The Tragedy(?) of Troy

IndiFiction Workshop is an initiative to help Indian Fiction Writers hone their style. This idea is the brainchild of 'The Fool' who blogs at http://luciferhouseinc.blogspot.in and C. Suresh who blogs at http://jambudweepam.blogspot.in/, both of them need no further introduction other than their names. The workshop in general follows certain rules. Everyone has to tell the story using their own narrative style based on a given plot. Different narrative styles are evaluated by fellow participants and judges. 

The plot for this exercise can be found here. You can read my entry here as well. All comments and critiques are welcome.

Hector: Paris! Come here. I have found a thief hiding in our ship. 




Helen: What the heck? I’m no thief! Paris, baby! Tell this bulky dork who I am.




Paris: Oh, Hector. She is no thief. She is the greatest pastor I’ve ever known!




Hector: She is a pastor?




Helen: I am a pastor?




Paris: Pastor? Oh no! I mean pistor. She baked the bread in the royal dinner last night you see!




Hector: So you are a royal cook! What are you doing here on my ship?




Helen: Cook? How dare you call me a cook? Paris!




Paris: How dare you call her a cook, bro?




Hector: You just said that!




Paris: I said pistor. Anyway she is Helen. Menelaus’s wife.




Hector: Menelaus’s wife? Have you completely lost it brother? You are kidnapping Menelaus’s wife?




Helen: Hello mister! Nobody’s kidnapping me ok? I am coming on my own. Don’t worry; I have left Menelaus a message on Facebook. Don’t act so frustrated now. I like your brother, he likes me. What’s your problem in that?




Hector: What’s my problem? It’s just that we came here for a peace treaty between Troy and Sparta. You fools just ruined it.




Paris: Chill bro! Can’t you see how beautiful she is? How could I leave her there in that love less palace?




Hector: And now you are bringing our doom with us to Troy. Do whatever you want to do. We all are going to die for you.




Paris(whispers): See I told you it won’t be too difficult. After all who wouldn’t like you? You are so beautiful!




Helen: I know right!




***




Agamemnon: What an absolute shame brother. You did the right thing coming to me. Let’s attack Troy and show them who the boss is.




Menelaus: Don’t look so excited please. I know how enthusiastic you are about battles, but I heard their walls are unbreakable.




Agamemnon: Do I see fear in your eyes? Don’t you know who I am? I am the emperor of the mighty Greece. We can crush them. And you will get your wife back.




Menelaus: Why! You are right of course. I will get my Helen back. Oh what fun it will be. We can certainly crush the cursed Trojans into dust. We have Achilles after all.




Agamemnon: If only that idiot will fight. The joker is only obsessed about what the media is writing about him. Typical celebrity syndrome, if you ask me. Menelaus, go convince Odysseus, the king of Ithaca, to go convince Achilles for this battle. We have no hope without him.




***




Odysseus: Achilles!




Patroclus: Hiya lord Odysseus. What a pleasure! I am Patroclus. Achilles’s cousin.




Odysseus: I thought you were Achilles. You are dressed exactly like him.




Achilles: Never mind him Odysseus. He is just obsessed with me. I don’t blame him though. I mean who wouldn’t? After all not everyone is lucky to be blessed with a cousin as popular as myself right?




Odysseus: Right! Now if you would listen to me I am carrying a message from king Agamemnon.




Achilles: Ha! What does he want now? Didn’t I tell him that I won’t fight for his goals?




Odysseus: Didn’t you hear about what happened to Helen? The Trojans kidnapped her! So Menelaus seeks revenge. Agamemnon’s just helping him. Don’t you think you should help poor Menelaus get his wife back?




Achilles: Pfft! Revenge my foot. All that power thirsty animal cares for is to bring down the Trojans too. Menelaus’s wife is just the excuse he needed. But you know what, I have a feeling that this one’s going to be an epic battle, you know the kind poets write about when they want to be famous?




Odysseus: It’s going to be a tough one for sure. Poseidon himself built the wall around the city of Troy. It is believed to be indestructible.




Achilles: You make interesting points. Sure you know what tickles me. Off you go Odysseus. Inform your boss that I will join his team but not as one of his troop. I will bring my own men. Only this will ensure me the amount of papyrus I crave for.




