Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, condensed

Latest parody. I manage about one of these a year, it would seem. Only one HP book left for me to do, though! Enjoy...

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE, condensed

by Molly Ringle
with respect and apologies for J.K. Rowling

READERS haul book off shelf and nearly fall over under its weight.
READERS: What the hell? Why is it so huge?
ROWLING: Funny story! So my editors were like, "People are getting a bit tired of Quidditch," and I was like, "How could anyone ever get tired of Quidditch?" And they...