Anyone Who Would Try and Give Me a Birth Wreath

It was recently brought to my attention that there is yet another event that needs to be memorialized and decorated to the nth degree: giving birth.



I know what you're thinking. But Jen, when I gave birth I got flowers and cards and balloons and some meals. What more could I need? 



Well, girl, you missed out. Your birth experience wasn't perfect enough, because your ugly, drab hospital room door was completely and totally unadorned without a Birth Wreath. (I would have put a picture of a birth wreath in here, but shocker, no one would give me permission to use their pic. It was like they thought I might make fun of them or something. Click the link above and you'll see a picture there.) Yup. You needed some bling on that brown, (probably faux) wood thing that just stood there sneering at your guests when they arrived to see your little miracle. How embarrassing for you! Is that how you want your friends, family, and hospital staff to remember your birth experience? What about you? Do you want to remember your friends and family turning up their noses at your horrible hospital-issue (probably handwritten - the horror!!) signage? Baby Boy Jones. Ugh. You should be ashamed!







Now, I'm done having kids. My baby factory has shuttered the doors and locked all of the windows, but there is still some hope for those of you who are still in the baby making business. Lucky for you, birth wreaths have been invented.



You won't have to suffer through hours of seeing that dreary door opening and closing. Now you can order your own handmade birth wreath to announce the blessed event.



Here's how the birth wreath works: you order one in your favorite traditional gender color, or match the baby's nursery palette so that everyone around you can see the horrific color scheme you chose (peach and lime green), or go that extra douchebag step and get your favorite college team colors (Go Big Yellow!). Blech. There is a plaque on the wreath where you fill in all of the vitals once your bundle of joy is dropped off by the stork. The best part of this wreath though, is the personalization with your future child's name.



Names like:



Tensli - I'm so glad they went with the traditional spelling, instead of the weird ones: Tenzlee, Tensly, Tenzlie.



Rhealynn - Alternate spellings? No clue, because I don't even know how to pronounce this name.



Eden Alivia - I see what you did there to a perfectly good name like Olivia. You're so original!



Brantley - This would be the best if that was his middle name and his first name was "Lord."



Britten - Britten? As in the place? I bet her sister's name is Londyn.



Bodey - Surely this is a dog name?



Emersyn Bailee - Pat, I'd like to buy a proper vowel.



Carsyn Adelle - The "y" clearly feminizes the name Carson.



Maverick - Goose and Ice Man called. They think your parents are douches.



Slayde - This kid should hang out with Maverick.



Gracen Alene - We can never be friends again if you name your daughter Gracen.



Izabelle - I feel like this is the text message version of this name. It should have just been Izabl.



Full disclosure - I found these ACTUAL names on a birth wreath site on Etsy. It's days like these that I am thankful I am not a substitute teacher five years in the future trying to call roll. WTF? Apparently birth wreaths are only purchased by people who think it's OK to spend $75 on tulle and ribbon and think vowels in names are interchangeable and/or they can't spell. 



Tell me, did you have one of these on your hospital room door?