Patroclus: Why do you need so much papyrus Achilles? Is the water poisoned there? Are we all going to get upset stomachs?




Achilles (Bangs his forehead): Go to your room now and keep quiet if you don’t want me to snatch the “No. 1 Fan of Achilles” trophy from you.




***




Achilles (Stretching on the deck of his ship): I don’t see anybody Eudorus. Are you sure the captain brought us to the right place? You know I don’t blame him; he’s kind of ancient.




Eudorus: I am pretty sure this is the right place. But Agamemnon won’t arrive for another day at least. He tweeted so. The rowers of his ships are as pathetic as their king.




Achilles: Hmm. Hey Eudorus, what’s that structure ahead? Looks like some kind of tourist spot. Why don’t we make an appearance there? It could give us some media coverage!




Eudorus: I don’t think so Achilles. That’s the temple of Apollo. You may end up hurting people’s sentiment.




Achilles (sniggers): Who cares about Apollo? In fact this is the best opportunity to become even more popular. Eudorus, get ready with the men. We are attacking. If we can ransack the place, I would be more famous than that good for nothing Apollo.




Eudorus: Attack soldiers!




Achilles: Yes. Go Myrmidons go!




Patroclus: But you are not fighting!




Achilles: Aww! Is it bothering you? You still need to learn a lot about being a celebrity. Just watch. Go Myrmidons go, kill them, arrest them!




Eudorus: They have fallen, Achilles. We have taken the princes’ cousin Briseis into custody.




Achilles: Good! Patroclus, could you please bring me a really sharp sword? Eudorus, could you please see if anyone from the media is covering this? Thanks Patroclus, you are very quick. So where’s the statue of Apollo? Let’s go behead it.




Hector (Comes running with an open sword): How dare you violate the holy temple of Apollo, Achilles? Have you no moral sense?




Achilles (waves dismissively): Whoa! Are you going to fight me Hector? Here? Look around. Nobody’s here. No press! I don’t fight like this. I need limelight. After all I am a hero!




Hector: You killed my people in a temple like a coward. Now you want me to call the press to witness our fight? What a sick person you are!




Achilles: Now now. Hold that thought. You know what a big celebrity I am, right? Let me tell you a secret. It’s not easy being popular. The public wants to see us fight. You know what, I can see it in your face, you are going to be a celebrity one day, if you are not already. So you must measure all your steps and seek all the media attentions that you can, if you want to be popular. Consider it as expert tips. Go home now. We can’t fight in this no man’s land.




Hector: You know what, as much as I loathe you, what you say makes sense. But we’ll definitely do it ok? Maybe after I have killed Agamemnon – the leech you call your king. And I will make sure to invite the media to cheer us. We’ll see who is more popular then.




Achilles: Ha ha! Sure Hector. I will wait eagerly.




***




Agamemnon: Bravo Achilles. I always knew you were not a fake celebrity.




Achilles: I agree.




Agamemnon: I am so delighted to see the gift you brought me. Briseis is an honorary member of my harem now.




Achilles: Wait. What? She belongs to me! Not you!




Agamemnon: Achilles. As much as I appreciate your attachment to the cousin of the kidnappers, she stays here. And you will obey, because, well, I am the EMPEROR.




Achilles: I don’t care. Do you wish me to fight you for the throne, Agamemnon? People will vote for me you know. I am more popular than you. Let’s have a poll in Facebook.




Agamemnon: Maybe. But are you aware of my connections in the Greek media? If you don’t want to be turned into a villain overnight, she stays here and you go back to your camp. Take rest. Tomorrow morning we are attacking. I will call you then.




***




Paris(Next day at the battle field): Hey Menelaus, look at you. Good to see you man!




Menelaus: Don’t talk to me that way Paris. You have dishonoured my hospitality.




Paris: I am sorry if I hurt you man. But what could I do? Love is blind you see?




Menelaus: And now you must suffer the wrath of Greece for your blindness.




Paris (Looks at the vast expanse of Greek army): Whoa! I can’t believe you brought such a big army to fight me! You must be really scared of me!




Menelaus: I am not scared of you, Paris.




