Star Wars: The Phantom Sequel Menace
by Curtis Edmonds and Ryan Garcia
2015
Star Wars Part Seven: Rise of the Lens Flares – J.J. Abrams directs the first new installment of the series, where new Sith Lord Darth FreshPrince (Will Smith) and his padawan, Darth Junior (Jaden Smith) lead a daring raid on the Antares Retirement Home, where Han Solo (Harrison Ford) leads the aged Rebel forces to convince invading stormtroopers to get off the lawn and to stop playing that John Williams music so damn loud.
2017
Star Wars Part Eight: Sith Lords in Black – After the critical failure of Part Seven, Disney brings on Barry Sonnenfeld to direct a humorous take on the franchise, bringing back Will and Jaden Smith in a comical adventure where the Sith and the Rebel Alliance join forces to take down an attack led by Megan Fox from Planet Bridezilla. Many critics consider Woody Allen’s co-starring role as the voice of a Gungan diplomat to be a low point in franchise history.
2019
Star Wars Part Nine: Blood of the Jedi – After Disney announces that Steven Spielberg will direct the new version, mobs congregate at Disney production offices and at the new “Welcome To Dagobah” park in Central Florida. The protests turn bloody and violent over rumors that Shia LaBeouf will play Han Solo’s son in the new movie. At the last moment, Spielberg appeases the mob and steps down. Faced with a tight production schedule and sensitive to ongoing fanboy criticism, Disney brings in splatter director Eli Roth to helm the first R-rated episode (after four edits to come down from NC-17). The entire cast, with the exception of Megan Fox, is killed in the final scene. Fans rejoice.
2021
Star Wars Part Ten: The Lake on Naboo – Stung by criticism of the prior movie for its violent cruelty and blood-soaked misogyny, Disney makes its first attempt to bring the female moviegoing audience into the franchise and taps Nick Cassavetes to direct a Stephenie Meyer script about the love affair between Anakin and Padme. The movie culminates in a forty-five minute cuddling session between the two leads. The studio is pleased by the critical reception, the lower production costs, and sales of the “Romantic Encounter Anakin” action figure. Fanboy anger is mollified when Disney executives threaten, “If you don’t go see the next one, we’re bringing back Lucas.”
2023
Star Wars Part Eleven: The Oil Bath - Continuing the exploration of pivotal Star Wars relationships in this fourth trilogy, Part Eleven features Ang Lee’s take on R2D2’s complicated relationship with C-3PO. From their initial, naked encounters to the time spent alone in the desert to the years of silent, longing whistles into space, Lee’s focus comes at the same time society is coming to grips with the potential for human-artificial intelligence love. It becomes the first movie in history to be protested by both the religious right and GLBT groups alike.
2025
Star Wars Part Twelve: A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villany – The first Star Wars musical is brought to life by the genius of director Baz Lurhman, with original music and choreography by Lady Gaga. The classic slave-girl meets bounty-hunter story, set in the Mos Eisley Cantina, wins three Best Song nominations, including “I Shot First,” “Those Aren’t The Droids You’re Looking For,” and the Academy Award-winning showstopper “May The Force Be With You.”
2027
Star Wars Part Thirteen: Clear Eyestalks, Full Heartscreens, Can’t Lose the Force – After the last disastrous trilogy, director Peter Berg takes Star Wars into a smaller era. The Force has disappeared, leaving the New Jedi Order alone in small outposts to eke out a living. Their weekly pastime, Friday night lightsaber battles, forms the basis for small town life for the Jedi and their family. Kyle Chandler wins the first acting award in a Star Wars movie with his portrayal of Coach Lethro Pritchett.
2029
Star Wars Part Fourteen: A Great Disturbance in the Force – A new Empire, more powerful than the old, arises from the ashes with an even larger space station, known as the Doomsday Star, capable of destroying every planet in its path. A race of super-intelligent robots from a distant corner of the galaxy arrive to take it on, and need the help of a young boy and a thinly-clad supermodel to explode the Doomsday Star before it causes any more explosions than it already has. Michael Bay directs.
2031
Star Wars Part Fifteen: The Unmoveable Object – Director Christopher Nolan is coaxed out of his self-imposed retirement following the disastrous Justice League II: The Wrath of Captain Carrot to helm the triumphant return of the Force featuring three generation of Smith actors (the return of Will and Jaden along with Jaden’s son, Twitter.com Smith). The plot is a twisted combination of backstory and random flash-forwards, but Nolan kills an Ewok in every scene so fans embrace the film as canon.
2033
Star Wars Part Sixteen: Anakin’s Quest – Disney taps Nicholas Bird, son of legendary Pixar director Brad Bird, to direct the first fully-immersive movie in the franchise’s history. Bird, the first director to grow up watching the initial trilogy, drafted a screenplay set in the competitive world of the podracer circuit. Although test audiences left the theater queasy and disoriented after being subjected to high-G stress, the movie opened to huge box office after the special effects were tweaked to reduce nausea.
2035
Star Wars Part Seventeen: The Wampa Cave – Wu Yi Fang, son of John Woo, continues in the footsteps of Bird by exploring the time lost in Luke Skywalker’s mind when he was captured by the Wampa on Hoth. The two hour cave shoot-out, filmed in one continuous take, resulted in the death of thirteen stuntmen and was initially cancelled by the studio until leaked footage became the first video to cross the one quadrillion views threshold on FaceTube.
2037
Star Wars Part Eighteen: Leave The Blaster, Take The Cannoli – The remnants of the aging sector of the Star Wars fanbase are outraged when Disney taps Sofia Coppola to direct the next movie in the franchise, but her handling of Tatooine mob justice, culminating in the rise of Jabba the Hutt and his takeover of the Mos Eisley casinos, wins the first Best Picture Academy Award in Star Wars history.
2039
Star Wars Part Nineteen: The Backwater Worlds – Former Disney star Miley Cyrus agrees to star in exchange for her daughter, Oxycont Styles, be given the director’s chair. The resulting movie is the first in franchise history to sell more tickets outside city centers than inside, with the exception of selling every ticket nationwide on April 20.
2041
Star Wars Part One: The Way It Should Have Been In The First Place: Bowing to fanboy demands, Kevin Smith directs the reboot of the storied franchise from an original script by Patton Oswalt featuring an Infinity Gauntlet-driven crossover of all major Disney owned intellectual property including Marvel, Star Wars, Disney, DC, The Muppets, Tintin, Lord of the Rings, The Matrix, Titanic, and the newly re-booted Police Academy films. Both director and screenwriter die shortly after the premiere of the sixteen-hour epic, with Smith saying that “Now I can die in peace,” and Oswalt saying “I am just so glad they let me put Spider-Man in this movie, I can’t even tell you.” A new generation of Star Wars fanatics is born.
