New Lessons in Revision #1: The Rose Throne

This is a bit of a sketch of the long process The Rose Throne went through to come to print in its current form. I have written often about the need to make enormous changes in revision, not just fiddle with making the words sound prettier. I think I demonstrate this clearly in the following openings, introductions to Princess Ailsbet's character. In some ways, I would argue that her character was essentially the same from the beginning: a fiercely determined, fiery-tempered young woman who has been overlooked and abused by her father, and who knows that she is about to be married away to some nameless nobleman who pleases her father in the moment. She loves her music, was once deeply attached to her music master, Master Lukacs, and she is deeply lonely because she has few real connections to anyone at her father's court. She is damaged, but she has potential for power--the only question is how she will use it.

Version 1 (the version that the proposal first sold from--early 2009):
            “Play it again, Princess Ailsbet,” said Master Lukacs.
            She knew that he was unhappy with her.  When she had done well, he called her “little Bez,” his own nickname for her that no one else at court used, not even her father the king.  Especially not King Haikor.
Bez had played the flute since she was two years old, though she had not taken lessons from Master Lukacs then.  He would not have bothered with her, princess or no.  He had become her teacher when she was six years old, when he had been invited to court to play for the king in celebration of his new son, Prince Edik.  Master Lukacs played four different instruments, each as well as the last: the viol, the zither, the harp, and the flute.
He was a proud man, as proud as a king, and very handsome despite his age.  He dyed his hair once a week with the juice of nuts, and he curled his mustache with tree sap so that it made perfect circles on either side of his mouth.  He had but one set of court clothes, but these he always kept clean and pressed.  He had no servant of his own, and must bring his own water up to his room, and heat it himself over the fire in his hearth, which he also had to build for himself.

Version 3 (late 2010):
Bez, Princess Ailsbet of Rurik, sat by her brother Edik for the entertainers her father had hired to perform for the court.  They used taweyr, a whole troupe of men, but they did not use it to kill so it was considered appropriate for both male and female audiences.  It was the first time Bez had seen taweyr used so openly and without any fear in those who watched.  She had seen her father use taweyr to stop the heart of a groomsman who had not shined his shoe's properly.  It had lasted only a moment, and the man had not died, but his face had gone so dark it was nearly purple and everyone around him had stepped back, breathless as if they were afraid that they would be next. 
No man would speak about his taweyr to a woman, much less a girl, so everything Bez knew about the taweyr she had learned from inferences or overheard conversations.  She knew that it was the magic of war and death, and that it began with either fear or anger.  She also knew that it was the exercise of a magical pressure, so that if it was used on certain substances they could burst into flame or be melted to slag.  If it was used on softer substances, they were pressed to stone.  The pressure on air could make men seem to fly, and it could move weapons like swords or spears.
No woman should wish for taweyr because to have it would make her ekhono, those who had the wrong kind of magic.  There had always been prejudice against the ekhono, but King Haikor had made it the law that ekhono were to be killed when they came into their weyrs at puberty, and then thrown to the ocean where all weyr was destroyed.  Still, Bez was jealous of her brother Edik.  The taweyr seemed much more interesting than the neweyr to her.  It had since she was very small, and though she had never come into her neweyr and was considered now seventeen years old and considered unweyr, she had not changed her mind.

Version 6a (early 2011):

            Princess Ailsbet of Rurik, known as “Bez,” slipped into the trews and shirt she had stolen from the laundry. As she changed, she was hidden behind the old, crumbling wall, to the east of the palace and the Tower. She was relieved to get out of the weight and folds of the skirt that prevented her from running freely, and was eager to try out her disguise in the city. She had been told more than once in her seventeenth year that she was as skinny as a boy and as tall as a man. She had her father's freckled skin and bright red hair, as well as his long nose, and as a man, she was far less ugly than as a woman.
            Bez tucked her long, tangled hair under a soft felt hat, tied up in a knot to secure it. Then she bent down and smudged her face with dirt. Finally, she pulled out her wooden flute.
           She had not told Master Lukacs where she was going that night, for she was certain he would not approve.

Version 7a (early 2011):

“Princess Ailsbet, your father demands your attendance at court this morning,” said Duke Kellin, bowing to Bez briefly. He was King Haikor’s new favorite, younger than the last generation, but there were few left who were older. Her father had not been kind to those his own age.
Bez knew what this official invitation to court meant. At sixteen, she was of marriageable age, and it was time for her to build an alliance that would be of use to her father. She had shown no neweyr, the magic of women, but it did not matter to her father, who had no use for the neweyr in any case. It was the taweyr that mattered to him, the magic of war and death that would be her young brother Prince Edik’s legacy, when he was of age.
“You will give me a few minutes to prepare myself,” said Bez. It was a request, though she did not phrase it as such. She had copied her father’s way of speaking everything as a command.
“Your father is anxious to see you. It would be wise for you to avoid his displeasure,” said Kellin in the careful accent of the palace itself, more southern than northern, but smoothed out over the harsher consanants. What his true accent was, Bez could not tell.

Version 7b (mid-year 2011):
“Princess Ailsbet, your father demands your attendance at court this morning,” said Duke Kellin, bowing to Ailsbet. He was King Haikor’s new favorite, hardly older than she was, dark-haired, tall, broad-shouldered, and handsome.
“You will give me a few minutes to prepare myself,” said Ailsbet. It was a request, though she spoke it as a command as her father was wont to.
At sixteen, Ailsbet was of marriageable age, and it was time for her to build an alliance that would be of use to her father. Since she had shown no neweyr, the magic of women, she was now considered unweyr, though her father was unlikely to use her as a trader to the weyrless continent.
“Your father is anxious to see you. It would be wise for you to avoid his displeasure,” said Kellin in the careful accent of the palace itself, more southern than northern, the harsher consanants smoothed out. What his true accent was, Ailsbet could not tell.

Final version:
“Princess Ailsbet, your father demands your attendance at court this morning,” said Duke Kellin of Falcorn, bowing. He was King Haikor’s new favorite, looked hardly older than Ailsbet, and was“You will give me a few minutes to prepare myself,” said Ailsbet. It was a request, though she spoke it as a command.
At sixteen, Ailsbet was of marriageable age, and it was time for her to build an alliance that would be of use to her father. Since she had shown no neweyr, the magic of life that bound women to the earth, and was past the age of developing it, she was now considered unweyr. The well-born unweyr were occasionally used as ambassadors to the continent, where others would suffer deeply without weyr, but that was unlikely in Ailsbet’s case. Her father would want to use her marriage to strengthen his own seat on the throne, as well as her younger brother Edik’s claim to it in time.
“Your father is anxious to see you. It would be wise for you to avoid his displeasure,” said Kellin in the careful accent of the palace itself, more southern than northern, the harsher consonants smoothed out. What his true accent was, Ailsbet could not tell.