What I learned about myself this week.

Somehow, in the last year or so, I’ve become a major fashion whore. Despite working at home – where no one ever sees me – unless you count fish, a pair of parakeets and an ugly, yet somehow super cute dog (pictured above) – I’ve become more and more obsessed with shopping. Don’t get me wrong. I’m can’t afford big benders, but I look. Boy, do I look.

Online shopping has been my vice lately. More so, being a plus size girl who feels limited by Lane Bryant and Torrid in the US, I’ve branched out and looked at several UK based companies, like Asos and SimplyBe (love their stuff!) If I didn’t have three children and a sense of responsibility, my wardrobe would be amazing, regardless of my size.

Most recently, I discovered that I’m slowly but surely becoming obsessed with shoes. While I would kill for a pair of red-bottomed Louboutins, or sexy yellow pumps from Saint Laurent, they are WAY out of my budget. So, I’ve been browsing places like Just Fab, where when you snag the shoes during a B1G1 promo deal, you’re paying $20 for some super nice shoes.

Beyond mentally shopping online – I say mentally because while I’ve created a wish list almost everywhere, I’ve splurged on all of 2 pairs of B1G1 shoes from Just Fab and 2 clearance jeans that I’ve been dying to arrive from SimplyBe for over a week… – I’ve been looking into body wraps and detoxes. Don’t get me wrong. I’m comfortable with my excess sexiness, but I’ve been getting sick so often lately, plus all the meds and traveling, I’m feeling like I need a cleanse of some sort. There is no point in loving your body the way it is unless you feel good loving it. And I don’t feel so hot lately.

So, while lying in bed, being supervised by my adorably ugly pooch, I’ve been reading reviews, bumping through some rather humorous sites with horror stories on body wraps and cleanses. (Here is a link to one of my faves...though she’s not plus size.) While reading those entertaining bits, I came across a place that does body wraps and spray tans, because apparently when you lose inches, you want to top it off with a spray tan to emphasize your new now-toned physique.

In case you didn’t know, I’m a white girl. I’m not talking Caucasian white; I’m talking my-legs-could-pass-as-ghosts white. As a result, every lump of cottage cheese shows. I’ve gotten used to it. But lately, I have been thinking more and more about a spray tan. (The machine one, not the one where you have to strip and show some poor stranger your personal bits.) It is true that they do make you look thinner and more toned somehow…

That got me thinking about Plus Size models. Every plus size model I’ve seen is miraculously plus size and toned. They have curves but flat, never-been-preggo bellies and thick thighs that are smoother than a baby’s bottom. And, somehow, I have to envision every outfit the model fashions on real me, who definitely doesn’t have a flat tummy, has more hip than Texas and nothing sleek about her. Top it off with the fact that I have whale arms (most shirts that fit my bust, waist and hips are tight on my arms) and there is something slightly depressing about shopping online. It doesn’t stop the rush of adrenaline from clicking the ‘Add to Wish List’ or, even better, the ‘Check Out’ button. Coincidentally, it also doesn’t prevent allegations brought against you if you so happen to stalk your mailman…

So, what have I learned in my week of sickness? That if I had Ivanka Trump’s bank account, I’d be a plus size fashion queen with a closet full of shoes and a perpetual spray tan. While on one hand I want to rejoice in my fatshionista attitude, on the other hand, I open my closet and get royally depressed at the dim selection. I own a handful of Capri sweats, a good 10 pair of Forever 21 plus leggings – the cheap ones, and a gazillion tanks, most of which I’ve owned since I was pregnant the last time, and a handful of maxi skirts. I have a set set of silver jewelry to wear and a set set of gold jewelry to wear; one purse for brown based outfits and one for black based outfits. I’m really rather boring, though I’ve ensured my boring is still flattering. And while I dream of walking around in sexy high heels, the truth is, I’m not cut out for them. My feet start screaming 60 seconds in. So, alas, I have the basic borings with… flip-flops. When I receive my shoes from Just Fab though, I’ll have some cute flat sandals instead of basic brown flip-flops. (Where is that mailman?)

Progress! It’s all about progress. And I’m optimistic that one day I’ll be the fatshionista I envision myself to be. Until then, don’t be surprised when you see me in sweats, leggings or a maxi skirt and a tank… Because as much as I hate my arms, it’s just too darn hot to cover them up! I’m in Florida after all…

I hope you’re keeping cool, wherever you are.

~ Christin