there is a magical being somewhere who thinks I have some value, even though I actually hate myself. My whole existence depends on keeping this fragile belief system going, so much so that I can’t even bear to hear my magical being criticised by a character in a work of fiction (unless that character dies a horrible and painful death). So, since my power in this world is limited to giving one-star reviews, that will be my weapon against all who blaspheme.”
The Total Whack-Job
One of my favourites. This one goes, “Not even good High Fantasy. Where were the werewolves? Even though the science of time travel is a mature field, it doesn’t explain anything about how shooting your own grandfather creates the space-time continuum!”
The words this poor reviewer is struggling for are these, “I forgot to take my meds yesterday. What do you mean, ‘Put the knife down?’ Do you know you have a very interesting aura?”
Perhaps you have other categories you would like to add. Please feel free to mention them in the comments below.
