12 Tips for Handling Difficult Conversations
This article first appeared in my column at AMEX.
Samuel Butler said: “Fear is static that prevents me from hearing myself.” We all have an inner voice that tells us when we need to have a difficult conversation with someone—a conversation that, if it took place, would improve life at the office for ourselves and for everyone else on the team. But fear drowns our inner voice. It induces us to procrastinate having the conversation for fear that it might elicit a negative reaction. Meanwhile the offending individual continues to provide substandard performance, missing deadlines and the like; or having interpersonal conflicts, and exhibiting toxic behavior.
The consequence of not facing these issues head-on is costly. A CPP Inc. study of workplace conflict reveals that employees in the U.S. spend roughly 2.8 hours per week dealing with conflict. 33% of employees report that the conflict led to personal injury and attacks, and 22% report that it led to illness and absence from work. 10% report that project failure was a direct result of conflict. A similar study by Psychometrics in Canada, showed that 32% of employees have to deal with conflict regularly. More alarming is a recent study by Accenture revealing that, even in this challenging economic climate, 35% of employees leave their jobs voluntarily because of internal politics.
Substandard performance and unmanaged conflicts will adversely impact your bottom line. Businesses are losing billions of dollars because leaders have not stepped forward to deal with these difficult workplace issues decisively before they get out of hand. One way to step forward is to have the difficult conversation early on before the problems escalate and damage morale, and the business.
If you are unsure how to best approach this crucial conversation, here are some tips to guide you:
1. Be clear about the issue.
To prepare for the conversation, you need to ask yourself two important questions: “What exactly is the behavior that is causing the problem?” and “What is the impact that the behavior is having on you, the team or the organization?” You need to reach clarity for yourself so that you can articulate the issue in two or three succinct statements. If not, you risk going off on a tangent during the conversation and end up having an unfocused discussion. The lack of focus on the central issue will derail the conversation and sabotage your intentions.
2. Know your objective.
What do you want to accomplish with the conversation? What is the desired outcome? What are the non-negotiables? As English philosopher, Theodore Zeldin, put it: A successful conversation “doesn’t just reshuffle the cards: it creates new cards.” What are the new cards that you want to have in your hands by the end of the conversation? Once you have determined this, plan how you will close the conversation. Don’t end without clearly expressed action items. What is the person agreeing to do? What support are you committed to provide? What obstacles might prevent these remedial actions from taking place? What do you both agree to do to overcome potential obstacles? Schedule a follow up face-to-face meeting, phone call, or email to evaluate progress and definitively reach closure on the issue at hand.
3. Adopt the right mindset.
Spend a little time to reflect on your attitude towards the situation and the person involved. What are your preconceived notions about it? Your mindset will predetermine your reaction and interpretations of the other person’s responses, so it pays to work on approaching the conversation with the right mindset. The right mindset is one of inquiry. A good doctor diagnoses a situation before reaching for his prescription pad. This applies equally to a leader. Be open to hear first what the other person has to say before reaching closure in your mind. Even if the evidence is so clear that there is no reason to beat around the bush, we still owe it to the person to let them tell their story. A good leader remains open and seeks a greater truth in any situation. The outcome of adopting this approach might surprise you.
4. Manage the emotions.
Most of us were likely raised to believe that emotions need to be left at the door. We now know that this is an old school approach that is no longer valid in today’s work environments. It is your responsibility as a leader to understand and manage the emotions in the discussion. The late Robert Plutchik, professor at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, created a Wheel of Emotions to show that emotions follow a path. What starts as an annoyance, for example, can move to anger and, in extreme cases, escalate to rage. We can avoid this by being mindful of preserving the person’s dignity—and treating them with respect—even if we totally disagree with them. In some cases, you may have to respond to a person’s tears. In the video “How To Handle Tears At Work,” Anne Kreamer, author of It’s Always Personal: Navigating Emotion in the New Workplace, provides several strategies. These include acknowledging the tears rather than ignoring them, offering the person a tissue to give them a chance to gather their thoughts, and recognizing that the tears communicate a problem to be addressed.
