Evil Editor Clasics

Guess the Plot

The Con- federacy of Heaven

1. Nasan Rattling- bones is caught up in a religious war. Seems the almighty ones can't agree on whether Nasan's people should be granted salvation in the next life, or something practical.

2. Robert E. Lee, Jeff Davis and all their long-dead cronies recall their glory days. But this nostalgic reunion of war buddies soon balloons out of control into a celestial civil war the angels will never forget.

3. When Jeb Stuart dies at Bull Run, he never expects to go to heaven, where God has a special place for fallen soldiers. The Stars and Bars fly proudly over the clouds...until the Yankees break out of hell. Can the Confederacy of Heaven survive, or will the cause be lost all over again?

4. Confederacy of Heaven is code for beer party behind the church at midnight. Or at least that's what Patty Arbuckle thought she heard. So now she's out in the cold, wearing her best outfit, and where is everybody? The only person in sight is Sister Constance, hurrying to ask what's up. Or . . . is that dark-caped figure . . . a vampire!?

5. Madge Gundarson is flabbergasted to arrive in Heaven and discover -- not a solitary magnificence or even the beneficent trio -- but hordes of gods of all descriptions doing battle with thunderbolts, ray guns, boiling lava, etc. She flutters around in bewilderment and finally returns to her old job on earth, serenely aware that life as a receptionist is really not so bad.

6. One hundred and fifty years after the war, the souls of dead Civil War soldiers are still battling away in heaven and God's getting fed up. Can St. Peter bring the war to a peaceful end or will Archangel Michael have to bust out the fiery sword?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Though the myths of townspeople and nomads differ, they agree on one point: there has been no rain in two hundred years. [Is it the myths that agree on this point, or the nomads and townspeople? I assume the myths, or why even mention myths? But myths have been passed down through the ages, and wouldn't include details like It didn't rain last Thursday.] Since the Stars cursed them, people have adapted to life in a sterile world by building fortified cities around the last remaining natural springs. Nasan Rattlingbones [Anagram: brainless antagonist.] is one of the nomads, people without a city who survive by trading for their water. But when the chieftain’s son [What chieftain?] dies in battle, [Who is battling whom, and why?] Nasan is unfairly blamed for it and outcast from her clan.

[Orryn Chiggerboom: The chieftain is dead. We were supposed to be protecting him.

Tactuine Swillspigot: We're in big trouble . . . Unless we blame it on the chick with the silly name.]

In the wilderness she crosses paths with a bird-spirit who claims to be her spirit guide but can’t quite seem to prove it. He’s the most irritating spirit guide imaginable, but he does manage to save her life on a couple of occasions.

[Bird-spirit: Hey, I've saved your life twice today.

Nasan Rattlingbones: I know, I know. But do you have to keep pecking my neck?]

After much pecking and prodding, he gets her caught up in a bitter religious war between the city folk. [I expect a little prodding from my bird-spirit guide, but if he's gonna be pecking me all the time, I'm dumping him and getting a hamster-spirit guide.] [Also, whether he's my spirit guide or not, if he keeps pecking me, my solution is going to be more immediate than getting caught up in a bitter religious war, and he's not going to like it.]

Humanity will soon get the chance to plead its case with the Stars who rule the universe. Should they plead for salvation in the next life, or something more practical, like rain? [Let's see, joy, love and the wonders of the universe for eternity, or a glass of water tonight? I am pretty thirsty.] There are armed cities and Stars that walk the earth on both sides of the issue, and they become increasingly willing to kill as the time for judgment draws near. [Kill whom, and why? I'm not getting this. The "issue" doesn't sound like something rulers of the universe would kill for. What exactly is the issue?] Nasan signs up with a rebel Star’s army, but she soon finds she can’t trust Stars or even her own spirit guide. [At least the Stars don't keep pecking her.] Why won’t the bird-spirit tell her what the war has to do with her? [More importantly, why won't you tell us what the war has to do with her?] [Also, maybe the bird is telling her, in Morse code.]

The Confederacy of Heaven is a young adult fantasy novel, [If you don't tell us it's YA up front, you should tell us Nasan's age up front.] complete at 70,000 words. I have included the first page and the synopsis according to your guidelines. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Are the Stars fighting because they can't agree on whether to give the people rain or eternal salvation? Why don't they give them both? They rule the universe; they can do whatever they want.

Why is Nasan blamed for the chieftain dying in battle? Was she present when he died? I would dump the chieftain and the battle from the query. Just introduce Nasan as a nomad without a city who survives by trading for water.

What do myths have to do with it? Have myths about a curse developed to explain the lack of rain, even though there's a scientific explanation like they live in a desert or like the Stars really do have the ability to curse the people? I don't see that myths are involved.

It could be pretty funny if the bird does a lot of pecking. Especially if the bird turns out not to be Nasan's spirit guide, but a common bird who claims to be a spirit guide so it can get away with excessive pecking. There's no such thing as too much pecking. By the end Nasan's body should be covered with peck marks. Then the bird, which is a serial pecker, says, "My work here is done," and flies off to find another gullible victim.

If you change Nasan's name to Assani, not only will it sound like a girl's name instead of a decongestant; it really will be an anagram of brainless antagonist.


