Q&A – I need more tricks for my toddler!

All of your information was very helpful and I feel like I have learned some new techniques for dealing with myself and my little budding preschooler. What I still am not certain about is what to do when my child is behaving in a way that I don’t think is appropriate – how to get the behavior to stop.

For example, what do you do when a child continues to hit a sibling or pet? I’ve said to him, “we don’t hit people”, “our dog is our friend and we don’t hit her”, etc, but oftentimes he’ll just ignore me and continue hitting.

Or another example might be jumping off the couch. If I tell him that we don’t jump off the couch, or that I’d like him to stop (and this might be multiple times), sometimes he’ll either tell me ‘no’ or just keeps doing what I’ve asked him not to.

I know that in some instances I could offer another alternative (like, if he needs to hit, he can hit pillows; or if he wants to jump, we can go outside to jump), but other times it’s just not feasible to do that. I’ve told him before that if he can’t stop whatever unsavory behavior he’s doing then he’ll have to take a break by himself in his room, but I’m conflicted on whether or not I think that that’s the best thing to do. Aside from what I’ve mentioned, I’m out of tricks. Do you have any advice?

Ooooh, yes! It can be super frustrating when you set the boundary and your little one keeps doing the behavior.

Two things are most likely at play:

1) he’s enjoying himself and doesn’t actually want to stop doing it.

2) he’s getting attention for doing it.

He’s still little (not even three yet, right?). He needs way more attention for the behaviors you want more of and way less attention for the things you don’t.

Continue to give him the yes’s (“we hit pillows, we hit couches. We don’t hit people or animals…”)

If hitting the dog is an issue lately, spend some time in the morning (and throughout the day) reminding him that the dog is our friend and we need to be gentle. We touch kindly.

If you see him going toward the dog, try to intervene and redirect his attention without mentioning the dog. You might say, “Oh my, look at that bird outside. Come, let’s look at it). Catch him and give him positive playful energy BEFORE he gets to the dog. This may mean you are kind of shadowing him for a little bit. Try it for a day or two and see what happens. If he senses he can get your full attention without messing with the dog it’s possible that he will diminish that behavior.

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If he does hit the dog, as calmly as you can walk over and quietly say, “no sir. You may not hit the dog” and physically move his body away from the dog. Without a lot of energy. Less energy then you would give him for doing the things you DO want him to do.You can go to his room with him and just be there calmly. He may freak out, he may not. Either way just be very neutral. Any talking or trying to teach the lesson at that point is not going to get you the desired outcome.

He needs to feel less energy from you for doing that behavior than more. If you want to learn more about this philosophy you can check out a book called “Transforming the Difficult Child” (I don’t love that title but the book is very good). There’s also a good section on boundaries in “Brain Rules For Babies.”

Bottom line: Give him a clear sense of what is ok, lots of love and attention when he’s doing things you want more of, and then clear and in the moment redirecting when there is undesirable behavior happening.

Make sure the energy for positive stuff are FAR OUTWEIGHING the energy for negative stuff.

Finally, it’s important to realize that all of this is going to take time. But the first steps are to give MORE energy and attention to what you want and far less energy and attention to what you don’t want.

And make sure he has lots of time and space to be very active and physical. Boys his age are VERY active and they need lots of time to throw and run and roughhouse. If they don’t get it it will come out on people and animals.

I hope this is helpful. Please let me know your thoughts.

 

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