Paris: Let’s have a duel then? What say? You and me, one on one. The winner gets Helen.




Menelaus: Fair enough! Much bloodshed can be avoided that way!




Agamemnon: I find this… disturbing Menelaus. We are here to fight a battle, to take Troy down.




Menelaus: Brother, my battle is with Paris. It’s Helen who I want to win back, not Troy. Paris, come on, come on. Let’s see what you got? Let me see what Helen saw in you!




Paris (Ducking Menelaus’s sword): Ooh! Aah! Not bad Menelaus. Not bad at all! Come on. Catch me if you can!




Menelaus: Why don’t you fight me Paris! You coward!




Helen: Ooh! This is working. Menelaus is angry. He’s lost control. You did it!




Paris: I did it! Hector! Go bro! It’s your turn now.




Hector (Growling): I can’t believe you call yourself a prince! You can’t even fight your own battle.




Paris: It’s all because of love bro! It’s all because of love. I can’t kill you know! I am above all this violence now!




Helen: Oh, Paris. You are such an adorable cutie!




Hector (Shakes his head and drives the sword through Menelaus): Die Menelaus die. Let the drama end!




***




Priyam: Hector, even if the battle appears to have become meaningless now that Menelaus is dead I am not sure Agamemnon agrees.




Hector: You are right dad! Did you see him after Menelaus died?




Priyam: Yes I did. He will attack again. And that’s why I think we should attack the Greek army first.




Hector: Great idea dad. Good news is Achilles won’t even join the battle unless there is press to cover it live.




Priyam: There’s more son. I have been following him on Twitter. He is tweeting along the same lines of your hopeless brother. He wants to spend the rest of his life away from the madness of battle in the Garden of Eden. I think he is in love.




Hector: What? Who is he in love with?




Priyam: Briseis apparently. He saved her from Agamemnon’s harem and then they made love!




Hector: And he tweeted about all that? Good lord! Anyway dad, I am going to get ready for the battle. I think we can cream them!




***




Eudorus: Alert soldiers! Alert! We have been attacked.




Odysseus: Oh no! Look at those fireballs descending from the sky! We are sure going to die.




Agamemnon: Don’t be a coward Odysseus! Fight back!




Odysseus: Stop being a boss, boss. Don’t shout orders from your high chair. Come join the battle.




Agamemnon: Why? I have so many people to do the work for me! Where’s Achilles?




Eudorus: He is not fighting. It’s the biggest buzz in Tweeter now. Honestly Agamemnon, you need to be on top of things if you want to be the king.




Odysseus: Look! Achilles!




Patroclus: Oh! This is so cool! People are actually thinking that I am Achilles!




Hector: So Achilles, finally you decided to come to the fight huh? But it seems that your love life has taken away the battle skills from you. I didn’t know you were so clumsy!




Patroclus: Fight me Hector. Stop talking.




Hector (Drives the sword through Patroclus): See, I killed you! Aww, Achilles, the biggest celebrity dying huh? Wait let me take a picture. Here let’s take your headgear off.




Holy shit! Who are you? Dressed like Achilles?




Achilles (Shouting from distance): Hector!




Hector: Wait! Was that Achilles’s voice?




Achilles: Damn right it was! Hector! How could you kill my cousin? He was my no.1 fan!




Hector: Oh Achilles, I didn’t know. He was dressed just like you.




Achilles: Of course he was. What else do you expect from my fan?




Hector: I am so sorry Achilles. I didn’t mean to kill him. But he was just a kid! How could you let him come to the battlefield?




Achilles: I didn’t know about it. I was busy inside my tent tweeting.




Hector: Yeah. That you were.




Achilles: But I must kill you now. Else my other fans will slam me. No one will come to the No.1 fan of Achilles contest.




Hector (defends Achilles’s blow): So you know your stuff too. I thought you were just an empty shell of coconut.




Achilles: Take this Hector. I picked up this move from Jackie Chan.




Hector: I don’t like your re-mixed moves Achilles. I am a purist.




Achilles: To hell with your purist moves Hector. Take this Bruce Lee blow and die.




Hector (breathes as he dies): Please tweet about my death Achilles. Let my dad know. He is following you.




