Lessons in Revision #3: The Rose Throne dialog

“You’ve been hiding from me,” said Issa.

Her father let out a breath at that and turned to stare at her. “You know me very well.”

“Well enough to know when you don’t want me to read your face,” said Issa, with the lilting rhythm and harsh consonants that seemed appropriate to a northern life where the weather in winter could be quite harsh, even with the assistance of the neweyr.

“Ah,” said King Jaap. “There are times when I wish that I had not taught you to be so honest.”

“Not many times, I hope,” said Issa.

King Jaap paused.

“It is bad news, then,” said Issa.

He nodded. And then, because there was no more reason to hold back, he said, “It has to do with Lord Umber.”

Lord Umber was the southern-most nobleman, just on the border with the land bridge to Rurik, with whom her father had begun to negotiate a betrothal for his daughter.

“Has he refused me, then?” said Issa.

“He has left Weirland with half his men—the best half—and a good deal of his wealth,” said King Jaap in a rush of words that indicated only how upset he was. Normally, her father was as slow to speak as Issa was herself. “But Issa, I’m afraid that is not the worst of it. Umber has gone to Rurik, to the palace itself. To King Haikor.”

“He means to ally himself with Haikor against us,” said Issa, her tongue feeling leaden in her mouth.

She had always imagined that she would marry and be happily in love, as her parents had been when she was a young girl, before her mother had grown ill. She had never wanted anything more in life than to take care of her small kingdom with her neweyr, and to hold tight to a husband’s arm as he ruled the land.

But that was not to be, it seemed.

“What do we do now?” asked Issa, moving on. There was no point in trying to change what had already come to be. The past was gone. Only the future remained malleable.

“First, I must appoint a lord to take Umber’s place. And second, we must do something to stop him.”

“How?” said Issa.

“King Haikor has a young son. His name is Edik.”

“Yes.” Issa knew this.

“He is not yet old enough to marry, but he might be betrothed, if his father were tempted with the right offer.”

“Me,” said Issa instantly.

So this is the earlier version of this dialog, though I have cut out a lot of the text, at least half, because it is boring. One of the first rules of dialog: it can’t be boring. Also, I tend to have too much introspection, so I cut that out, too. Dialog should dialog, not be too thinky.

But the real problem with this first version couldn’t be fixed with more sparkling dialog. The real problem is that there is no conflict between father and daughter, or so little that it is just boring. They already know what’s going on in their world. They have similar goals. Far more interesting to introduce a different, new character who is really going to challenge them. I wouldn’t call the above Maid/Butler dialog, but it has some similarities. The two are talking about something more for the sake of the reader than their own sakes.

Hopefully, the final version introduces some real conflict and moves along more quickly. It is also funnier and has a bit of romance. Not that this romance wasn’t in the text to begin with, but I moved it forward to the first scene in the book with Issa, instead of leaving it for the third or fourth scene. Another great rule of dialog: do as much with it as you can. But that’s really true of all good writing. It should all multi-task. Compress, compress. Real life is boring. That’s why people read books.

Final Version:

“Issa, there is an emissary come from Rurik, waiting to speak to you in the Throne Room,” said her father, King Jaap, coming up behind her.

I am sure he would rather speak to you than me, Father,” said Issa. Since her mother’s death, she had taken the queen’s place in guarding the neweyr. But she had not yet decided if she would encourage the distant cousin who was her father’s heir to propose marriage to her.

“His name is Duke Kellin of Falcorn. He is one of King Haikor’s court favorites. He has come to offer a betrothal.”

“A betrothal?” said Issa. Well, this would be interesting, at least. A duke of Rurik had never been to the kingdom before. In fact, Issa could not remember any official emissary ever coming from Rurik, only spies. She might have fun with this.

Issa climbed down and made her way to the Throne Room in the other wing of the castle. Before she entered, her father touched her arm and she turned back to him.

“I have sheltered you,” the king said. “Kept you from your responsibilities as princess.”

“I have been guiding the neweyr in my mother’s place since I was eleven years old,” Issa protested. “How is that sheltering me from my responsibilities?”

“Not the responsibilities of the neweyr, but the responsibilities of the throne. You are a princess, Issa, and it is time that you were used as one.”

Issa still did not understand what her father meant, but she puzzled over it as he led her into the Throne Room. A man stood when they entered. He was tall, with broad shoulders and long legs. He was dressed in a long, thick, wool cloak that was adorned with pearls along the edge, and he seemed utterly untouched by the wear of the weeks of trave he would have endured on the journey here. It made Issa more conscious of her own worn tweed gown, the edges of her sleeves dirty from her work in the garden early that morning, the skirt with a tear to one side.

Issa glanced back up and saw Duke Kellin observing her every movement. There was a kind of arrogance in the set of his mouth and in the point of his chin. He seemed to Issa everything that she would have expected from a nobleman of King Haikor’s court. He was younger than she had expected, but perhaps King Haikor had run out of older, more experienced men. It was said that his favorites died with a frightening regularity.

“King Jaap,” said Kellin with a formal bow. Then he turned to her. “Princess Marlissa.” He bowed again, and held out his hand.

Issa gave him her own hand. When he kissed it, the sensation was strangely cold. Did he think she would marry him because he was handsome and powerful in King Haikor’s court?

“I come to you with gifts from King Haikor.” The duke offered Issa a small velvet bag. “To match the shine of your eyes,” he added.