5. Be comfortable with silence.
There will be moments in the conversation where a silence occurs. Don’t rush to fill it with words. Just as the pause between musical notes helps us appreciate the music, so the periodic silence in the conversation allows us to hear what was said. It gives us an opportunity to reflect. It lets the message sink in. As Susan Scott says in Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success At Work And In Life One Conversation At A Time, “let silence do the heavy lifting.” A pause also has a calming effect and can help us connect better. For example, if you are an extrovert, you are likely uncomfortable with silence as you are used to thinking while you are speaking. This can be perceived as steamrolling or overbearing, especially if the other party is an introvert. Introverts want to think before they speak. Stop talking and allow them their moment—it can lead to a better outcome.
6. Preserve the relationship.
A leader who has high emotional intelligence is always mindful to limit any collateral damage to a relationship. It takes years to build bridges with people and only minutes to blow them up. Think about how the conversation can fix the situation, without erecting an irretrievable wall between you and the person.
7. Be consistent.
Ensure that your objective is fair and that you are using a consistent approach. For example, if the person thinks that you have one set of rules for this person and a different set for another, you will be perceived as creating favorites. Nothing erodes a relationship faster than perceived inequality. Employees have long-term memories of how you handled situations in the past. Aim for consistency in your leadership approach. We trust a leader who is consistent because we don’t have to second-guess where they stand on important issues such as culture, corporate values and acceptable behaviors.
8. Develop your conflict resolution skills.
Conflict is a natural part of human interaction. Managing conflict effectively is one of the vital skills of leadership. Have a few, proven phrases that can come in handy in crucial spots. For more tips on how to handle conflict, read my article: No Batteries Required: 8 Conflict Resolution Tips.
9. Watch your reaction to thwarting ploys.
In a Harvard Business Review article, Sarah Green lists nine common mistakes we make when we conduct a difficult conversation. One of these mistakes is how we handle thwarting ploys, such as stonewalling, sarcasm, and accusing. The best advice is to simply address the ploy openly and sincerely. As the author says, if the ploy from your counterpart is stubborn unresponsiveness, you can candidly say: “I don’t know how to interpret your silence.” Disarm the ploy by labeling the observed behavior.
10. Choose the right place to have the conversation.
Calling people into your office may not be the best strategy. Sitting in your own turf, behind your desk, shifts the balance of power too much on your side. Even simple body language such as leaning forward towards the person rather than leaning back on your chair, can carry a subtle message of your positive intentions, i.e.: “We’re in this together. Let’s problem solve so that we have a better workplace.” Consider holding the meeting in a neutral place such as a meeting room where you can sit adjacent to each other without the desk as a barrier. Don’t exclude the coffee shop.
11. Know how to begin.
Some people put off having the conversation because they don’t know how to start. The best way to start is with a direct approach. “John, I would like to talk with you about what happened at the meeting this morning when Bob asked about the missed deadline. Let’s grab a cup of coffee tomorrow morning to chat.” Or: “Linda, I want to go over some of the issues with XYZ customer and some concerns that I have. Let’s meet tomorrow morning to problem-solve.” Being upfront is the authentic and respectful approach. You don’t want to ambush people by surprising them about the nature of the “chat.” Make sure your tone of voice signals discussion and not inquisition, exploration and not punishment.
12. Train other leaders on how to handle the difficult conversation.
There are dozens of good books written on this crucial topic. Pick up two or three copies for your corporate library and encourage leaders in your organization to develop this important skill. Here are a couple of suggestions: Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most and Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High.
Handling the difficult conversation requires skill and empathy, but ultimately, it requires the courage to go ahead and do it. The 19th century American politician, William Jennings Bryan once said: “The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you.” The more you get into the habit of facing these issues squarely, the more adept you will become at it. It will take your leadership skills to the next level.
Copyright © 2013 by Bruna Martinuzzi. All Rights Reserved.
