RussiansIn Russia there are so many Russians! It’s like o...

RussiansIn Russia there are so many Russians! It’s like one of thoseneighborhoods where a bunch of Russians live, butway bigger. This place is big. It’s like they took a countrythe size of Russia and filled it with Russians. One cannotslip through Mayakovskaya Station without listening inon a spit forth “Neeyet!” or “Spice-eeba!” which are theRussians’ favorite words. These mean, respectively, I willnot smile for your photograph, and our cuisine is not veryspicy. Every Russian has a little piece of the world’s largestcountry, and that piece is among the world’s smallestapartments, except for the Japanese (see Japanese, The pg.74). Should you—god forbid—go whistling Dixie in oneof these microscopic rooms, every microscopic ruble andmicroscopic kopek sprouts microscopic wings and flapsaway in a dizzying scatter of impoverished fractals. EveryRussian also has a bear pedaling a too-small bicycle aroundtheir living room, a bear wielding a hockey stick. Whilethe bicycle is fitting for this room’s size, the bear is not.How this was accomplished is yet to be determined. Allthat’s known is that for more than sixty years Russia hasbeen an international leader in science and technology. InRussia there are no cold drinks in one of Earth’s coldestcountries. Want ice water? That’ll be room temperature.Meantime ice floats down the Arbot, down NevskyProspekt, down all the streets, which are themselvesrivers of ice. Want a cold beer? Room temperature beeris ubiquitous in Russia. In fact, all of the liquid in Russiais beer. Or tea. Even the Russian’s blood—composed ofbeer and tea—is room temperature: thirty-seven degreesCelsius. And good God, when you enter these rooms,stripping off your boots and fifty-two layers, the Russiansstart toasting you. They toast your health, your visit,your friends, your family, your pets. They toast toasting.Then they’ll kiss your sweaty cheeks, and you’ll learn theCyrillic alphabet.