The Pretentious Asshole – A How To Guide
I’ve noticed I have a tendency to pick on the poorer sector in this world. The WalMart shoppers, grocery baggers, ex-cons and the ladies that love them. But I don’t usually make wealthy people a target.
Rest assured, that was an unintentional oversight and not some kind of wealth based bias. In fact, after spending yesterday driving around my middle/upper class community, I feel like I have a special knowledge of a specific type of wealthy individual.
Namely, pretentious assholes.
Have you ever wanted to be one? There are many situations where being a pretentious asshole isn’t just recommended, it’s encouraged. Maybe you’re planning a visit to the British royal family. Maybe you’ll soon be attending a $500 a plate benefit for inner city youths. Maybe you just want to fit in when you shop at Whole Foods. Whatever the reason, anyone can be a pretentious asshole by following a few simple rules.
Essa’s Guide to Being a Pretentious Asshole
Rule #1. Never, under any circumstances, hang up your cell phone. You are the most important person in the world. You need show that by constantly reaching out to the world with the help of AT & T and Bluetooth. While constantly talking on your cell phone, you need to remember a few key points.
Talk loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear you. It’s not just important that the person on the other end hear you. Everyone, from the person in line in front of you, to the guy four aisles over at the store, needs to be able to hear every single word of your conversation.
Be sure to cut people off when driving, so they will also notice that you’re talking on your cell phone.
Take several calls at once and put people on hold. At any time, you should have at least 5 people waiting in your call waiting queue.
Rule #2. Be rude to any service person you encounter. The waiters at Red Lobster and the cashiers at 7-11 need to understand what a chore it is for you to lower yourself to talking to them. When forced to wait even a few seconds, make sure you sigh loudly and check your watch several times. A ‘do you know who I am?’ or ‘I’m good friends with the mayor’ is a great way to ensure you get priority service.
Rule #3. If you have an impressive profession, try to find a way to squeeze it in to any conversation.
Wrong;
Yes, I need to purchase some stamps.
Right;
I need to purchase some stamps so I can have my legal secretary at my law office mail letters to my law clients. I really shouldn’t have to do this at all, because I’m a lawyer, and this really is my assistant’s job. But I was going out anyway, on my way to a lawyer’s mediation. Did I mention I’m a lawyer?
Also, if you have a PhD in anything, even if it is a PhD in Origami Folding from the University of Nigeria, you need to make sure people address you as Doctor. When they fail to, correct them in the most patronizing way possible. “No, young man, it’s Doctor Smith. Doctor, understand? Doctor Smith, repeat it with me…Doctor Smith.”
Rule # 4. Develop a very slight English accent. Even if you’re from Mudwater, Mississippi, people should always get the impression that you’re actually from Kent or Cheshire. If you’re not sure how to do it, try talking through your nose. You’ll get there.
If you want to be a pretentious asshole, it’s pretty easy. The main thing you need to remember is that you are the most important person in the world and no one else matters. Soon, you too will have strangers gazing at you in open admiration as they exclaim “what a pretentious asshole!”
What a pretentious asshole indeed.
