Friday Feminism: Introductions and Prevarications

At a recent workshop experience, I asked all of the participants to introduce themselves. Then I noticed how many of the women in particular were self-effacing, embarrassed, or just plain prevaricating about their skills and years of experience as writers. I admit, these are unpublished writers, but it seemed that they thought of themselves as rank beginners. They were not rank beginners by and large, from my experience in reading their manuscripts before the class start. Many of the manuscripts were books I thought were publishable with a little polish, and a couple of them were so good that I was envious I hadn't written them myself.

Why, then, do we women so frequently undersell ourselves? Pretty simply put, this is how we are socialized. Women who lead with their accomplishments, and who value themselves highly are quickly taught a lesson that this is inappropriate. Men are not taught this generally. Women also internalize this to the point that even in all-female conversations, the same self-deprecating talk prevails. The only kind of one-upmanship in conversation I have seen with women is reverse one-upmanship, like if you think you are stupid, then I will tell you a story about how stupid I am. Or how clueless. Or how hopeless. Or how incompetent. Or how pitiful.

See, the funny thing about this is that I am so oversocialized myself that I don't particularly want to change this. That is, I only wish that men would be less arrogant, not that women would be more so. But this isn't really getting outside of the expectations of gender. I have been told on a couple of occasions that my conversational style is slightly male. Not in the sense that I tend to lead with my best foot (I don't usually), but in the sense that I don't end every sentence with a question mark in my tone and I don't apologize for my opinions as much as others do. I'm aware that a woman with opinions can be taken the wrong way, but I've just stopped caring.

However, I have spent YEARS learning how to introduce myself. I tell some groups of people I am a writer, and if they insist, I will tell them a couple of titles (though rarely are the titles recognized). Most of the time the title "writer" is far less socially intimidating than some of the other things that I might use to introduce myself. Like PhD from Princeton University at age 24. Or #163 nationally ranked triathlete in my age group. Or (now that my kids are older), a daughter at MIT and one at Berklee School of Music. I have found that women don't want to talk to other women they consider above them in status. But men have no problem with this. I have a dear friend who enjoys leading with all of my most impressive accomplishments the first time he introduces me to anyone else. He's proud of me, even if I'm not proud of myself. Maybe I need to learn his strategy. I think probably all women could stand to look at the way in which we introduce ourselves and consider changing it.