Relationship Control Freaks
Relationship Control Freaks by Lisa Daily
In many relationships, one person is more dominant or controlling than the other, the boss of the house, and that’s just fine with everybody. But many times, the person being controlled resents being told what to do, or feels powerless or scared to stand up to their partner’s controlling behavior. On Daytime this week, I’m talking about how to recognize relationship control freaks, and how to neutralize them.
What is real controlling behavior versus perceived control?
Real controlling behavior is when one partner uses threats, anger, fights, money, sex or manipulation to force their partner into behaving a certain way. Perceived control happens when one partner refuses to speak up for their own interests, even when asks, but blames the other. An example might be if you ask your husband what movie he wants to see. He replies with “anything is fine” or “I don’t really care” or “It’s up to you” but then later, he’ll get upset with you or tell you “We always have to do what you want to do, I NEVER get to pick the movie I want to see.” This is not evidence of you being controlling. This is evidence of your partner refusing to participate and then blaming you for it.
What kinds of people try to control others?
It depends on the level of control. Some people are natural born leaders and are just used to being “in charge.” Others are first born siblings married to youngest children, who end up reverting (often comfortably and happily) to the same power structure they grew up with. (Julie’s in charge.) Others feel very much out of control, or are operating out of anger, jealousy or insecurity — and they try try to control their partner in a way that is harmful to both.
How do you recognize controlling behavior?
If you find yourself avoiding certain things (friends, clothes, things you like to do) because you don’t want to face the fallout when you get home, you are most likely on the receiving end of controlling partner. A number of studies have also linked controlling behavior to a higher incidence of physical abuse as well as infidelity.
What should you do if feel you are being controlled?
It’s important to remember that people can only treat you as poorly as you allow them to. You are the person who sets the tone for how the world and the people who claim to love you will treat you. You are not powerless. You can leave. (And you should, immediately, if you or your children are in physical danger.) You can refuse to comply. You can make your own money or file for financial relief from the courts. You can decide.
Your needs and wants are just as valid as your partner’s. You have the right to have the friends you choose, to wear what you want, to live free from fear, to say no to sex, and to make decisions about your household finances (even if your spouse earns all the money.)
People always think that if they stand up to a bully that the bully will attack them even more, but that’s not true. Bullies and control freaks are usually looking for an easy target — and if you stand up for yourself, most of the time they’ll back down.
xo,
You may also need: Controlling behavior, and impulse control issues like a quick temper, excessive drinking or gambling are often connected to infidelity. Beware of the warning signs listed in Is He Cheating?
(c) Copyright 2001-2013 by Lisa Daily. All Rights Reserved. Plus me on Google, won’t you please? Thanks!
