Too Easy to be Hard

I'm driven back to the subject of reconciliation again by the recent death of Elwin Wilson, a self-acknowledged racist who stepped forward in 2009 to accept responsibility and make apology for being one of a mob that beat up 21-year old seminary student John Lewis in 1961. Lewis, a hero of the Civil Rights movement and a long-time Georgia Congressman, accepted Wilson's apology, forgave him, and together they launched a two-man reconciliation tour. I'm ashamed to say I never heard of this before Wilson's obituary drew my attention. Had I, I may not have been so quick as I was in my earlier post on this subject to question the fertileness of American soil for reconciliation.
This is, after all, a land that often appears overwhelmed by its grudges...surely by its biggest one. The continued inability of much of the American South to move on from the Civil War it started, it lost, and ithas long been forgiven for has become a nasty pustule on our national body politic. Dixie's ugly, treasonous flag; its endless whining about states' rights and nullification; its shoot-first-ask-questions-later disposition cloaked behind a phony honeysuckle smile reveal, in secular terms, an inability to grasp how reconciliation works. In non-secular terms it reveals a deep, dark truly un-Christian inclination to keep hate alive. Thus we often seem to be a nation locked in a vicious cycle of fighting our oldest and bloodiest battles over and over again. (Taxes. Race. Immigration. Property rights vs. human rights. The national pastime is neither baseball nor football; it's Whack-A-Mole. )
Yet, as with John Lewis and Elwin Wilson, there are isolated acts of genuine, uplifting reconciliation playing out here and there throughout the land. Lewis, again, was at the center of what may have been one of the most salving when Kevin Murphy--the chief of the Montgomery, Alabama, police--presented him with a badge and public apology for the past behavior of the force which refused to protect Lewis and his fellow protest marchers on the day they were attacked in 1961. Said Chief Murphy in the ceremony last March, "You have friends in the Montgomery Police Department...This symbol of authority, which used to be a symbol of oppression, needs to be a symbol of reconciliation." 
On a more intimate scale, there appears to have been sweet reconciliation in the Anthony Weiner household (oh, do come home again, Anthony). Disgraced former Congressman Weiner and wife Huma Abedin appear on the cover of The New York Times Magazine this weekend talking openly about how they were able to reconcile after Anthony's proclivity for sending pictures of his penis to women not his wife became public. This appears a prelude to Anthony seeking reconciliation with the voters of New York. And if they're anything like the voters of Massachusetts who forgave Ted Kennedy his reckless negligence, the voters of DC who forgave Marion Barry his crack habit, the voters of Louisiana who forgave David Vitter his diaper fantasies.... hell, the voters of America who forgave Bill Clinton his serial dalliances...well, Anthony might as well order up those Win With Weiner buttons right now.
Yes, we love our grudges, but we love our prodigal sons, too. As they say, it's complicated.
Speaking of the man we lovingly call the Big Dawg--and one can only wonder if Monica ever called him that, as in: "Big Dawg.... Big Dawg.... oh, yes, yes, Big Dawg." But I digress. It was uplifting to see Bill and Chelsea together on the Colbert Report this past week. No doubt I’ve seen them together at some time or another over the past 16 years, but it was only this week with so much reconciliation in the air that it occurred to me that there had to have been a Kumbaya momentin that relationship. That all powerful Clinton husband and wife duo, which towers over so much, has pretty much overshadowed the fact that at some point since the world's most famous blow-job, there must have been a dad and daughter reconciliation, too.
As the father of two daughters I can only imagine how difficult that must have been.... for both of them. Though, oddly, in that regard, I relate more to Chelsea than Bill. My father was more likely to misbehave than I ever was (though I hasten to add for mom's sake and faint hearts everywhere, not in the same way Bill misbehaved). My father was a gusher of apologies, and sometimes I thought apology came a little too easy to him. It was his personal Get Out of Jail Free card. Yet I was always happy to get those apologies, and whether I was, as they say, enabling future apologies never entered my mind. I simply wanted an end to the disharmony that his misbehavior had visited upon the family, and always took great comfort in that he was as quick and easy with an apology as he was with the fuck-up that made it necessary in the first place. Better that than the alternative.
Since my earlier post on this subject, I've been schooled in the finer points of reconciliation. I’ve learned that there are those who feel that reconciliation is like a gourmet meal that must meet the exacting standards of a world famous gourmand, say, like Hannibal Lecter. I’ve learned that a truly appetizing reconciliation should be offered up like an exquisite soufflé. Served too soon and it will come off as a mushy goo of expediency. Served too long after the buzzer, and it will come off as a nasty crust of too-little-too-late.  As for the ingredients…they should be of the highest quality: perfectly ripe berries, precisely aged cheeses, the absolutely freshest of tripe, and only the purest of motivation, remorse, and pound of flesh.
Aaron Lazare has written a very good book on apology, called, coincidently enough, On Apology. If I can fault the book for anything it is in that it spends much more time on making apology rather than accepting apology, which seems to me a dying art in our society…and an art we really cannot allow to die. Lazare directly addresses the tendency of critiquing apologies that too often seems to come between the aggrieved and reconciliation with those who try to acknowledge their errors. (And here’s a point I must emphasize…reconciliation is about someone coming forward and saying, “I was wrong and I’m sorry for it and hope that you’ll accept my apology.” I was baffled after my last post at how many misunderstand reconciliation by confusing it with apology itself. Kids, nobody’s asking you to apologize for something you did or didn’t do…just have the grace to forgive those who want to apologize for something they did…it’s that simple…and that decent.) Anyway, Lazare writes:

“I believe that…“strategic” apologies--motivated by the offenders' attempt to change how others perceive them or keep their relationships intact or enhance their social stature-- are valuable even if the offenders do not exhibit or experience shame, guilt, and empathy. How can we argue against social harmony among individuals, families, and nations? How can we argue against the avoidance of war? ...To believe that a "pragmatic" apology is somehow less truthful or less effective than a more impassioned one is to value style over substance, as if we believe that the manner in which an apology is delivered is more important than the goals it seeks to achieve. I believe such an attitude shortchanges both the personal and social value of the apology process. As long as an apology meets important psychological needs of the offended, or, by being public, it reestablishes harmony and reaffirms important social values, we should not diminish its effectiveness by becoming critics. We can also learn from the Japanese and Chinese cultures that reestablishing social harmony is often the major function of apologies."

A very dear friend recently told me about her gay brother’s deathbed reconciliation with his mother, who believed since his coming out that her son was condemned by God. Just before she died, she called her son in and said, “I’m sorry.”

“Nothing more?” I asked my friend.

“My brother didn’t need anything more,” she answered.

John Lewis. Anthony Weiner’s wife. My friend's brother. 

Odd, isn’t it, that oftentimes those most hurt find forgiveness quicker and easier than those of us on the sidelines?