Requirements for My New Home

I'm in the process of selling my house and looking for a new one. In order to make things easier for my real estate agent, I've put together a list of house requirements.  Here they are:


1. The house should be self-cleaning. That’s a no brainer. I just don’t have time to clean a house. Unless the house is less than three years old, it really should know how to clean itself, anyway.

2. A secret room with a door that’s hidden behind a bookcase. I’ve been after the husband to build one for me, but it hasn’t happened yet. He’s tried to convince me that he already built one and that it’s so secret that only he knows where it is. But I don’t believe him.

3. Apparently Johnny Depp has recently bought a home in Nashville. I will consider any house next door to him, even if it isn’t self-cleaning. However, the secret room behind the bookshelf is still a requirement.

4. A library. This can be either inside of the secret room or outside of it or (preferably) both.

5. The house must be kitsch-proof. It’s a well-known fact that kitsch is like kudzu in some areas of suburbia, so my house is probably going to need to be in a slightly more urban area. Cookie cutter houses are also prone to kitsch, so the house will need to be unique.

6. It should have at least one large bathroom with a deep bathtub in which I can soak for hours to read. Soundproof walls so that I can’t hear the kids calling for me would be a bonus.

These are my top requirements. A kitchen would be nice, but having one in the house can often lead to the pressure to do some cooking, so I’m okay without one. Unless it already comes with a cook, of course.