Dateline Columbus OH: 5/01/2313

In a stunning and timely reversal today, the catholic bishop of Columbus Ohio issued an apology to one Carla Hale, a former employee (in 2013) of Bishop Watterson High School, a place of education that once occupied the Cooke Road site of the current MCS, the Ministry of Common Sense.
Ms Hale, legend has it, was a distinguished teacher and, it appears, if the historical record is correct, a champion of civil liberties. It is unclear why Ms Hale's 'sexual orientation' made her a subject of controversy in the dark days of 2013, but in those somewhat uncivilized times she must have been. The ancient record shows also that 'religious orientation' was a primary qualification for high office and class distinction during those dark times, so the context seems to support the hypothesis. Christians it appears, were held in somewhat higher esteem than other, equally qualified citizens, again if the record is correct. Why this was is still the subject of historical inquiry.
In any case, sole remaining catholic administrator in Ohio Bishop Fairly S. Petrific issued the statement last evening, after the internet was shut down for 'Mass Unplugging for Sanity Hour' (MUSH) by the aforementioned MCS, Ministry for Common Sense. Petrific's statement was terse, legalistic and clearly vetted by the papal curia, possibly by Pope Suburban IV himself. "We three remaining defenders of the catholic faith do hereby acknowledge that, in the year of our lord 2013, (or close enough to satisfy our 173 former adherents in any case,) a Ms Carla Hale, though she is (or used to be) a lesbian, which this church body still can't fully accept, and though she was (possibly still is) living in a “quasi-spousal relationship” (bishop Campbell's words, not ours, but close enough) we hereby say it's okay with us old unmarried (unmarriageable?) men if she does that, but only if she confesses and makes nice, and for god's sake never ever mentions it again in polite company. "For god's sake shut up about it, ick!" Petrific cited Campbell again: “...we don’t necessarily go looking for things like that,” he said back in 2013, but "...by god if we uncover it," Petrific continued, "...we pounce on it like a duck on a June bug." Just like bishop Campbell, who fired Ms Hale before the week was out, based on a letter, based on an obituary citation: "We do this in an atmosphere of care, of calm consideration..." Thus the apology a mere 300 years in the making. "We don't wish to rush into these things," the statement read.
The statement was written on 'paper,' rather than on the already shuttered internet in order to "maintain the integrity of the church," Petrific said. Better late than never, we say. The statement finished with the uplifting news that Ms Hale "...will be reinstated with full benefits, provided she signs a hold harmless clause and never mentions again that she's... the 'L' word."