In Which I Try To Take A Shower Without The House Erupting

Me: *just stepped out of shower and into towel* Get off my bed.

Odd Trundles: BUT I MISSED YOU!

Me: I was in the shower. The bathroom door was wide open. Get off my bed.

Odd: I MISSED YOU, I NEEDED COMFORT.

Me: Get off my–oh my God.

Odd: I DON’T FEEL GOOD.

Me: You ate my shoe!

Odd: WHAT? I DON’T FEEL GOOD. I THINK I MIGHT BARF.

Me: GET OFF MY BED.

Odd: WHY’RE YOU YELLING? *urps* *tries to swallow shoelace again* WHAT’S IN MY MOUTH?

Me: *grabs shoelace* GET OFF MY BED!

Odd: DON’T YELL AT ME, IT HURTS MY FEELINGS. HEY, WHAT’S THAT?

Me: *holding dripping shoelace* OFF. NOW.

Odd: WILL WE PLAY TUG? IT’S MY FAVOURITE GAME. ONLY I DON’T FEEL GOOD. BUT I’LL TRY.

Miss B: IS THAT VOMIT? DO I SMELL VOMIT? HAS VOMITING OCCURRED WITHOUT MY PERMISSION? I MUST INVESTIGATE!

Me: Shut up–

Miss B: HE’S ON THE BED! HOW COME I’M NOT ON THE BED?

Me: Because you tried to kill me by tripping me when I got out of the shower.

Miss B: THAT WAS YOU? HE DOESN’T LOOK SO GOOD…

Odd Trundles: *barfs* *all over bed* *and carpet* *and my feet*

Me: Oh, for God’s sake!

Miss B: LOOK! I’M QUEEN OF THE BED!

Odd Trundles: *evidently feeling lighter and MUCH relieved* MY FAVOURITE GAME! *piles onto bed*

Me: GET OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING BED, BOTH OF YOU!

Both dogs: EEEEK! MOM’S PLAYING TOO! *tear down hallway* *tear back* *leap back on bed* *wrestle and produce ear-scrubbing noise*

Me: …

I came back (after washing my feet and getting dressed) to clean the sludge up, only to find that someone had eaten the bits of half-digested kibble. Whoever it was had, though, kindly left the other shoelace and some of the liquid.

I might have been grateful, but they were both on my bed, worn out after wrestling and growling, and half asleep.

So I sent them outside, where they pressed their noses against the French door on the deck and silently beamed YOU ARE SO CROOOOOL AND UNJUST at me while I stripped the bed. Guess I have to scrub the carpet too. Again.

*headdesk*