Thou Shalt Not Sweat on Me!

Hello all you lovely, splendid people! Just a quick update, it appears that “Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus,” is on track to be released on May 20 on Amazon.com (followed closely by several other venues)! As soon as I have an official link I will post it here faster than a greased bunny can be slid across a linoleum floor! In other news, I have an author Facebook page set up now. Feel free to look me up under "Allison Hawn" and keep up to date on news about the book.  That aside, here is another scribbling from my “Ooooh Squirrel!” brain. I am a bit of a gym rat, mostly by necessity. I have a genetic make-up that means that if I even stare longingly at a piece of cheesecake for too long, I will suddenly pack on some extra curves. For this reason, I spend, at the very least, an hour in the gym every day.  This means over a several year span I have gotten to witness some of the most bizarre/useless behavior ever perpetrated around a set of weights. Frankly I'd be willing to leave most of these things alone, but when you see them day after day, sometimes you just feel compelled to smack certain individuals with a starfish.  Since I do not have easy access to a starfish and would probably be arrested for assault with deadly brainless sea creature, I will instead just write some of the things I have noticed here.   These are my 10 Gym Commandments. If I could etch them in stone I would (but I learned I really should not be given a chisel and a hammer a long time ago).   Note: I am not a doctor, personal trainer or coordinated tango instructor. I am currently a fitness instructor, though, if that counts for anything? As always you should talk to your doctor, significant other, best friend, Oprah and a therapist before starting any new exercise plan.   1. Thou shalt not believe that sitting on gym equipment will magically slim thee.  I realize that this is a disappointment to many (including myself). The gym has an aura of fitness and health to it; however, to contribute and partake in the aura one actually does have to move.  This means that if someone sits on the cable row machine for 20 minutes and does only one five-pound repetition, that person is not in fact working out. What that individual is doing instead is blocking everyone else in the gym from using the thing that he or she has converted into the gym version of a home recliner. The gym, sadly, is not magic.   2. Thou must not only move, thou must sweat, push and exert thyself.  Just because one is sitting and bouncing on a yoga ball does not mean one is working out. Sadly, I see a lot of females do this.  Doing crunches, dumbbell presses and weighted mermaids on a yoga ball are all legitimate exercises. Having a conversation about your nails while doing the same movement a 3 year old does in their bouncy chair is not getting you anywhere, cupcake.   3. Thou shalt NEVER mock others in the gym based on their physical appearance.   Yes, some of us are twigs, some of us are bulky, some of us are, dare I say this word, fat. It doesn't matter; everyone has a place in the gym. The fact is that no other person can ever know what someone else is capable of, and so verbally disparaging them is just plain dumb.  I have seen tiny guys do sets of 30 weighted pull-ups, seen full-figured women run faster than I could ever imagine going, and I have seen a 300 pound man sustain yoga poses that make my limbs hurt just thinking about them. Don't judge, everyone has the right to work out just as much as everyone else does.   4. Thou shalt not believe the weight area is only for males.  More times than I can count at this point, I have had some hot-shot guy swagger up to me while I'm lifting and make some comment about how, "Women should not be in the weight area."  I have no problem then, in front of each one of his friends and girlfriends, lifting twice as much as he does, turning and saying, "You're right, we should not be in the weight area, we might make you look bad."  Women are tough, period.   5. Thou shalt not be self-defeating at the gym.  I bring up this example because, to my count, I have now seen it five times. I see a person on a treadmill (good), going at the slowest possible pace the machine can go (not as good), drinking a soda (*thunks head on desk* bad).  If one consumes more calories while working out than one actually burns, then what purpose did going to the gym serve?  These are the same people who talk on their cellphones, at decibels that could be felt in space, about how they are working out, but they never seem to lose any weight. Really, Sherlock, weight loss is being elusive?  Come on, let's examine the clues and maybe we can solve this mystery.   6. Thou shalt be conscious of other gym patrons.  This means one should not pick up weights and then just stand in front of the weight rack doing bicep curls. Believe it or not, other people would like to weight lift too, and standing there like one of the giant stone pillars of Stonehenge, creates a bit of a deterrent.  This also means that one should not take eight sets of weights and claim that one is using them all.  The only one who can make that claim is an octopus. I realize that some people have things like ladder drills or circuits that they want to do and that is fine. But one really does not need to monopolize half the weight rack to accomplish one’s goal, I promise.   7. Thou shalt put it back where thou found it.  As much as I love scavenger hunts, spending 10 minutes hunting for the 40 pound dumbbells only to discover that someone has kindly hidden them behind the foam rollers is somewhat less charming than the childhood counterpart of that game. The gym staff are not mothers or magical weight fairies; everyone needs to pick up after himself or herself.   8. Thou shalt wear clothing to the gym.  I cannot describe the endless parade of things that I see at the gym that make me wonder, "Did your mommy forget to lay out your clothes for you this morning?"  Sweatpants with holes in the crotch (sometimes with underwear underneath, sometimes without), shirts that have the sides cut out (so we can see the side of one's abs, as what is left of the shirt precariously slips towards getting caught in the machine), shorts that one has to stare at for a minute so one can verify they are not a belt and spandex that has been stretched so tight that it now has all the coverage ability of tinted saran wrap should probably only be worn in the privacy of one's own home.  9. Thou shalt not hit on other gym patrons with dogged persistence.  No, you can't buy me a drink. Why? Because this is a gym, not a bar, and I am working out, and this is not a date.  It's fine to flirt, say hi or strike up a conversation with someone at the gym. However, I once had a guy sit and stare at me for 20 minutes on the rowing machine before asking if I, "Wanted to go out to see the back of his truck."  Nope! Everyone, guys and girls, can agree, we like our gyms creeper free.   10. Thou shalt not believe thou's sweat is magical.  This means that if one leaves a giant puddle of sweat on the machine one just used, and then one decides not to use the handy-dandy free paper towels and sanitizer to wipe it up, I will look at that individual like she or he just barbequed a puppy.  Do you want to sit in a puddle of a random stranger's sweat? No? Then why on the earth would anyone want to wade through a puddle of yours? No one’s sweat is exempt from the grossness factor, wipe it up!
All that being said, what are the most ridiculous things all of you have seen at the gym?