ASK KELLY RAE:: Have you always been positive?

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Ask Kelly Rae is your chance to prompt me with your thoughtful, soulful & beautifully complex questions about just about anything! Art, love, relationships, friendships, business, creativity, home decor, where I got my cowgirl boots — the doors are wiiiide open. 

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(An old journal entry from when I was 22 years old. It reads, "I just came to the realization that we all have a choice. We can either choose to be grumpy, in a bad mood, or we can choose to be our real, happy selves. Our moods & actions are our own responsibility. I cannot blame other or outside circumstances for my behavior, or my reaction to them. Whew - I'm ready to be joyful.")
Q: Were you always this strong and positive? Was there a defining moment, experience, phase in your life when you decided to consciously be these qualities? Did you always have a pattern of attracting amazing confident women in her life? - R

A: Short answer: NO. Long Answer: Although I seem to be naturally inclined to look at the bright side (I remember this being a shame trigger for me in high school because it seemed so many of my cool/artsy/melodramatic friends were stoic and I was definitely the bubbly one), I've struggled a lot with  gremlins: negativity, shame, envy, fear, self-esteem, and on an on. I began to get serious, though, about my own self development for the first time when I was about 21. I was in a really tough spot in my life: I had graduated early from college at the age of 20 (a slightly immature 20) which meant that interviewers were not taking me all that seriously and I had a hard time finding a job. I eventually moved from my college town in FL to Atlanta, GA where I got four (yes, and all at the same time!) random part-time jobs so that I could afford my rent, and start paying my student loans. It was a miserable time in my life. My part time jobs included Blockbuster Music, a travel agency, an after school program, and telemarketing. There was a lot of commuting from one job to the next, juggling schedules, and worrying about money. In addition to deeply missing my college friends (many of them still in college), I had all sorts of disappointment toward myself for not being able to find a job in my field (I had a bachelors in social work at the time). I also didn't have a ton of friends in Atlanta and was living in a stressful situation with my ex-boyfriend. So there was that. Bottom line, I was deeply unhappy and perpetually stuck in a victim-stance attitude the entire time.

After about 8 months of being miserable, I gave up and left Atlanta. There is a hilarious story about how I left (think breakdown after finding my car broken into, frantically filling up large black yard bags with my "stuff", throwing it all into my car, covering my glass strewn carseat with a thick towel, and beelining it for 8 hours straight on the highway in a rainstorm, without a window, until I wound up back in my college town on my BFF's couch. By then, I was 21 years old with no job, no money, and a heavy heart from trying so hard during those rough months in Atlanta.

Can I just say turning point. 

I spent the next year back in my college town, getting myself together. I called it my year of "self development." I got a full time admin job at a non-profit with the sweetest boss a girl could ask for. I rented an apt with a dear friend. I began to read books (this book and this book were my main guides). I began to journal + reflect (repeat, repeat, repeat). But most importantly, I suppose, I began to practice all the things I was learning about in the books: self compassion, embracing my vulnerabilities, gratitude (I had loads of gratitude lists and journals back then).

As you can see in my journal entry above, I was a young 22 year old just learning some very key principles in living a joyful life. I think of my books and my best friends as my guides during those days. They taught me so much (and still do). After the year of self development was up, I enrolled into Social Work graduate school. More books, more insights, more practice. So yes, those early 20's were defining years for me, for sure.

What I find so interesting nowadays is that, in some ways, I'm right back to that intense focus on self development. I suppose there are years when we have to practice more than others, and the last couple of years have been huge practice years for me. But I like being a life long learner :)

Thanks for the great question! Keep em' coming,Kelly Rae


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