Inside My Critically Fucked Up Mind

When I was young I was painfully shy, people who know me right now would not even believe how shy I was back then.  When I was a kindergarten student, I think I was four if I remember it correctly, I used to walk by myself from our house to my school and vice versa.  My mother couldn't come with me because she just gave birth to my brother back then and my father was in work so I was forced to go by myself.  It was hard because the distance between the house and the school was a good one kilometer.  So imagine me, a four-year old girl, walking that distance.  You may think my mother heartless but I never really questioned her back then.  It's like her words were law to me.  I remembered when she was teaching me how to read, she just shoved me the ABaKaDa and everytime I didn't get something right, she would pinch me (sa singit, LOL).  That may be the reason why I'm a fast reader. Back then, whenever I reached the school, I would just stand there in front of the classroom door waiting for another classmate to come and go inside with me.  I really can't understand it but I was really afraid to open that door.  I felt like all of my classmates will just stare at me and I really hate that feeling.  As I've said, I'm painfully shy and I really don't like to be the center of attention.  That's why during recess, I would just stand in the corner while my classmates  played outside the playground.  The teacher often asked me why I won't go out and play with the other kids, but I would just stay silent and shook my head.  The reason why I didn't play with my classmates was because I was too afraid to ask them to play with me.  So yeah, I was kind of pathetic back then.  That's not the extent of my shyness, because of it I never really got out of our house to play.  Heck, I never even experienced playing chinese garter, which was, by the way, really famous for the children back then.  So while other kids were outside playing, I was just inside our house, drawing, making stuff, living in my imaginary world.  Yeah, I was kind of friendless.  LOL.  But I slowly learnt to build up my confidence, especially when I discovered that I was actually smart.  Hahaha.  Nah, just kidding.  But honestly, when I realized that my intelligence was quite above average, I told myself that there's really no reason for me to be shy or to be embarrass when I actually have a brain that can think better than most of the other kids. When I reached highschool, I'm no longer a painfully shy kid but I developed a new kind of attitude, I became indiferrent.  I really don't know how I became like that.  I guessed through the years I just learnt to control my own emotion and ignored the things that should be ignored.  I don't like to do the things that other people arround me does.  I refused to be a bandwagon.  Like just because everyone's doing it I should do it too.  Nah, that's just not my style.  My bestfriend often told me back then that I'm uncaring, it's often the reason why we fought.  Well, she's really the only one who loved to pick a fight with me.  It's not that I didn't care, it's more on the fact that I didn't want to show that I care.  I mean, I don't really like being showy and smothering.  Even if you don't show your affection to someone, that doesn't mean you don't care about them.  Well, for me at least.

And then I reached that point when I became cynical.  I questioned everything that's happening arround me.  When something goes beyond reason, I questioned it.  Like why the heck was he doing those things when it won't even benefit him??  I believe that people do the things they do for a reason.  I don't believe in selfless kindness.  That's just a load of bull for me.  Because no matter what people says, humans are selfish and envious in nature.   They will do anything and use everything to their advantage.  Deny it all you want, but we all know it's the truth. 

I'm more cynical when it comes to love.  It's not that I don't believe in it, it's more on the fact that I can't grasped its concept.  I just can't understand how two people, with no kind of blood relation or whatsoever, can say that they love each other.  For me, two people can't really be together for a very long time just because they love one another.  When two people marry and they started to build a family, after some time, the only thing that would hold together the relationship would be their own sense of responsibility.  Well, don't get me wrong, I do want to be swept away in a whirlwind kind of romance.  But I'm not trying to push my hopes up, when it comes then it will.  LOL.

I'm vain.  I love looking good.  I love dressing myself up with different styles.  I can't even go out of our house looking like a drab, that's how vain I am.  But when I'm just at home, I totally look different.  Nobody would even glance at my direction if they saw how I look inside our house.  I often wear oversized t-shirt and tattered shorts.  My hair is always in shambles and I wear glasses.  I can even last for two days without taking a bath, gross right??  But I'm comfortable with it, so who cares?  Hahaha.

I have a terrible temper.  So anyone who dared cross me would definitely regret it.  I'm a mean bitch if I wanted to.  That's why it's important for me to be indifferent.  Because if I don't care about the things that's happening around me, I can have more control over my temper.  I really act like a crazy bitch whenever I lose control.  That's why whenever I react towards something, I calculate every scenario in my head first.  What will happen if I do this, what will they say if I do that, those kind of things.  I want to be ahead of everything, because I hate surprises but most of all, I hate looking stupid.  So it's much better to be prepared, right?

Yeah, I know I'm quite fucked up.  But I don't care.  I like the way I am, every weirdness, every bit of strange antics.  I even think I'm cool, being like this.  LOL.  (^_^)v