Selected Comments

Dave F. said...I really don't know what your story or plot is after reading this. Nasan Rattlingbones lives on a desert world that hasn't had rain in 200 years. The belief is that the gods (Stars) have cursed the planet. Well, it ain't the first desert planet, Arrakis/Dune, Shai-Hulud - immediately comes to mind. I like desert and phallic-shaped sandworms. But I digress.
And like all good humans, the denizens of (what was that name again?) fight and kill each other over the lack of anything important. I.E. That descendant-of-a-monkey insulted me. that pervert tried to breathe the same air. I need to piddle in your river. He tried to kill my Daddy... Sounds like the evening news to me.

The, what you seem to say in this query - - is that LIFE on this nameless world is going to get worse.

We're all going to die. We're all going to die!
Well, we all do die, eventually, but this "die" is sooner rather than the later "die."

The gods (Stars) are bringing on the Apocalypse / Armageddon / End Times / Rapture / Judgement (etc...) and the gods ain't coming on clouds of glory with the Celestial City twinkling and sparkling behind them. no, these ain't benevolent gods.

For the glory of heaven and the thrill of victory, these gods are also fighting among themselves. I guess we were created in their image. (Please don't tell me I'm sacrilegious, blasphemous, and ungodly. this comment does not reflect my religious beliefs.)

Nasan Rattlingbones is the savior/traitor who can tip the war between the gods and give - planet X - a choice?

OO-LALA! It's a "DIE SILLY HUMANS" or live your short meaningless lives on this desert world with rain ---- choice. Wow, what a choice - immortal life with the squabbling gods who cursed me or drudging along in the sandy mud until I die of natural causes and then go to stay with the gods who cursed me.

This obviously is not your story.


Xiexie said...I think you just need some clarity.

There's a war going on between the gods-and-humans on one side and the gods-and-humans on the other. Nasan is caught in the middle of it. (And her dealing with her "spirit-guide" kind of reminds me of Mulan.

Now what I don't understand is why this war is going on, and what Nasan brings to it.


pjd said...Although I don't entirely understand all of them, I'll echo Dave's comments. Though why he ends with "this obviously is not your story," I'm not sure. Especially after starting with "I don't know what your story is." Oh, I'm also not as enamored of phallus-shaped giant worms as he is, but that's really neither here nor there.
For me, most of this appears arbitrarily pieced together and sort of "so what." I don't connect with Nasan at all through this query. I think you've got a structural problem in your query that I hope does not reflect the actual manuscript.

Look at your first paragraph. You start with myths and nomads and townspeople, then drought, then Stars and curses. We don't get a character until well into that paragraph, and then there's a lot of background.

Start with something like this: Ever since Nasan Rattlingbones was unfairly expelled from her nomadic clan, she has been trying to avoid getting caught up in a raging religious war. Without rain for over 200 years... Just a thought. It might help you rethink how you're approaching the description of your story.


Margaret said...Okay, it looks like a lot of pecking, er, explanation, is in order.

You're right about the organization. It's a real complicated situation, which I'm having trouble summarizing well.

This is post-apocalyptic Earth, actually. We, the ancients, were getting too technologically above ourselves and fighting too many wars, so the stars took away the rain. Every 100 years we get the chance to send one representative to Heaven to explain why we've learned our lesson and we deserve the rain back.

The myths differ on what happened the first time we plead our case. The nomads believe that the first guy simply failed. Townspeople say that he negotiated with the stars, and gave up rain for the living so that the dead could go to Heaven. Now the 200-year anniversary is coming up, and the cities are fighting over they should send as the representative. Stars who protested against taking away the rain and were exiled to Earth are fighting on the "give them rain" side. All the other stars think we need to be punished some more, and they fight mostly through human deputies.

Nasan’s supposed to be the next representative. The bird-spirit isn’t really her spirit guide; it’s his job to pick the next representative, and he picked Nasan (by accident). He can't tell her what he's up to because of a binding curse; he can only prod her in the right direction. Until just after halfway through the book, when she finds out what he's really up to, and she's not happy.

Which chieftain? The chieftain of, well, her clan. The Clan of the Rattling Bones. Chieftain's son wants to marry her, chieftain is not happy about it. They try to attack a walled city to steal their water because their own water supply is destroyed. Chieftain's son gets shot. Chieftain blames her because he hates her anyway, and his rationale is that she should have been looking out for him in battle.


Evil Editor said...Like most authors, you summarize the situation much more clearly when you're annoyed with EE than when you aren't. I gotta find a way to bring out the vitriol before the query letter is sent.


Margaret said...No, no, I'm not annoyed with EE. EE points out the stupid, obvious stuff that I'm missing, like exactly what the chieftain is chieftain of. After a healthy dose of ridicule, I summarize much better.


Kings Falcon said...Okay, the longer summary is much more interesting. If you focus every sentance of it on Nasan's (which I thought sounded like the car) journey it might seem less disjointed.
The main thrust of the story seems to be her being picked, her asking the gods to help and getting caught up in the gods' war. If that's true, the details about the chieftan's son, the myths and the wars between the cities can probably be cut from the query.


Maybe something like:

Every 100 years, the inhabitants of the planet, Evil Monkeyville, send one inhabitant to petition the gods for the return of rain. Thier second chance is upon them.

While the various governments bicker over who should be sent, Raven, the spirit-bird charged by the gods to choose the representative botches the job.

Nasan, a teenage (?) outcast from her nomadic tribe, just wants to start over in the city. But Raven's excessive pecking is giving her pock marks. She agrees to beseech the gods unaware that her request will propel her into a battle of mythical proportions.

So, NOW WHAT HAPPENS???

Hope this helps. Good luck.