***




Agamemnon: I don’t understand why we can’t attack now. This is the perfect opportunity. Troy is so vulnerable now!




Achilles: Because Priyam requested me to leave them alone for twelve days for Hector’s funeral. He is one of my followers in Twitter. I couldn’t deny him.




Agamemnon: That’s it. I am done with your PMS. I am going in that damned city.




Achilles: Hello! Get your facts correct first. Guys don’t get PMS!




Agamemnon: PMS. Popular Moron Syndrome.




Achilles: I…




Odysseus (Cutting in): Please stop arguing. We need to think here.




Achilles: What’s there to think? At the end of the twelfth day, we attack Troy!




Agamemnon(Copying Achilles): At the end of the twelfth day, we attack Troy! (Shouting) If you were fighting from the beginning I wouldn’t be seeing this day! You not only let Priyam take Hector’s body but also let that girlfriend of yours go. That girl, she knows our battle strategy. She was here! Now I don’t even know if they are arranging Hector’s funeral or building some deadly weapon! That damned wall! Even our greatest periscopes could not help.




Achilles: They are mourning. Briseis’s Facebook page is updated every day with photos of the mourning ceremony!




Agamemnon: Just get out! Get out from here. She may be lying to distract you. (To Odysseus) Has he always been this stupid?




Odysseus: You know what? I have got an idea!




***




Helen: Darling Paris. Come, see what an extra-ordinary sight! Mr. Priyam, take a look!




Priyam: Indeed! No Greek soldier and such a beautiful wooden horse! I think Lord Poseidon is helping us. The horse must be a gift from him in Hector’s remembrance! What could be a more appropriate gift for the great soldier that he was!




Paris: I think it’s a trap! Why would the Greeks leave otherwise?




Priyam: Because they were attacked by some deadly disease! Achilles tweeted. See! I think Poseidon released some lethal bio-weapon on them!




Paris: You believe Achilles, dad? Hector’s killer? I still believe this is a big scam.




Helen: When did you become such a sceptic baby? Mr. Priyam, let’s bring that horse in? What say? It’s the coolest and biggest thing I have ever seen.




Priyam: I think that’s a very good idea.




***




Achilles: I hate you Odysseus. First you make me lie and then you put me inside this dark horse belly. And who knows when these soldiers bathed last time. Oh God! It really stinks in here. I think I am going to pass out.




Odysseus: Stop over-reacting. Sshhh! I think they are here! Now let’s see whether they are idiotic enough to believe this!




Achilles (whispers): And what if they are smart! What then?




Odysseus (whispers): I don’t know. Maybe they will kill us.




Achilles (whispers): Kill us! Kill us! You really are out of your mind aren’t you?




Odysseus: Wait I think they are dragging us in. Look from this crack. See? That’s the city door we just crossed! I can’t believe the plan actually worked!




Achilles: Let’s crawl out. I really need some fresh air.




Odysseus: Attack soldiers! Massacre everything. Let’s destroy Troy!




Achilles: You people go ahead. I am going to find Briseis.




Priyam: Achilles, you lied!




Achilles: It’s really not my fault. That guy made me type it on sword point.




Priyam: I trusted you!




Achilles: I am sorry! But I have to find Briseis! Bye!




Paris(Blocks the road ahead): You are a bigger coward than me. Boy! It sure feels good. Here. Let me kill you! (Pulls the arrow)




Achilles(sniggers): You will kill me? Look you can’t even aim. Your arrow has hit my heel!




Paris: I don’t kill people. But they do. Look around.




Achilles: Oh! No! I can’t believe so many people actually want to kill me. I thought people loved me! Please don’t kill me! Look at me! I am Achilles. The most popular hero alive! You sure don’t want me dead! Or maybe you do, judging by the looks on your faces! Shocking! Ok! I guess I have no other choice. (Many arrows pierce through his body) Paris could you please let the media know of my heroic death? They sure will find many ways to promote it. Could you please make sure I look presentable when they see my body? I don’t want to disappoint them in my death. Oh! I think this is it! Bye dear world. I am sorry I have to leave you, because, honestly, I don’t think you will get such a hero ever again! I know I will be dearly missed. A legend comes to an end! Goodbye dear earth. Goodbye.






Love

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