Authors–What Do You Really Want?

For those of you who are “skip to the back of the book” kind of folks, I’ll cut right to the chase:

More.

That’s what most of us really want, isn’t it? That’s the monster we’re fighting. The “more” monster. The drive that says when you finally get exactly what you wanted it isn’t enough. And really, that’s the demon that remains to be slain at the heart of our lives–and our publishing careers. The drive for more that makes it impossible for us to enjoy our success and figure out what will really make us happy.

Let me slow down and start from the beginning. I started writing in 2005. My goal at first was simple: to write a book. But then I wrote the book and realized that writing the book wasn’t really what I wanted. I wanted to get published.

Back then, publishing meant Big 6, which meant I needed an agent. So threw my heart and soul into getting an agent. Eventually, after a whole lot of rejections, I got an agent. Then I got The Call–from Disney-Hyperion. I was to be published. Twice.

So I got what I wanted, right? I should have been done? Happy?

Ha! Now that I achieved that goal, I wanted something new: to quit my day job. (Did that.) To make money. (Got a nice advance.) To sell more books. (Yep.) To hit a list. (Oops, not there yet!)

Get the idea? Like many of you, I’m sure, I have this constant drive to set new goals and achieve new things. Write more, different, better books. Hit some milestone in sales. Save for retirement. There are things about that drive that are wonderful. It keeps me working hard, writing more books, and constantly striving to make myself a better author, publicist, and businesswoman.

But what about the happy part? What about the content? See, this drive also brings the worry. The disappointment. The “I’m not there yet”. The feeling that I haven’t quite succeeded. The belief that “if only I get this one thing I’ll be done”–but then, of course, the one thing changes.

A blogger once asked me about an award I’d won, saying, “was that when you knew you’d made it?” I laughed and responded flippantly, “Have I made it yet?” But the flippant response wasn’t flippant at all. I really don’t feel like I’ve made it. Because there’s always a new goal on the horizon that I haven’t quite achieved.

For authors, I think this “more” drive is particularly destructive because it gets in the way of understanding–or even asking–what will truly make us content and happy. Once we get published, we need the next contract. If we get a good review, we need 10 more. If we are in e-book, we want mass market. If we are mass market, we need Walmart. If we sell 10,000 books, we need 100,000. But each of these new goals comes with a price, and we never really ask if the price is worth it. What do we leave behind when we change publishers for the next big deal? What relationship with an editor is sacrificed to get our books in Walmart? Why does it matter if we’re in the supermarket? Who the hell really cares if the Big Six ever really know your name?

The other day, I read this lovely quote from the Dalai Lama:

When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more. Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, ‘Oh yes – I already have everything that I really need.’”

Publishing today offers too many option to keep running on someone else’s hamster wheel. My challenge to myself–and all the other writers out there–is to figure out what you really want. The next time you look at your Goodreads page, or stalk yourself on Amazon, or push your agent for a new contract, or kill yourself trying to figure out what you need to do to hit a list, ask yourself, “Why do I want this? When will I be content?” If the answer is more, go back to the drawing board. Because more isn’t a way to joy. Find your path to joy, and then follow it with all your heart.