Getting More Traffic to Your Blog – The Sleazy Way

Chances are, if you’ve recently started a website, then you’ve been looking online for ways to increase traffic to your page. Let me guess what you’ve already read.

Comment on posts. Like other posts. Write about a niche topic. Interact in the community. Link to other bloggers posts so they’ll link back to your page. Share your posts with your Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. Invite people to comment on your posts by asking a question at the end. Interact, interact, inter-fucking-act!!!!

You’ll probably hear some boring shit about metatags and SEO too. If you’re like me, and you write humor, then meta means nothing to you. That is, unless you’re cramming the words ‘humor’ and ‘super funny jokes’ in at a 5% keyword density. If you are, let me tell you right now, your posts probably aren’t that funny.

So how do you do it when you’re like me and Google considers you irrelevant because you’re funny? Well, you just get sleazy.

Rule #1 – Write controversy and pick a controversial stance.

It’s a fact of life, people actually enjoy being offended. Trust me, they love it! To date, my three most popular posts are as follows; “So You Have a Penis?…Then I Don’t Care About Your Opinion on Abortion”, “No, You Don’t Have PTSD… You’re Just a Pussy” and “A Response to Hate Mail”. On all three of these posts, I take an aggressive stance against something and piss a hell of a lot of people off when I’m doing it.

But despite all the intelligently worded responses I get, such as “Fuck You Cunt!!!!” and “Ur a Stupid Bitch”, I also get several hundred views, multiple FB and Twitter shares and tons of reblogs every week. So  I have to spend two minutes out of my day deleting hate mail in exchange for several hundred page views a week. I’ll take it.

Rule #2 – Start some shit with strangers.

This is different from the controversy thing because you have a different goal. Backlinks!!! I can’t tell you how many people backlink to one of my articles in order to talk about how stupid my opinion is. Thanks idiots, because when you’re backlinking my page to talk about how irrelevant my opinion is, you’re actually telling Google that I am relevant and giving my page rank a bump. Then I delete your pingback to show Google how irrelevant you are…and also because I’m a bitch.

Rule #3 – Shamelessly pander to get Freshly Pressed.

You’ll notice that occasionally, I’ll post something that qualifies as light and moderately clean humor. No, I didn’t let my maiden aunt take over my blog for the day. I’m shamelessly pandering to get into the Freshly Pressed area. It’s a well known fact that Freshly Pressed only accepts amusing stories about parenting and animals, so I occasionally throw one out there and see what happens. It’s worked a couple times. I try not to make a habit of it though, because if I turned this page into a mommy blog, I’d have to kill myself.

Rule #4 – Try to get a large, organized group of people to hate you.

You know what happened when there were public book burnings of ‘The Da Vinci Code’ and ‘Harry Potter’? Sales went up. Whenever someone decides something is controversial and must be stopped, people swarm to the source of the controversy so they can see how offensive it is.

I seriously have orgasms over the idea of some large, right wing group deciding I am a danger to the youth of America. If I could get someone like Rush Limbaugh or Dr. Laura to publicly denounce me, my friggen page rank would sky rocket!

I’m still working on this one, but some day …fingers crossed…I will be famous enough for several thousand people to want me dead.

Rule #5 – Cash in on mass hysteria.

Is everyone talking about pandemic flu, zombie attacks or gamma rays? Write a post about it calling them all morons. When people are in a panic, they’ll start Google searches related to what’s scaring them, presumably so they can be more scared. Help out your fellow internet users by pissing them off instead. Nothing eliminates fear like blind rage.

So there you go, the back alley way to get noticed on the internet. Be a controversial prick. Soon enough, you’ll have perfect strangers sending you pictures of their backsides as well!

And, as all blog advice tells you, I will end this post with a question so you can all interact in the comments;

Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever put your index finger?